Meg Ryan: “I changed my life. Fully”

Psychologies: You are beautiful, successful, rich. You are the guarantor of the box office of the films you star in. Is there anything going on in your life that doesn’t fit the image of a romantic movie heroine?

Meg Ryan: No more than episodic characters. Just something: I passed forty, I got divorced, ended a long and important period in my life. I needed to look at myself in a new way, partly from the outside, and reconsider everything, question everything.

And I was completely unrepentant about this. Changed everything. I took a “vacation at my own expense” for three years. Changed agent. manager. The ones who managed my finances. With the same intransigence, she looked at personal relationships. I won’t lie, it was scary. However, like any major change. But now, when the phone rings, I know for sure: I will not hear the voice of someone with whom I do not want to talk. And this, you see, is an invaluable luxury.

Vacation for three years? Isn’t it risky for an actress?

MR: But I had to go through far more dangerous things. Divorce is not always, thank God, a catastrophic event, but always of an exceptional scale. And I wanted to be with Jack, my son, he was only nine then. I wanted to devote all my life to him. Not in the sense of constantly being around and having frank conversations. I mean the presence in the life of another person, when he is sure that you are with him, that you will answer his questions, that you are connected not only by “living together”. Children should be able to take for granted that their parents are close.

Was divorce a defining event in your life?

MR: More precisely, in my understanding of myself, in self-determination. The changes were first internal. And by changing myself, I have already changed my life. Perhaps it was the notorious midlife crisis. But it seems to me that everything that is usually said about him is too superficial, as if the rear are talking about the war. And I’m sure: a midlife crisis is such a euphemism that the “rear” people call real life. And during this period, I experienced an incredible transformation – like a butterfly, you know? I recently visited the Butterfly Garden, which is something like an entomological zoo. So, there is a special space there, which is called the “development zone”. I loved this title so much! The guide explained that when the caterpillar enters the cocoon, it becomes nothing – a formless mass, a liquid. And when it leaves it, it is already a beautiful creature, a butterfly. That is, the caterpillar does not turn into a butterfly! The caterpillar ceases to exist, and the life of the butterfly begins! It was an amazing discovery for me! And a metaphor for what happened to me around forty. As if nature itself gave me an image so that I could understand myself. I visited the “development zone”. The person I was is gone. A new person has begun.

Lightly fluttering like a butterfly?

MR: Rather, someone who knows how to fly. I do not claim that now I am light as a butterfly. I have never been a particularly easy person. Contact, maybe friendly – yes, but not easy. I never built my life as a sex symbol, did not build it, as most women do. And did not burn, and did not make a career. I built my life as a neurotic. And I hope they stay: to feel deeply, to respond sincerely. I do not want to live, so to speak, under a contract, with predetermined rules. I want to live normally, that is, with worries, troubles, troubles, dangers. And meet them without fear.

But not everyone experiences a midlife crisis as a miraculous transformation. For some, this is a difficult time.

MR: Yes, I tell you that I experienced both. And horror, and liberation. I broke through the cocoon and it was a great feeling. But I know how difficult it is. It seems that you are inside a Dali painting. Everything here is displaced, disharmonious, unknowable. And you have to know. And ask yourself questions: about your values, plans, relationships. It seems that everything around you is rapidly moving and changing, and it is not known in what direction and for what reasons … And the most unpleasant thing is that you feel incredibly, hopelessly lonely, even if surrounded by wonderful people.

But is it not because it happens that we avoid talking about aging, about old age?

MR: In fact, age, old age are discussed. Because a new generation of women has already appeared who are not going to be silent, who do not intend to become “invisible over 40”. All the women around me are like that – they seem to have begun the best period of their lives. After all, our age compares so favorably with youth, when you keep trying to please others, you keep doubting yourself, and doubting yourself is a terrible, worthless waste of time! My acquaintances women accepted themselves as they are, appreciated their intellect, their experience, their intuition. Evaluated – and connected the elements together. And it turned out a harmonious, holistic design. Which no longer puts up with the imposed restrictions. These women are full-fledged, self-sufficient and at the same time generous – they are ready to share what they have, both internal and material. I repeat, I understand that growing up, and therefore aging, can be a painful process. But if you move, sooner or later you will find yourself on the other side. And there, on the other side of the fear of age, in general the usual fears – freely and beautifully. That’s where I am right now. And this seems to be the best time of my life. I am stronger, more optimistic and happier than ever.

Was your moment of release associated with anything in particular?

MR: Yes, I remember him clearly. It was in London, when our relationship with Russell (actor Russell Crowe. – Approx. ed.) Became, so to speak, in the public domain. Paparazzi in every crack. Tabloid covers, on which, of course, we … As if the fate of the universe depends on our novel! It was painful and… disgusting. And here’s a big hotel, I’m walking along its lobby, everything around freezes, falls silent, stares, looks away … I barely reach the elevator, I enter it, the doors close … and suddenly, instead of exhaling with relief, I go in with laughter! And I laugh at all the past, so understandable, ordinary in me – after all, like everyone else, I was afraid of staring, interest in my life, rejection, public condemnation.

But how did you manage to be on the “other side”? Overcome the feeling of loneliness, those fears?

MR: With the help of friends, of course. And because of Jack. I read a lot. I thought a lot. I went to a psychotherapist for a while. But I am suspicious of therapy that focuses you on the past, on the roots of your problems and anxieties rooted in it. I went to a therapist who from the very beginning said, “OK, now things are as they are. Now we will decide how to move forward from this point. For me, this kind of therapy is better – dynamic and practical. You just need to trust the shift that is happening in you, the shift of some deep layers of personality, alienation, peeling off the old in you. Although it was the worst thing for me to move forward and at the same time give up parts of myself. But such is this journey – it is not allowed to go with luggage.

