We used to think that men are set up exclusively for physical intimacy and do not dream of a romantic relationship, and women accept sex as a necessary evil, without which it is impossible to live in a couple. But is it? Isn’t it time to abandon the stereotype and look at love and passion as part of a whole?
“They all need only one!” grandmothers grumbled, supplying us with the necessary knowledge before the first date. “You are more careful with her: God forbid, she will fall in love!” — the fathers instructed the sons when they first stayed for the night with their girlfriends. Love and sex were not only opposed to each other, but were also considered dangerous barriers to what men and women want.
But where did the idea that gender influences our desires come from? “This stereotype is a collective image of our ideas about gender, that is, about “female” and “male” behavior. Gender, unlike the concept of «sex», does not describe physiology: it is a social construct that reflects a social agreement on some issue, ”explains psychologist-sexologist Maria Shelkova.
Any social construct is a product of a particular culture, and it exists solely because the members of society agree to live by certain rules.
Thus, once we «divided the whole variety of human traits and manifestations into two camps,» says the sexologist. Strength, assertiveness, confidence were traditionally attributed to men, and compliance, tenderness, shyness — to women. And for many centuries, the former were considered initiators in relationships, and the latter were assigned the role of a passive side.
“But in reality, we do not find evidence that men are for the most part masculine, and women are exclusively feminine,” Maria Shelkova believes.
Love and intercourse are part of a complex sexual behavior through which we establish and strengthen a connection with another.
Today, sex carries fewer risks for women than in the days of our grandmothers: the development of sexology and the spread of knowledge about the intimate side of life have played a role. We can not only prevent pregnancy, but also raise children on our own. And men are increasingly allowing themselves to show tenderness and affection, and this is more welcomed than condemned.
“Research on sexual behavior shows that attitudes towards sex in both sexes have changed markedly since the end of the XNUMXth century,” says the psychologist. “In European countries, there are few who are characterized by purely masculine or purely feminine behavior.”
Most demonstrate androgyny, that is, both male and female features are approximately the same ratio. American androgyny researcher Sandra Behm1 believed that femininity and masculinity are not opposite constructs, but exist independently of each other. With this in mind, Maria Shelkova proposes an amendment: “I think the following formulation is correct: more “masculine” (passionate, confident) men and women more often want sex, and more “feminine” (soft, compliant) men and women more often dream of love.
And what do our desires say about us if they coincide with those mentioned in the common phrase?
“When we say that we want exclusively sex, this is hardly a setting for life. This happens when we have just parted with a loved one or focused on an important matter — a career, self-realization. Although the reason may be the fear of attachment, — explains Maria Shelkova. “And if we say that love is more important, that you can do without sex in a romantic relationship, we are most likely deceiving ourselves.”
Love and intercourse are part of a complex sexual behavior through which we establish and strengthen a connection with another. We do not need to choose one thing, because feelings and actions can be harmoniously combined.
1 Sandra Bem, The Lens of Gender: Transforming Perspectives on Gender Inequality (ROSSPEN, 2004).