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The notorious Oedipus complex has been questioned over and over again. But for Freudians, one thing is clear: it is thanks to him that we have male and female sexuality. Once again, we are talking about the “key concept of psychoanalysis” with the psychoanalyst Jean-David Nazio.
“Oedipus, which will be discussed, is a hero of ancient Greek mythology who has become a symbol of a certain stage in the development of our sexuality,” explains Jean-David Nazio. This sexual desire, which we are accustomed to think of as an attribute of an adult, is experienced by a small child at the age of three to five years. It is directed at parents. Why on them? Yes, simply because they are nearby. The innocent child endows them with sexuality, engages them in his fantasies, and unashamedly copies their adult sexual behavior.”
The Oedipus complex corresponds to that phase of mental development during which we learn to restrain our impulses and give up unfulfilled desires through the assimilation of prohibitions, including incest. This is a necessary stage, overcoming which we will later be able to love, create a couple, build a family.
And if we were never able to survive that very first love of ours – for dad and mom – the Oedipus complex creates great emotional difficulties for us. After all, no potential partner can compare with parents – the way we saw them in childhood.
Oedipus complex in a boy
To “possess” the mother is the main unconscious Oedipal fantasy of the little boy. Another most famous fantasy from this period is “to kill the father.” The Oedipus complex is a “war” of fathers and sons, in which the latter seek to assert themselves.
In the end, these desires instill in the child a sense of guilt, he begins to be tormented by an unconscious fear of castration, as Freud calls it. This fear in its extreme manifestations can even lead to the formation of neuroses and phobias. He also allows the boy to understand what is possible and what is not, and frees him from incestuous fantasies. Rivalry with and fear of his father lead to the fact that the boy begins to identify with his father and, as a result, abandons his mother.
Mechanisms of sexual identification
“While living through the Oedipal phase, the child acquires the basis of his future sexuality,” explains Jean-David Nazio. – He acquires something that subsequently makes a man choose a masculine type of behavior, and a woman – a feminine one. And this despite the fact that there are many women who choose the male type, and vice versa.
The terms masculine and feminine refer to the two main ways of choosing an object of love and experiencing sexual desire, but there are so many special cases that it is impossible to give a portrait of a typical man or a typical woman.
Oedipus complex in a girl
Paradoxically, a very small girl, just like a boy, wants to have a mother. However, between the ages of three and five, she suddenly discovers that the boy has a penis. Then begins a painful period during which the girl feels imperfect. Someone has robbed her of something truly precious, and that someone, she thinks, is her mother.
Thus ends the idyll with her mother, and the girl turns to her father. First, in order to be as strong as him, which, of course, is impossible. Then – hoping to be desired by him: “I will marry dad.” This is an unconscious fantasy: she does not know exactly what she wants, and, of course, is not going to move on to real actions. In her behavior, she begins to imitate her mother, whom, on the one hand, she hates as a rival, and on the other, she considers her an ideal, admires her femininity and dreams of being like her in order to please her father. To achieve adult femininity, the girl gives up her forbidden fantasies.
Masculine type
Male sexuality is driven by the boy’s oedipal fantasy of “possessing” his mother. A man is proud of his penetrating penis. But in his unconscious, a childhood fear of castration persists, because of which a man is more afraid of physical pain and is constantly worried about proving his masculinity, says Jean-David Nazio.
“A man is afraid of losing the power that he thinks he has thanks to the penis. Finally, it must be said with all certainty: a man is cowardly and vulnerable because of the constant painful attention to his body. Any risky act causes in him the fear of being destroyed, and failure is often associated with humiliation that cripples him.
A man prefers to love rather than be loved. However, having fallen in love for real, he is afraid of becoming addicted.
The worst thing for a man is another person who cannot be satisfied and who imposes his will. This situation revives his childhood fears. However, in the unconscious of an adult man, there are also memories of childhood fantasies of a feminine type, of how he passively gave himself up to the pleasure that his parents gave him.
Such “after-effects” are the feminine side of the personality and can be found in even the most vivacious men. Therefore, a man prefers to love rather than be loved. However, having fallen in love for real, he is afraid of becoming dependent, and this is a very painful experience for someone who needs to feel strong.
If the mother is lonely
If a mother raises a child alone, how is an Oedipus complex possible? “The most important thing is that the child does not become the only love of her life,” replies J.-D. Nazio. – If a woman does not have a partner, then it is enough to have serious interests and hobbies. The father is the third person (person, occupation, ideal) towards whom the desire of the mother is directed and who, consequently, stands between her and the child and allows him to separate himself.
feminine type
Female sexuality usually manifests itself in the desire to surrender, in contrast to the male desire to possess. It is associated with the unconscious fantasy of a little girl about becoming sexually attractive to her father.
In adulthood, this dream is transformed into a need to be needed by a man. Since she realized very early that there was “something wrong” with her, a woman may not be sure of her appearance and worth.
These doubts make her feel “incomplete”, “unfinished”, constantly comparing herself to other women. Weakness and strength do not concern her in the first place, for her the main thing is to be necessary to someone. And, although she does not know the fear of castration, which is characteristic of men, she is also afraid of being abandoned.
As soon as we fall in love or feel desire, the child of the oedipal phase lurking in us comes to life again.
“She has nothing to lose, except for the love of a man,” says Jean-David Nazio, “love for her is a subject of constant search, a need that she seeks to satisfy again and again.”
However, unconsciously, some women get “stuck” in the period when they envied the boy’s penis and the father’s strength. Then they react to the situation from the contrary, deciding that they don’t need “it”, they are already much stronger than men.
As soon as we fall in love or feel desire, the child of the oedipal phase lurking in us comes to life again. It is because of him that we tend to reproduce the same love schemes. But we must thank him for the fact that every time we love like the first.
About it
- Sigmund Freud. “I and It”, Eksmo-press, 2017
- “Key Concepts of Psychoanalysis”, B&C, 2001.