My generation is now experiencing what is called the “crisis of the thirtieth”. It stretched for me for 5 whole years, starting at 25. Then, suddenly for many people (and even a little for myself), I quit the university where I was a senior lecturer and got a job … as a sales assistant for household appliances. I worked for a little over a year, started opening a clothing store — through myself, through a real breaking of character, terrible resistance. The night before the store opened, I was twisted and vomited at home, and it was not poisoning, but a pure kind of psychosomatics. Then he left from there, returning two years later to the university to teach psychology, but enriched with knowledge of technology and experience in acting in extreme situations, some of which he created out of naivety, stupidity and indecision. I returned, moreover, to where I started: the life of a theoretical scientist did not attract me, and psychological consultations were rare and did not bring proper satisfaction. The impetus to get out of this crisis, which began long before 30, was given by the May intensive school on existential counseling, which was conducted by E. Kaliteevskaya and D.A. Leontiev.
Talking with male peers — friends, buddies, clients — I constantly caught myself on the fact that in our experiences and thoughts, in addition to the pronounced difference in attitudes towards life and towards ourselves, there are three common themes that ran like a red thread through the crisis stages. in life.
The first theme is the feeling of passing time. One on the day of his thirtieth birthday was called an «old man», and he was terribly hurt by these words. Another “old man” encountered this at the moment when he learned from his younger cousin (with whom he had a good relationship) that young first-year girls no longer consider him “a guy”, he is “a little old” for them. I worried terribly.
The feeling of passing time is expressed not only in the fact that 30 is a psychological age e.g. youth). You look back, look at your peers, and it seems that you are behind, hopelessly behind them. Missed opportunities (the opportunity to get another education, change jobs, a good offer, a chance to marry the one who … — and many other big and small chances thrown up from time to time by life) are already knocking on the mind in the form of feelings of regret and guilt. And it will no longer be possible to brush it off, as before — time is accelerating, it is shrinking, and “the whole life is ahead” no longer works. Covers the fear of being late, and at the same time it is combined … with passivity.
“I am sitting at the computer, playing another toy, and I feel: well, everything is wrong, everything is not going as it should! I sit and do nothing, furious with myself from this idleness, I give myself a word to start a new life tomorrow and … I give this word to myself the next day. At the same time, the feeling that you are the only one dragging around here does not leave you, and the rest — especially men, of course — have long gone ahead, someone out there, in the 26th head of some company or at least a department.
Here comes the second theme. For many men, the crisis of 30 is a blow to male identity.
It turns out that you can be a guy all your life, but you need to become a man. And then you look around in search of support — what to rely on, around which to build your feeling of «I am a mature man», and not «my boyfriend.» And society, unfortunately, throws up one template for you to be recognized as a man: this is financial and professional success, moreover, expressed in a car, your own apartment, prestigious and money work, career growth. Since the professional success of a teacher, for example. Well, what are you, funny (at least, so it seems to many). If you rely only on this component of identity, then the fact that the wife earns more is a blow, and a strong one. The consciousness that you, as an adult, cannot support a family (if you are already married and, especially, have children), relentlessly puts pressure on your consciousness and subconscious, and this time you won’t turn away “I’m just starting, give me time.” You are already thirty (or about, or «for»), and you are still … (with parents, in a rented apartment ..). Where is that which you can present to the world: here it is, conquered by me, won in battle? 30 years is the age for this presentation! Now I understand that opening a store for me was a form of presenting this prey: they say, what kind of animal did I get. In itself, he was not valuable to me.
Identity is essentially based on the search for similarity in the external world. I found a wonderful example from one author of a man who describes experiences regarding his body:
“… I began to pay attention to the bodies of other men. Sometimes I envy their biceps. I look at the veins in their arms and compare them to mine. Before, I didn’t care if my blood vessels were visible.
Or is it still not? Looking back, I realize that I just didn’t admit how insecure I’ve felt all these years because of my sunken chest. I pretended that I didn’t care. I pretended that I was above all this. However, he hated to change in the common locker room and rarely took off his T-shirt, even on the beach ”(J. Jacobs).
