Mediation makes life easier

Part law, part psychology, part sociology and a bit of linguistics: this is the recipe for mediation. An independent third party, the mediator, creates a confidential and constructive atmosphere in the negotiations and ensures conditions for reaching a solution that does not infringe on either side. This is the difference between mediation and a trial, the results of which, in principle, cannot satisfy both plaintiffs and defendants.

“The court is almost always a point in a relationship, and mediation is an ellipsis,” explains mediator, lawyer and psychologist Tsisana Shamlikashvili. – Conflicting couples participate in the process voluntarily and make independent decisions that are not imposed by anyone. The third participant, the mediator, only helps the parties to hear each other and find a way out that will suit everyone. Important issues are resolved quickly and dynamically, and the financial and moral costs are much lower than in litigation.”

However, mediation is not necessarily an alternative to the court, it helps to find a solution in relatively mild cases. Its goal is to come to an acceptable option for everyone, whether in family matters (divorce, inheritance), relationships at work or in situations related to social or medical issues (conflict with a doctor). Surprisingly, people who communicated only by e-mail, thanks to the mediator, agree to a conversation and make important decisions for themselves.

Resources for Reconciliation

If desired, each person can find the strength and resources in himself to resolve the conflict. True, at the beginning of the mediation process it is hard to believe: the partners are opposed to each other, tense or aggressive, each of them has his own beliefs, goals, vision of the situation. And you have to be a great optimist to hope for a positive result… However, the art of mediation is precisely to help see and accept the point of view of another, and then to find a way out of the crisis through joint efforts. Often – unexpected and creative. “To begin with, each participant voices the goals that he sets for himself,” explains Tsisana Shamlikashvili. – Everyone speaks in turn, the mediator makes sure that the facts are not distorted and everyone is able to hear them. The mediator does not advise, judge or make any conclusions. His job is to remain neutral and open. At the same time, he does not try to extinguish the conflict, on the contrary, he gives the parties the opportunity, within reasonable limits, to show their emotions. The focus is always on the communication of the parties to the conflict, their attempts to see the cause of disputes and quarrels from a different angle, to realize their own needs and the needs of another, without which it is absolutely impossible to come to a constructive, not a compromise solution.

It is important to determine when the conflict began to arise, to find the knot of quarrels and disputes. The mediator asks questions, pays attention to non-verbal signals (posture, look, facial expression), tries not to miss the moment when tension goes away, at least partial understanding comes, convincing arguments appear. The situation changes when people feel that they are understood, that their pain is heard, fear and anxiety are accepted, and long-awaited words are spoken. At this point, communication is restored and the partners can move on.

In 2010, Lufthansa successfully used mediation to settle a dispute with a pilots’ union that was about to go on strike and could cause multi-million dollar damage to the company. “It is important for the participants to understand that standing on their own is not the main thing, it is much more effective to move towards the other in order to get out of the crisis faster and more successfully,” adds Tsisana Shamlikashvili. “Of course, in the process of mediation, the parties cannot always reach a solution, but if this happens, the agreement they signed is legally binding.”

48-year-old Sofya turned to a mediator to “get a good divorce”: “Probably for the first time I was able to speak freely about what worries me and not immediately receive criticism and condemnation in response … I saw that my husband (now ex) hears me, and this helped me in turn to hear him. And so, despite all the grievances and disagreements experienced, we managed to resolve all the difficult issues and agree on how to deal with children, property, and money. We just had to formalize the divorce.” “Mediation is much more successful in dealing with the tasks set by the conflicting parties, compared to traditional methods of resolving disputes,” comments Tsisana Shamlikashvili. – Every day helping to find a way out in the most difficult situations, we see that people are able to negotiate with each other, maintaining relationships for the future, taking care of the quality of life of their loved ones. Especially – children who suffer during conflicts and in a situation of divorce. In addition, the desire to better understand each other helps us get rid of the categorical attitude towards other people and ourselves.

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