Men in search of tenderness

“My wife and I have been together for fifteen years and we make love about once a week. I would be prevaricating, saying that I do not miss that crazy passion that we burned at the beginning. But still, closeness brings us great joy every time. And besides spicy pleasures, there is still a lot of pleasant things: we caress each other, fall asleep next to each other, feeling warm, plunging into the rhythm of the other’s breathing … “

Maybe 38-year-old Andrei is an exception? The need for tenderness and a quiet life together is usually considered purely feminine. Do men want the same? Exactly! says sexologist and anthropologist Philip Brenaud, based on the results of his survey.

From the answers of men, a portrait of a lover is formed, who, of course, has become more demanding in sex and has many fantasies, but at the same time seeks to understand his girlfriend and values ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbstability. Major changes are taking place in the world of sexual relations.

They are not satisfied… but they are in love

Only 33% of men are completely satisfied with their sex life. “First of all, the frequency of contacts, which 63% of respondents find insufficient, causes dissatisfaction,” comments Philippe Brenaud. “Nevertheless, 92% say they love their partner.”

This is what he considers proof that everything has changed. “Most men would love to make love every day, but they adjust to the rhythm of their girlfriend’s life and respect her desires. They are willing to accept their dissatisfaction rather than jeopardize the relationship.”

However, statements about the lack of sex should not always be taken literally. “They can be caused by the desire to match the image of a “real man” that is created by cinema, television and advertising, says sexologist Irina Panyukova. This imaginary hero is constantly ready for love adventures.

In real life, this rarely happens. But attraction is considered a necessary sign of masculinity, which is why men are in a hurry to declare it.

In addition, some dissatisfaction is rather beneficial for relationships: it helps to maintain sexual appetite, preventing satiety from developing.

They become different

So, is it time to archive the sex-driven image of Homo sapiens to make room for the new man?

Beware: evolution is slow.

“… And unevenly,” adds Irina Panyukova. “Someone adapts to new conditions by developing new sexual behavior, while someone increases the intensity of the previous one: some men learn to build equal relationships with women, others increase the number of short, devoid of emotional connections.”

Culture and upbringing at all times supported the belief in men that they had a dominant role in sex. In Freud, libido is a purely male concept.

“At the beginning of the XNUMXth century, the most authoritative physicians argued that the developed sexual instinct in women is abnormal and unnatural,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. – It was believed that a woman is intended to give birth and raise children, and not to enjoy.

Social norms at that time were more important than individual desires. Men also sought pleasure in brief relationships, and relationships in the family were built on a sense of duty.

But now more and more men admit that they need love and tenderness. There are also counter processes: women began to openly express their desire. And sometimes changes in women’s behavior confuse men. Finding themselves in an unusual role as an object of desire, men feel confused and do not know how to behave.

They are afraid of not providing their partner with an orgasm

32-year-old Sergey has been in a couple for three years and says bluntly: “If my girlfriend does not experience pleasure, it seems to me that I failed, did not give her what she wanted.” About 40% of European men also consider their wife’s orgasm a condition for “successful sexual relations.”

But this is not always how caring for a loved one is manifested. Often behind this lies the desire of a man to establish himself in his power, making sure that the pleasure of a woman depends entirely on him.

When a man seeks to bring his partner to orgasm without fail, she may perceive this as pressure or coercion. And in the end he will pretend not to upset him.

“I can enjoy all stages of intimacy,” says 32-year-old Marina. “But if I didn’t experience an orgasm, I feel a silent reproach from my husband, as if he was offended by this.”

“Excessive focus on the “result” does not allow a woman to relax,” emphasizes Irina Panyukova. – She is tense about whether everything is going as it should, and this prevents her from reaching the heights of pleasure. But the constant pretense is not good for the relationship: the man thinks that he is doing everything right, and his partner accumulates annoyance.

They exalt the vagina

Thus, a man and a woman still have to establish a dialogue before they are equal partners in matters of sexual bliss. But men are already learning to express their feelings, including those that were previously considered not characteristic of them.

