It is difficult for men to love because in love they adhere to the principle of “all or nothing,” says the Italian psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti. He is convinced that only those who have recognized and accepted their feminine side in themselves can enter into a truly intimate relationship.
Psychologies: You say that men and women love differently. Why?
Umberto Galimberti: Love is a relationship. «You and me» — that’s what they are built on. Women can bifurcate: their body is made for two, it is capable of carrying a child. In accordance with their biology, they live, think of themselves, build their lives in the “duet” mode, and this naturally manifests itself in relationships with a partner.
A man lives in a «mono» mode: he is narcissistic, focused primarily on himself. Relationships for him are a kind of addition, something external. So the ability to love is originally inherent in a woman, and love is primarily a woman’s experience.
But can men still learn to love?
Yes, provided that they recognize the presence of a female component in themselves. Biologists and psychoanalysts agree that our personality always contains a share of the opposite sex. And this part just determines a lot. Men with a strong enough «I» are able to calmly perceive their feminine side, and they manage to enter into love relationships.
Those lacking confidence feel compelled to play masculine at all costs. In this case, they are unable to accept another person, and therefore, to accommodate the feeling of love. Their relationships with women do not last long and are not deep: they collect love victories or choose dazzling beauties just to confirm their masculinity. They do not enter into a deep personal relationship with another.
So, if men do not recognize the female component in themselves, they are closed to love?
Quite right. This feminine part of their personality is not realized by them. And everything that remains in the area of the unconscious is immature, impulsive, not subject to analysis and does not develop. Such men are looking for an absolute in love, showing authoritarianism and at the same time infantilism: they are guided by the motto «all or nothing.»
Initial weakness can result in aggression, violence — crimes under the influence of passion are committed mainly by men. They do not speak the language of love, they lack words, so they move on to actions.
Why does love unbalance them?
Because this feeling suggests that degree of mental development, which they have not reached. In order to express love and live this feeling without overwhelming it, men need a special language and thinking.
For the formation of the psyche, internal conflict is necessary. And for love to be born, you need a developed psyche
When the initial sexual impulse is clothed in words and images, this turns it into a loving feeling. And here a woman is naturally given more than a man. Becoming a teenager, she builds her personality as a separate individual, and the appearance of her periods puts her before the fact of belonging to a certain community — women and expectant mothers. And then she compares these two entities, asking herself the question: who will I be first of all, a woman or a mother? When a teenage girl thinks about this dilemma, her psyche develops intensively — after all, you need to compare, look for answers.
Nothing like this happens in the lives of men: their biological “I” and their mental “I” are inseparable. But for the formation of the psyche, internal conflict is necessary. And in order for love to arise, a developed psyche is needed.
How do men experience these differences?
In my patients, I note the real anxiety before the feeling of love, life together, before women. However, men have always been afraid of women. The inconceivable ability to generate new life was awe-inspiring. The female body is perfectly in harmony, the male body is not.
For many centuries, men have compensated for this inequality by subjugating women. But the advent of contraception changed everything. Now sexual pleasure is not necessarily associated with procreation, and women began to independently manage their bodies. Men are afraid of it.
And what effect did women’s emancipation have on them?
Today’s men feel that they have lost ground over the past three decades. The feminist struggle forced them to share their thousand-year-old privilege as the head of the family. So far, they have not been able to find new forms of masculinity, and they still associate it with dominance and power.
If male power disappears completely, women feel lost
No longer able to dominate, some go to the other extreme and become overly feminized. And this is a mistake: if male power disappears completely, women feel lost. Love is built on the difference between the sexes, it needs clashes, comparisons and confrontation. We are now going through a transitional phase where everyone has to find their place anew.
What do men want from a woman’s love today?
Since men love like children, they would like to be loved like children. And they expect from a woman that she will motherly understand and accept them unconditionally. It is with such women-mothers that they build a life together. Sometimes they are looking for a second female archetype on the side — a harlot. These men maintain a teenage pattern of behavior, diligently returning home in the evening.
To become an adult is to overcome this stage. When men stop looking for their mother, and women for their father, then adults will meet who are ready to love each other. But, unlike the love they received in childhood, this love will no longer be unconditional — it will depend on how pleasant it is for a man and a woman to be together, how happy they are in a relationship. It is a long and difficult journey, commensurate with human life, and on it men and women will have to learn to free themselves from their inheritance.
Recently, the differences between the sexes have been blurred, which is especially noticeable among young people. Does it make love easier?
The younger generations have a different problem. Our children are exposed to a variety of stimuli on a daily basis. They are hyperactive, learn quickly, have access to various information, watch TV a lot, surf the Internet. To withstand such an abundance of images, their psyche adapts: susceptibility decreases, emotions become dulled.
Previously, literature helped to master the science of love: in books, they discovered its joys and sorrows. Young people today don’t know anything about it because they don’t read books. And let’s not forget about the hypersexualization of our society, in which love relationships are reduced to the level of banality. Young people have become consumers of sex; there is no room for idealization and imagination in their lives. They no longer have the erotic and emotional language needed for true love. And this is especially true of men, given their mental constitution.
Can men’s anxiety about women soften with the onset of puberty?
Unfortunately no. The older a man is, the more he doubts his potency and masculinity, which only exacerbates the problems. With age, men have a growing need for self-affirmation, to compensate for the growing sense of narcissistic inferiority. Some are limited to flirting, others cheat.
In both cases, we are talking about self-affirmation, about the desire to prove to yourself that you are still a man. Moreover, the fear of death is added to the fear of women. The man is again trapped, alone with his own “I”, instead of the love space of “you and me”.
What can women do to make men love them better?
Mothers should help their sons to accept the «feminine» part of their personality. But do not drive them into a corner, avoiding straightforwardness, do not despise masculinity. In general, women could remain in the conquered positions, but give way to men a little bit.
The day will come when women will learn to defend their freedom without aggression and without pretense.
For centuries, the entire space of public life has been completely left to men. Today, women could make some room in the private sphere: let a man act, think, make decisions on his own. Even when it comes to living together. It is in this area that women often want to retain full power.
Men and women are now mastering some third way, and this is the only possible way out. The day will come when women will learn to defend their freedom without aggression and without pretense. And men will come to a different understanding of masculinity, in which there will be no imitation of women and their subordination. The sexual revolution of the 60s took place quite recently — let’s leave it a matter of time. After all, the human psyche changes more slowly than historical circumstances.