Memory of childhood delights

According to Freud, sexual development begins from the first days of life. And our first impressions, always bright and strong, continue to influence us as we grow up. An adult person has genital sexuality – his sexual interest is focused on the genitals (his own and his partner). But before that, there are several stages, when other areas of the body bring the greatest pleasure. From the first days to about a year and a half, the mother breastfeeds the baby. Sucking, eating is his main pleasure, and the child receives it by acting with lips and tongue. This stage in psychoanalysis is called oral (from the Latin os, oris – mouth).

The next stage, anal (lat. anus – anal opening), lasts from one and a half to three years. At this age, the child is potty trained. He discovers that he is no longer helpless, that he is able to control his body! The main pleasure comes from the ability to restrain your urge or give it free rein at your discretion. He can also control his parents: the child himself chooses whether to please them with his new skill or not. For the first time he has power over others. The anal stage of psychosexual development is followed by the phallic (from the Greek phallos – male sexual organ in a state of erection) – from 3 to 5-6 years. It is here that interest in the genitals awakens for the first time and it turns out that they can be a source of pleasure. At the same time, an Oedipus complex arises – an attraction to a parent of the opposite sex. Then comes the latent (hidden) stage, when sexual desires fade into the background. Sigmund Freud believed that during these years, sexuality seems to be dormant, giving way to the formation of a conscious “I”. Between the ages of twelve and eighteen, the genital stage begins. Freud wrote little about these last two stages of development (latent and genital). He focused on the study of early childhood, because he was convinced that it was this period that had a decisive influence on all subsequent life. According to Freud, the child’s attention is focused on his own bodily pleasures: children’s sexuality is primarily autoerotic. And since the child does not yet have any prohibitions, he is ready to use everything to please himself, directs his desires in any direction.

Freud also explains that a mother, in caring for her child, gives him much more pleasure than is necessary for the simple satisfaction of his vital needs. She caresses him, plays with him, sings and has a gentle conversation. And he gets this pleasure from communication in addition to what arises as a result of satisfying his needs. Subsequently, the child, and then the adult, wants to continue to receive this additional pleasure as well – it becomes his new need. This longing becomes the basis of sexual desire.

Sexual attraction to another begins to take shape during the period of the Oedipus complex. “The child longs to take possession of the parent of the opposite sex,” explains psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin. The boy wants to push his father out of his mother’s life so that all her attention belongs to him alone. The girl would like to take the place of her mother in order to be with her father all the time. At the same time, this secret competition with the parent of the same sex and jealousy for him causes the child to feel guilty. This is a complex and controversial situation, but in it the child learns to cope with his own desires and refuse those that are forbidden.

Most of us do not get over these childhood conflicts to the end. And adult desire is gradually fed and supplemented by fantasies coming from childhood.

The boy experienced a vague but pleasant excitement when he once saw the open neckline of his aunt or mother’s friend – when he grows up, a woman’s neckline will be attractive to him (although he may never remember that first impression). And a woman will find especially sexy a young man in blue jeans and flip-flops on his bare feet – because it will remind her of some handsome man from her childhood.

Especially strong or painful impressions of the early years can turn into haunting fantasies. Under the power of such fantasies, some are doomed to reproduce the same sequence of actions every time, for example, a scene of violence or humiliation. They depend on this scenario like a drug. Without it, they cannot enjoy.

However, all the richness of love relationships is revealed to us only when we are truly interested in the person who is now next to us. In interaction, we open the possibility of joint creativity in love. Without limiting ourselves to two or three inevitable scenarios, we can make pleasure unlimited, and satisfaction complete and mutual. “In the most mature and holistic love relationships there is a place for childhood and adolescent states,” Andrey Rossokhin is convinced. – For example, a man wants to be a small child at his mother’s breast, and a woman wants to curl up in a man’s lap. And that’s okay.” The main thing is that this should not be the main theme of the relationship. As in music – not the main motive, but the notes that make the sound richer.