«Men don’t cry» as a pedagogical suggestion to children

Rarely do boys cry, whom their parents taught in a difficult situation — to act. More often cry those children who do not know what to do.

The boy fell, hit his knee hard and sits rubbing it. — «Poor thing, how it hurts you, go, I’ll take pity on you!» the grandmother wailed, and the child burst into tears. When they regret, I want to cry and feel poor. Women love to take care of the little and unfortunate, they love to feel sorry, but the result of such female upbringing is a girl, not a boy.

Watch how children behave when they hit something painfully during play. Do they cry? — Yes, if there is a mother nearby. If a mother or grandmother is nearby, the child cries and runs to her to regret. If there is no mother or grandmother, if the children play alone, without adults, crying sounds surprisingly rare. He hit — he rubbed his knee, well, he whined — he ran on. Let’s play!

The suggestion to boys “Men don’t cry” is not a ban on emotions in general, but the education of the culture and habits of the future man. Women’s fears «This will lead to the suppression of emotions and the child will grow up unemotional» — empty. If parents explain to the child that it is impossible to fight with iron sticks, this is not a ban on movements in general and this will not lead to the child’s physical underdevelopment. Our children can and should be alive and emotional, but feelings of helplessness and self-pity should hardly be the main notes in the scale of emotional experiences of our children.

Good parents have a simple rule: “If you need help, tell us, we will definitely help you. But if you cry, how can we help you? Stop crying and say whatever you want!». This rule establishes normal communication between children and parents, and instead of emotional pressure on parents, children begin to calmly talk to them about their problems and their desires.

Children cry not just from pain, children cry for adults to be sorry. Only later, over time, they begin to cry not for adults, but for themselves, they begin to feel sorry for themselves.

Psychologists taught this in the course of child psychology: “The activity shared between the adult and the child is internalized by the child over time and becomes his personal.”

Actually, why not cry if you want to, but you are ready to regret? Why not cry if you are a child? Why not continue to cry through life, if in the model of female behavior it is normal to cry when faced with a terrible and difficult situation? Women cry because there are men next to them who will hear them and protect them. But if, at a moment when it is scary and difficult, a man, instead of protecting a woman, starts crying, the woman will remain defenseless. The woman will be left without a man.

«Cry, cry, it will be easier!» — Grandmothers tell their granddaughters: girls are being taught the norms of female behavior. “Men don’t cry,” fathers say to their sons so that they don’t turn into a crybaby.

At the same time, as in any learning situation, the pedagogical task should be feasible: if the situation is unexpected and too difficult for the boy, the father in such a situation will remain silent and only hug his crying son. Men do not grow up immediately, you cannot demand everything at once. But remembering the direction is necessary: ​​»Men don’t cry.» Men should act, not worry. Men must be strong, and even their tears must at one time make both themselves and their environment stronger.

At the same time, we should not demand from our grandmothers that they tell their beloved grandchildren: “Stop crying, you are a man!” — when the child cries and looks plaintively at her with plaintive eyes, the grandmother is unable to say such a thing. But if a man, a father, is engaged in men’s upbringing, he needs to be supported. I would like to believe that our women are married to adequate men who can be entrusted with raising children. We will be happy if every boy has a father — a real man, from whom he himself wants to take an example. Men must be strong for women to be happy.

Of course, if the child hit hard and cried a little out of resentment, there is nothing to worry about, this is not a tantrum, and this is normal. But it’s not excellent. And if we plan to live to the maximum and raise our children in the same way, then no resentment and no tears. Real men don’t react like that, so boys should learn the same.

It is clear that age-specific features must be taken into account. Up to a year, a child has only honest crying, but after a year the situation is more complicated: the child masters both instrumental and manipulative crying. If the child is crying just from pain, it is perfectly normal to pick him up, in his arms he will calm down faster. If the little one wants something and cries about it, calmly ask him what he wants, let him show you at least with his hand or the direction of his gaze: at the age of one and a half it is already time to teach children this. And if he yells, just getting his own way, don’t react to this or try to distract him — it’s wrong if the child gets used to commanding you. And to talk with a child that it’s not appropriate for a boy to cry, of course, it’s worth it later, the topic “you are not a girl” is not relevant until 3 years old.

By the way, about girls — what do you think, how to relate to crying in girls? Can they cry? How much? What for? According to my information, in the old days at the Institute for Noble Maidens, it was indecent for girls to cry. It’s just — bad form, as if you were from the peasantry. Fainting was allowed, but crying was not. And then educated girls did not cry, even when it was difficult and painful … But still: what do you think? How should we raise our children? Boys? Girls?

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.