Contents
Their tears are always touching, because it happens infrequently to see them. If men cry, it is more stealthily. And even today, when the ban on such a manifestation of feelings has become weaker, men’s tears are still a mystery to women.
Men are crying today. Without a doubt, they are much easier than the older generation to give in to emotions. “The last time I cried in a movie was when I watched Anthony Minghella’s The English Patient,” Alexander admits. An unusual confession from the lips of a 32-year-old lawyer. But would his father have told with the same ease about the experienced emotions? “He definitely never cried,” the son is sure.
“Today, a man does not have to hold back tears in order to confirm his masculinity,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “In the last fifteen years, gender stereotypes of manifestations of emotionality have become less rigid.”
But still, it is too early to say that the reactions of men and women have become the same.
Is it possible to compare streams flowing from women’s eyes in the same cinema hall with only moistened eyes of their companions? “My throat caught, it stung in my eyes,” Alexander continues. And he adds: “I didn’t even suspect that I was capable of falling into such a state, especially because of the film!”
Confession of powerlessness
As a child, Alexander, like most boys, was often told: a real man should not cry. “This cultural stereotype is still significant in modern society: parents continue to raise their sons, limiting their emotionality,” explains sexologist Igor Kon. “In the future, this keeps men from openly showing their feelings.”
“When I realize that I can cry, I either look away from what hurt me, or find something that will distract me, help me switch,” agrees 43-year-old Oleg.
“Men also hold back their emotions because most of them are action-oriented,” says psychotherapist Patrick Lemoine. – They are not inclined, unlike women, to listen to their experiences, to follow their lead. But tears do not allow to act, they take away time, energy.
In addition, crying means admitting your powerlessness, defeat, inability to cope with the situation.
And therefore, do not give vent to tears. Sergey, 51, cannot remember a single time when he cried: “I don’t know what could shock me so much that tears appeared in my eyes.” Of course, with the exception of the death or illness of loved ones.
“Such tears are allowed by society, because they confirm that men belong to the human race, their “normality,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak. “But if tears hint in any way that a man has problems or feelings that he cannot cope with, from a conventional point of view, they seem inappropriate, indicate his insolvency.”
Death, the suffering of a loved one, parting with loved ones and a feeling of joy – these reasons for tears are called by men immediately, without hesitation. “I cried when I found out that my son was born,” recalls 26-year-old Roman. Tears welled up on their own. But I am proud of them, because the event was exceptional.”
Similar feelings were experienced by 23-year-old Semyon when the Russian team reached the semi-finals at the 2008 European Football Championship: “No one was ashamed of their tears, on the contrary, they could only be proud of!” “Be proud because they marked a victory, a well-deserved triumph,” adds Alexander Orlov. “These were tears of unity, patriotism and, therefore, worthy of respect.”
Restraint in expressing feelings
But even when emotions take over, very few men show them as openly and violently as women. “When my father died, I was in despair, but I couldn’t cry,” admits 34-year-old Piotr. “My sister was crying, and I knew that she was judging me for my insensitivity, but I didn’t cry.”
Tears allow you to express the deepest feelings. Not too inclined to discuss feelings, men cry more restrained than women, and cry for themselves. If a man breaks down and bursts into tears, he wants only one thing: to shrink into a ball to be left alone. Shut up, think, reflect. And ultimately, if possible, find inner peace.
Since men rarely cry, tears have a psychotherapeutic effect on them.
And the effect of them is even more tangible than that of women. “I rarely cry, and if I do, the tears come suddenly,” admits 21-year-old Stepan. “But then I feel some kind of special lightness!”
Piotr, 24, on the other hand, says tears are devastating, “it feels like you’re blown away like a balloon.” Then he feels completely broken and, moreover, feels ashamed: one tear – and a gap appears in the armor.
“Those who were brought up under the slogan “a man should always keep himself in control,” any outbursts of emotions are regarded as a loss of self-control,” explains Igor Kon. – And they try to suppress, hide, control their experiences. And if it doesn’t work out, they are tormented by a sense of guilt.”
The loss of self-control means for them a divergence from the image of superman, which they would like to live up to.
“I didn’t know that a father could cry…”
Valery, 41 years old, sound engineer
“I will never forget the day I saw tears in my father’s eyes. I was 12 years old. My grandmother, my father’s mother, so strong, cheerful, was taken to the hospital. She couldn’t walk. For some reason, no one in the family talked about it.
One evening, returning from the hospital, my father said to my mother: “I saw a stick with such a tripod in the pharmacy. You can buy when mom gets on her feet. And my mother looked at him point-blank and said dryly: “You know very well that she will never get up again.” I mean, face it, don’t be a kid.
And I saw how my father suddenly bent over, shrank, became somehow small, as if he had actually turned into a child. There were tears in my eyes. Seeing me, he tried to straighten up, but could not. Then he took out a handkerchief and hid his face in it.
I was shocked: my father, whom I considered so strong, simply invulnerable, can cry. Suddenly I realized what I feel, I understand his pain. And he got mad at his mom. Even now, when I remember, I feel it all and worry again. Unlike my father, I never tried to hide what I have inside from my people: I want them to understand what I am experiencing.
The right to be vulnerable
Such a display of sensitivity touches women, but for some of them it also causes anxiety. “I don’t feel comfortable when I see men’s tears,” admits 26-year-old Elizabeth. “It throws me off, it’s like we’re switching roles.”
When 48-year-old Anna first saw her husband cry, she was shocked: “It was touching precisely because it was unusual. But if this happened at the beginning of our relationship, I’m not sure that I would have decided to connect my life with him. It’s hard to feel protected next to an overly emotional man.”
For a long time, men’s tears violated the generally accepted idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbtrue masculinity. Today, they are increasingly perceived as evidence of the authenticity of feelings. Tired of gritting your teeth to play the role of a hero, more and more men allow themselves to show vulnerability. But – silently, alone with yourself.
What emotions does a man want to cry?
Shyness. “Realizing that I can cry, I look away or find something to distract, switch” – Oleg, 43 years old.
Shame. “There is nothing good here: tears are just devastating. That’s it – you’re blown away like a balloon” – Peter, 34 years old.
Pride. “When in 2008 Russia reached the semi-finals of the European Championship, everyone cried! And no one was ashamed, on the contrary, everyone was proud! – Semyon, 23 years old.