There are many stereotypical ideas about masculinity in society. Physical strength, confidence, desire for power or alcohol abuse — we are accustomed to attribute these attributes to a «real» man. However, are they really that important? And will it help a man feel masculine? Psychotherapist Sean Swayby talks about this.
What does it mean to be a man? For me, this is an important question. Inside everyone lives the desire to know who we really are. What makes men develop and achieve success? What does courage mean to us?
It is easy for me to name things that have nothing to do with masculinity:
- Drink more than your neighbor.
- Establish yourself at the expense of property: a big house or a fast car.
- Take more weight than the other guy in the rocking chair.
- To be the owner of the loudest voice or the most valuable opinion in the meeting.
- Carry a weapon with you.
- Use force against another person.
- Fix broken things.
- Gender identity and sexual characteristics.
Most turn to examples from their immediate environment to get a first idea of what it means to be a man. For example, for my father, masculinity was manifested in the fact that he constantly drank and hid a lot. He was angry and depressed. He didn’t know how to talk about important things. As a result, I grew up hating alcohol. For me, he has become a demon that captures people.
I also had uncles who learned masculinity through pornography. Pornography taught them that women are a means to pleasure. When a man begins to consider a woman as a thing, it changes him forever. The effect created by violent and humiliating porn is very difficult to erase afterwards.
Others taught me that masculinity is getting out of the city and learning how to live in the wild. I became a Boy Scout as a teenager and spent many days with a pack on my back. But even in the Boy Scout troop, the older boys expressed their masculinity by bringing alcohol and porn into our group. All these examples only confuse me.
Finding the answer to the question «What does it mean to be a man?» not a requirement for survival. This is a voluntary decision. Many men give up deep self-knowledge and embrace primitive definitions of masculinity: alcohol abuse, anger, misogyny, pornography, and power over others.
But some are ready to go beyond these superficial ideas and dive into the depths of their own «I». In the process of internal search, I realized that true masculinity has much more to do with self-knowledge than with external manifestations.
Examples of others may be useful pointers, but these are just guidelines. We need to find a way to pass through the narrow gates of our own consciousness and soul. When I searched for answers within, I found dark caves and sources of light there. One of my caves is clinical depression and anxiety. I need to learn to live with it. Of course, women are also affected by these diseases, but they have a special effect on men.
Society believes that men should be strong and self-confident. But depression undermines our faith in ourselves.
At least that’s what happened to me. I’m still not completely healed. I will most likely have to fight this for the rest of my life.
But there are also rays of light within us. To be a man, it is important to know yourself and your strengths. Being a man means, first of all, being honest with yourself. Being a man means being a complete person.
But being a complete person is not easy. For me, it means taking risks and fighting back my anxiety, not letting depression determine my future, maintaining work discipline, and being responsible for my children. It means exploring aspects of the personality that make me uncomfortable.
And sometimes you need to slow down and just breathe with your eyes closed. All these things help me feel alive.
About the author: Sean Swayby is a psychotherapist and addiction specialist.