Jack was your only child until recently. And you yourself grew up in a quite large family …

MR: I wanted to have more children. But I realized that “more” is not always a synonym for “better”. The family of my parents was very far from ideal. But in my opinion, a dysfunctional family in childhood is a very strong incentive to create your own prosperous one! My parents divorced when I was 16. Then we all broke up, each went his own way: mom decided to leave dad and start a career in show business, dad decided that it was important for him to maintain his lifestyle and contact with us children. And we were already preparing for another life … In general, we were never together again. Something that unites us has died. Mom helped me a lot when I decided to earn money as an actor. She became a casting assistant, and through her efforts I got the first role in advertising … But then we broke up again – when she categorically did not accept Dennis (Dennis Quaid – Ryan’s ex-husband. – Approx. ed.). All this pushed me to create my own family – from friends, so that the relationship would be like in a real family, strong, so that we would be devoted to each other … Look. We don’t talk to mom. But I am looking for the company of older women, and in these friendships there is always an element of the relationship between mother and daughter … And I have no complexes on this score. Gloria Steinem (an American public figure of a feminist orientation. – Note ed.) once said: it’s never too late to give yourself a happy childhood. I completely agree with her. Female friendship, I’ll tell you honestly, is more important to me than friendship with men. Maybe because women are naturally more patient. You can discuss with them what worries you for a long time, repeating the same thing many times, returning to the misunderstood. You can call and say: “Sorry, dear, I understand that I messed up like a broken record, but …”, and at the other end they won’t tell you what’s going on, they will call you back later …

Although you talk about your childhood as a difficult period, you were a very successful child: good grades, popularity with classmates … At the university, you were even elected “the most charming student.”

MR: I listen to you and am surprised … Yes … An adult woman, but you argue like an envious person from the last desk. Obviously, that was my survival strategy. It doesn’t mean that I was faking it. But I certainly survived like that – trying to please, trying to hide the problems behind this blonde seduction that I wanted to … well … cancel, or something. However, charm is a dangerous thing: you can end up pleasing everyone, because you begin to depend on how much you like. But there is another side to this: in fact, trying to please people means respecting them. Which is quite good.

Did Buddhism teach you to appreciate this kind of dialectic?

MR: I think life… But faith is important to me. I grew up in a Catholic family, but I always felt that Catholicism was not for me. I am by nature “the one who asks questions.” And in Catholicism there are too many answers for me, for all occasions. And death. This is suspicious… Because not every question has an answer at all… In general, at the age of 15 I read Siddhartha, and it changed everything for me. In addition, I have examples of personal spiritual experience and some meditations that are no longer in doubt. Of course, I do more yoga than literally Buddhist spiritual practice. But still, it makes you… well, a bit more of a witness. Naturally, I am a participant in life, but yoga and Buddhism communicate, it seems to me, a certain detachment, they do not allow judging and condemning every time.

Why did you decide to adopt a Chinese girl?

MR: In China, you know, birth control, children are … superfluous – the birth of even a second child in the family is not welcome. However, God forbid, you will think that I decided to make her happy with my presence in Daisy’s life! I just wanted to have more children. Also, in China, the adoption system is based on a lottery. I liked it very much. You name only the age of the child you want to adopt, well, sometimes the gender. And then the lottery. It’s like a real birth! You just get the child you get. You don’t go through that terrible selection process, which is humiliating for you and for the person you’re about to adopt into your family. But there is another charming moment: I got Daisy as a result of the lottery – so I won it! At the same time, I categorically disagree that Daisy got me by chance. There are no accidents. Especially since we are too good for each other. She is funny, accommodating, there is no anxiety in her. She is now two years old … And she is already what I would only like to become.

Private bussiness

• 1961 In Fairfax, Connecticut, a daughter, Margaret Mary Emily Ann, was born to Hyre, a math teacher and English teacher.
• 1978 Graduates from the prestigious Bethel Catholic School and enters the University of Connecticut as a journalism major.
• 1979 Transfers to New York University and gets his first role in a commercial for deodorant.
• 1981 The first notable role – in George Cukor’s film “The Rich and Famous”; takes her mother’s maiden name as her pseudonym.
• 1984 Drops out of university with a semester to go.
• 1986 “Top Gun” by Tony Scott.
• 1987 Acquaintance on the set of Steven Spielberg’s film “Inner Space” with her future husband, actor Dennis Quaid.
• 1989 When Harry Met Sally by Rob Reiner, the movie that made Ryan a star.
• 1991 Marries Dennis Quaid; The Doors by Oliver Stone.
• 1992 Birth of son Jack.
• 1993 Sleepless in Seattle by Nora Ephron.
• 1994 “When a man loves a woman” by Luis Mandoka; establishes his own production company (which released, in particular, the film “Wedding Planner” with Jennifer Lopez).
• 1995 “French Kiss” by Lawrence Kasdan.
• 1998 “City of Angels” by Brad Silberling, “You’ve Got Mail” by Nora Ephron.
• 2000 Romance with actor Russell Crowe; divorce from Dennis Quaid.
• 2001 “Kate and Leopold” by James Mangold.
• 2006 Adopts a one-year-old girl from China and names her Daisy True. “In the Land of Women” by John Kasdan.
• 2007 Romance with actor Matthew Perry; starred in the films “Women” by Diane English, “The Deal” by Stephen Miner and “My Mom’s New Lover” by George Gallo.