«Men should not rely on non-verbal consent»

As a woman, I’m skeptical about the claim that men don’t see the difference between consenting and coercion in sex. It’s too easy an excuse. Reading the gruesome details in #MeToo (me too) stories, you can see that sometimes the lack of agreement is obvious. For example, in the Bill Cosby case, when women were given drugs before sex.

But things can be more complicated, as in the case of Missouri Gov. Eric Gritens, when sex began with consent but supposedly ended in coercion and violence. Eric Schneiderman, who resigned as New York State Attorney General following allegations of sexual assault, claimed that his sexual encounters with several partners he spanked and strangled were based on free consent. The women who accused him disagreed.

However, since I’m a neuroscientist, I’m forced to consider an alternative, as frustrating as it may be. The brain is designed so that people see what they believe. In many cases, in the absence of verbal agreement, the brains of different people can perceive the same events in completely different ways. As a result, people experience different situations.

The brain is constantly busy with assumptions. At each moment, he tries his best to guess what will happen in the next second — this process is called active inference. The brain figures out how much salt and water your body needs to stay alive and healthy. He analyzes what rustles in the grass — a wild animal or just the wind? He also tries to guess what the facial expressions and gestures of people around mean.

Since the brain is always making assumptions, facial expressions are a poor indicator for judging agreement, refusal, and emotions in general. A smile can mean «I’m glad» or «I agree», but at the same time — «I’m embarrassed», «I’m plotting a terrible revenge» or «You are much stronger, so I’d better not resist.» This is true for sign language as well. Even when you shake your head, meaning an obvious «no», it can be perceived as «I’m confused», «what a joke you have» or «something dizzy.»

Any experience and action begins with pre-existing brain beliefs. When you see a sign in another person’s smile, head tilt, lips parted, it’s because the brain has deciphered it based on its notions of truth. In this respect, men do not differ from women, or biological differences here have not received scientific confirmation. We all have moments when desires affect what we see or hear. Such is human nature. If men stumble over the issue of consent more than women, it may be because they are more likely to ask for sex. But, of course, that’s no excuse.

The results of continual guessing can lead far. People often see things that aren’t there. The brain makes a wrong guess and you see a person smiling with a neutral expression. Ideally, the brain should automatically take into account the new information and correct the error, but sometimes this does not happen, and you still see a smile.

In the famous “invisible gorilla” experiment conducted by cognitive psychologists Dan Simons and Christopher Chabry, volunteers were asked to watch a video of people tossing a basketball to each other and count the tosses. By doing this, the spectators missed the gorilla crossing the field in front of everyone. They saw what was supposed to happen from their point of view, and not what actually unfolded before them.

My lab research shows that mood can also influence the things you see. When you feel good, other people look more attractive, trustworthy, and attractive. In situations of a sexual nature where there is no verbal communication, the perception of consent may suffer as the person looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.

Intentional crimes such as rape, physical assault, and sexual harassment, do not refer to incorrect guesses. These are offenses and the perpetrators must be punished. Schneiderman claims that the alleged abuse on his part was a consensual sexual practice that he engaged in, it was rough sex that he now regrets. But the rule of consent — only «yes» said with enthusiasm really means «yes» — does not change, no matter what the sexual act. Moreover, most BDSM practitioners know that relying on body language for consent is dangerous and stress the importance of verbal consent and communication to prevent questionable situations.

Crime aside, it must be admitted that two sane people can also have misunderstandings about consent if they rely on facial expressions and gestures instead of words. I know this through experimentation and my own experience. 25 years ago, on a date with a young man, we kissed, sitting on the couch at my house. We met recently, but I liked him. So when he touched my chest, I gently pulled my hand away, considering it a playful gesture. And when he changed position and threw me on the sofa, I decided that he wanted more passionate kisses. I never realized until it was almost too late that he was counting on sex and thought I agreed.

My brain and the brain of a young man made guesses about what the other wanted, and these guesses turned out to be wrong. For lack of words, I experienced my own uncomfortable and painful #MeToo moment.

Misunderstandings about consent happen, but they can never justify violence. The famous men mentioned, who insist that consensual sexual acts were the basis of the accusation, may be lying or suffering from the error of active inference. The lesson is clear: facial expressions and gestures are not language. They do not replace words. Even words are not always heard, but they are less likely to be misunderstood. You need to know your biological limitations and remember that certainty is only a feeling.