After 10 years of marriage, Pavel and Maria found that boredom was the only word to describe their relationship. And although none of them dare to say it out loud, everyone feels at a dead end: no feelings, no hopes for change. How to save a relationship in which partners do not feel alive?
Pavel and Maria have two children, a large house, two dogs, and elderly parents who require constant care — there is more than enough to do. But predictability and routine torment them no less than all these problems. Even sex has become a routine: in recent years, everyone finds an excuse to avoid it. It would suit both of them not to do it at all, but internal anxiety about the “last stronghold of marriage” does not allow them to decide. How, when boredom entered the relationship?
Marriage has many tasks — having children, building a house, helping each other in their careers. Everyone tried to provide the family with reliability and security, and the spouses succeeded. Why is stability perceived as a failure? Why did monotony and boredom become factors that devalue these achievements? And why do some people resign themselves to boredom in marriage as an inevitability, while others are ready to risk everything just to avoid it?
American writer and historian Pamela Haag wrote the book «Marriage Condfidential: love in post romantic age» about the phenomenon, which she gave the name «melancholic marriage». She describes couples that can be called «semi-happy» — they seem to be doing well, but the partners in such a relationship do not feel alive. Their life is a measured routine. Each of them prefers to spend the evening in bed with a smartphone than in communication with each other.
The first year of a relationship is what is commonly called a «honeymoon»: a lot of great sex, easy communication, plans for the future, dreams and confidence that this will always be the case. What word will we never hear in the description of people who have recently fallen in love with each other? Boredom.
We cannot predict in advance what we will be able to refuse and what we will not. We will understand this only when we make our choice.
What happens next? Any choice involves an alternative that we sacrifice. Choosing a stable relationship, we choose constancy and refuse uncertainty: it is unlikely that we check the messenger every five minutes to see when the spouse was online, and if it was, we are not tormented by doubts why we didn’t write and whether we should write it ourselves. Choosing accessibility, we give up desire, because you can only desire what you do not have. A person who is here and will be here tomorrow, and is not going anywhere, gives peace of confidence. But on the other hand, it does not inspire us to conquer.
Unfortunately, we cannot predict in advance what we can and cannot refuse. We will understand this only when we make our choice. Isn’t that why, as long as there is a marriage, there are also betrayals — as a solution to the paradox of stability and uncertainty? Isn’t that why, for the most part, the hopes of mistresses, who have been waiting for a divorce of married lovers for years, are futile, because he has already made a choice: both stability and passion.
In classical literature, we will find many examples of «melancholic marriage» — a completely calm coexistence of spouses, periodically (if conditions allowed) entering into romantic relationships on the side. But until (relatively) recently, marital boredom was not such a big problem as it is today.
In the past, for most couples, there was no choice in getting married. Marriage was a form of relationship between families, clans, politicians, but not a personal choice, and therefore not a personal responsibility. The spouses did not have to do anything about it — they had other tasks: joint work, procreation, observance of decency. Marriage was not supposed to be a source of inspiration, a form of self-realization, a stormy whirlwind of romantic surprises, that is, all that today is actively put on partners as a duty. Today, judging by the thousands of magazine headlines like “How to return passion to a relationship?”, “How to keep the interest of a partner?”, This problem is more relevant than ever. Perhaps this question needs to be reformulated before it can be answered.
Is a melancholy marriage a problem?
And this is a very important question, because understanding the problem can be its solution. What boredom do we fear in marriage? What do we want from relationships and why do we think that it is in them that we can get it? Does a melancholy marriage provoke a general dissatisfaction with life, or does it simply contradict our dream of endless passion? Is boredom experienced in a relationship as a feeling “from heaven to earth”: just yesterday your heart was beating from his every message, and today you don’t want to pick up the phone when he calls? Is boredom equal to dislike and disrespect for you, or does it provoke a feeling of your own uselessness and worthlessness?
Everyone will have a different answer to these questions, but based on my counseling experience, I would highlight a few points that are important to consider.
Inevitability. Our lives are made up of many acceptance tasks. We will never be younger. We get sick and can not always return the self-awareness that was before the disease. We are losing loved ones. Every year we have fewer prospects. It is the acceptance of this reality that gives us the strength to move on. In any case, when trying to solve the problem of a «melancholy marriage» for yourself, do not expect to return to the state of «as it was before.» You — those who were before — are no longer and will not be.
You can find what works for you today: learn a new level of dialogue, set aside time for romantic dates without routine, try to live separately or open up your marriage — but no matter what you choose, you can’t turn into those people you don’t know each other. who burned with the passion of the unknown. However, this does not mean that a calm seashore brings less happiness than a seething ocean.
Breakups spur desire, but as soon as the couple reunites, it becomes obvious: old problems have not gone away.
Hypercontrol. An attempt by one of the partners, through total control, to secure the marriage as much as possible often leads to the opposite result. The requirement to tell all secrets, the ban on communication with friends of the opposite sex and former partners, scandals over a nice conversation with a colleague, checking the history of search queries in a search engine and the desire to constantly be together can provoke a riot (much like diets provoke overeating), and if a riot is impossible then melancholy and emptiness.
And everything seems to be for the good of the relationship, and a lot of time together, and concentration on each other’s interests, and at the same time, incomprehensible longing and emptiness. Breaking control habits is very difficult, especially if there is childhood trauma and attachment violations, but if two people reunite their marriage terms in prison, then boredom will very soon become their taskmaster.
Overdose of sharp emotions. Sometimes couples decide to break up or move apart, but don’t throw around the words «divorce» and «breakup» unless you’ve given it serious thought. Divorce is the end when everything else has been tried. It’s not that you don’t have the right to think it over or blame yourself for thinking it. But, having begun the process of parting, it is important to clearly understand that all possibilities have been exhausted, otherwise it risks turning into an exhausting drama of endless breaks and returns. Because partings spur the desire for possession, but as soon as the couple is reunited, it becomes obvious: the old problems have not gone away. Such a rollercoaster is devastating, even if at first it seemed like it added spice.
Trust in ignorance. For many of us, trust equates to knowledge: it is easier for us to trust a partner we all know about. But what if trust is our belief that, under any circumstances, we can count on honesty and acceptance? Our feelings can change, and no one is able to hold not only the heart of another, but also his own. However, it is in our power to learn to be supportive of each other, even if we periodically hurt each other. Love and relationships are a storehouse of paradoxes, and that is why there are no simple tips and universal recipes.