“Tenderness and caring have never been alien to men,” Lev Khegay is sure, “but in the time of Freud and for most of the XNUMXth century it was impossible to talk about this, since these qualities were regarded as feminine. And the presence of them in the stronger sex was interpreted as homosexuality, which, in turn, was condemned and persecuted.

Today, when official homophobia is a thing of the past, heterosexual men also have more freedom in expressing their feelings.” This is also shown in how enthusiastically they talk about the female genitals.

Answering the question “What do you think of your partner’s genitals?”, 88% of men said: “beautiful” (despite the fact that only 71% of them considered their own beautiful). 87% think it “tastes good”.

Some compare it to a “magic flower” and call it “worthy of admiration.” Others describe it as “lemon-tasting”, “delectable smell”, and most will bluntly admit that they enjoy cunnilingus.

“Today, men do not hesitate to show their interest in the intimate organs of their partner, and this freedom is a completely new phenomenon,” Philippe Brenaud comments.

His research testifies to the profound evolution of mores and sexual practices over the past three decades – in particular, that the ban on oral sex is a thing of the distant past.

They appreciate foreplay

The roles of men and women in the economy and social life have changed markedly. But these changes do not change the fundamental physiological difference between us. And this difference is a source of attraction, mutual curiosity, and surprise, and embarrassment.

“Regardless of our experience, a person of the opposite sex is always terra incognita for us, and each time we try to get used to this mysterious land anew,” says Irina Panyukova. “Foreplay helps to get to know and get used to each other, to overcome your own embarrassment or fear.”

Philip Breno’s research shows that for most men, the period of gentle caresses is an important part of sexual intercourse.

It’s the same for 40-year-old Andrey, who spares no time for long hugs and strokes, caressing his wife all over the place, soaking up her scents, enjoying the way she responds to his touch, “before moving on to the most important thing.”

“I’m not doing this just for her,” he admits. “I myself am pleased, the process becomes longer, the completion is pushed back, and the excitement reaches its highest point.” Andrei loves these manifestations of sensuality, and here he may differ from the rest.

The survey showed that, although among men only a small part does not see the point in foreplay, many of them (62%, and among them 68% are over 50 years old) consider it “quite long”. At the same time, 56% (66% in the 50+ group) admit that they do it only to please their wife. Young people pay more attention to preparations for love.

“From the point of view of physiology, it should be the other way around, because it is at an older age that more visual and tactile stimuli are required to achieve arousal,” notes Irina Panyukova. – So the reason for the different attitudes towards foreplay is not age as such, but belonging to different generations: the older one is oriented towards more patriarchal ideas and rejects “excessive tenderness”.

As for young men, we must not forget that the inhabitants of the metropolis live in constant stress, which is accompanied by energy costs. And unhurried, gentle mutual caresses for 15-20 minutes allow you to restore this energy. Increasing foreplay is an intuitive way to maintain a healthy sexuality.”

They feel like guests, not conquerors

While concerned about the pleasure of a woman, men, however, do not lose sight of their main goal: penetration. This is what most of them strive for. But here, too, the answers surprised the researchers: when describing sensations at this moment, very few use vocabulary associated with conquest and dominion.

More often they talk about “gentle enveloping”, about the feeling of “warmth, humidity, caress”, about “limitless, all-encompassing”, almost maternal love. Many do not “take” their woman, but feel that it is she who “accepts” them, feel like “guests” and even use metaphors of love unity, fusion and completeness.

Of course, there are still inveterate “macho”. But today, a new type of man seems to be emerging: he accepts his feminine part and admits that he needs tenderness and love just like most women.

“The need to meet invented standards and prove one’s masculinity masks male self-doubt,” says Lev Khegay. – To some extent, it is characteristic of almost everyone: every man projects the image of a mother onto women, everyone has a little boy in his soul who is afraid of censure and craves female approval and praise.

This pushes men in an effort to learn how to give pleasure and, becoming more and more sophisticated in the technique of sex, at the same time see in a woman not only a sexual object, but also a person. Sensuality becomes one of the aspects of versatile relationships.”