To whom are the trophies presented? First of all, in front of other men. In ancient times, there was a whole practice of initiation, initiation into men, when young men went through a series of difficult tests, proving that they deserve to stand on a par with adults. The modern world does not know this initiation. The army, based on the suppression of male initiative and self-esteem, cannot and has never coped with this role. Recognition from other mature men is what it takes to feel like one yourself. No amount of success with women will make up for rejection among significant figures for you (primarily your father).
In the modern model of male identity (“I am a mature man”), “a good husband and father” is not listed. It seems to me that the image of a male father in our society is either discredited or completely absent as one of the pillars of male identity. The fact that you are the father of your daughters and sons often does not serve as a basis for self-perception of your wealth and masculinity. «I’m a father» — somehow does not sound for many. Whether the case «I am the manager of such and such a company.» Despite the fact that, according to my personal feeling, in “I am the beloved father of my children, dad” there is an abyss of self-esteem, self-respect and mature masculinity. If this is a personal measure of masculinity and is recognized as such in a significant environment.
Many men, unable to find a way out of the crisis impasse, begin to imitate the behavior of «real men.» Without filling the image of a man with real content (professional success, financial well-being, feeling like a support for their children and wife, etc.), they begin to portray a man, asserting the so-called «negative identity» — through suppression, primarily of women. By contrast. Since women are the second source of confirmation of male identity, after recognition from other men.
Professional and financial success does not guarantee against a crisis. Since there may be Napoleonic plans. Let us recall the experiences of Julius Caesar, who lamented that at the age of 30 he had achieved nothing, while Alexander the Great conquered the world. And Alexander himself, who burned down at the age of 33, is at the pinnacle of power and glory. What happened to him?
The third theme is the feeling of powerlessness because the world refuses to play by your rules. The youthful “do not bend under the changing world” is increasingly faced with the fact that the changing world is not going to “bend under us” at all. Alexander felt, it seems to me, that not everything was under his control (even his own army rebelled), and that the world he set out to conquer was much larger than it seemed. Somewhere you make compromises with your conscience, somewhere you give in (sometimes — despising yourself). In some situations, you are afraid for your family, and its presence makes you be more careful. You have to accept that there are things you have no control over.
“I suddenly realized that in my life I would not be able to realize all my interests, that I needed to delve into one thing. I can no longer rush from one to another. I want to prioritize, but for me it has always been excruciatingly difficult, always trying to keep up with all the hares at once. As a result, what have I achieved? A little bit everywhere. And time is running out.»
The way out of the crisis, as a rule, lies in two directions.
1. Revision and reassessment of their former values and aspirations, and — return to them, reverse appropriation.
Only now — on the basis of free choice, asserting them as their own values, and not as randomly chosen or inspired by someone from outside. This process was beautifully described by I. Yalom in his «When Nietzsche Wept», where I. Breuer played in his subconscious the departure from the hateful family — and the return to it.
2. Search for your occupation, your way of life.
But the search is not passive, through lying on the couch and reasoning about how everything will turn out when you get up from the couch … The essence of the crisis is when you have grown out of your old pants, and no one but yourself will sew new ones for you. And you begin to learn to sew: painfully long trying to get the thread into the eye of the needle, then repeatedly prick, to the point of blood. But even before you start sewing, you need to decide what exactly you want to sew.
The essence of the crisis of the thirtieth year is the first large-scale review of his past life, an attempt to assess what he has achieved over the past years. Unfortunately, few people, looking back, nod their heads with satisfaction and move on in the same direction they went. Most of those who looked back shook their heads in dismay.
There are still others: those who do not look back at all. They will do it someday. But it will be REALLY late.
“Flying to work in another city, constantly calling back, conducting business negotiations while driving, changing several cities or countries in a lifetime is a common thing. But will you be able to say at the end of your life what you did in it and whether you did something at all — this is another question ”(V. Kagan).
At 30, it’s time to change something.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.