Meaningful speech in examples and pictures

Happiness is when you are understood.

k / f «Let’s Live Until Monday»

The goal of any communication is to get a result. It doesn’t matter what the result is: get help, give advice, discuss an important topic, or pour out your heart. The main thing is that we need communication to achieve our desires and goals.

Meaningful speech is a tool for communicating with people, whether they are close people, colleagues, readers, or casual interlocutors. Meaningful speech helps to achieve the goal of communication faster and easier.

Using meaningful speech involves mastering several skills:

1. Hear what the interlocutor is saying. Understand the meaning of his words, understand what he wants to say and for what purpose.

The easiest way to learn this skill is to listen to people’s conversations without participating in them. At the same time, it is useful to note in a notebook the number of topics covered, the number of theses in each topic, the number of withdrawals into feelings. The term «thesis» can be understood in different ways, this will be discussed below.

2. Indicate intentions before starting a conversation.

The easiest way is to indicate your external intentions (“I want to ask”, “I want to tell”, “I want to consult”, etc.). A little more difficult — the intentions of the interlocutor. To do this, you need to hear the interlocutor, understand and help him formulate his intention. Aerobatics — a designation of one’s inner intentions («Why am I doing this/saying/feeling this now?»)

3. Do not talk about your feelings. More precisely, to be able to keep feelings to yourself when necessary.

To master this skill, you need to learn how to first see your feelings, name them, and then, at least to some extent, manage them.

4. Formulate theses for the interlocutor during the conversation.

Having got your hand in counting theses, and discovering that there are not theses in every topic touched upon, a natural desire arises to formulate the interlocutor’s theses right in the course of a conversation. For this, introductory turns are used “That is, you wanted to say that …”, “Did I understand correctly that …”, “So you want to do this …”, etc.

5. Build a conversation using the “amphora structure”: Eyeliner — thesis — justifications — conclusion — consequence.

When you have built-in skills to indicate intentions, formulate theses and hear the interlocutor, the amphora gradually takes on the desired shape. I no longer want to beat around the bush, if it is easier and faster to immediately indicate the essence of the conversation.

Now more about each of these skills.

Hear the interlocutor

To hear what the interlocutor says, you must first listen carefully to him. This is easy to learn with the verbatim repetition exercise.

If you listen carefully to the interlocutor, it will be quite easy for you to note the transition from one topic to another. After the conversation, fixing on paper the number of topics is a couple of trifles.

The table to write might be like this:

To determine the number of abstracts, you first need to understand what counts as a thesis.

If you use a strict definition of the thesis (“instruction on how to do / think / feel”), then when communicating with ordinary people, the number in the second column will range from 0 to 1.

It is better to take a broader understanding of the thesis:

To learn to hear the interlocutor, such an understanding of the thesis is quite enough.

The number of withdrawals into feelings is also not difficult to notice. To begin with, observe the manifestations of feelings in the interlocutor. If you are not the object of these feelings, then it will be easy enough to see them.

If the other person’s negative feelings are directed at you, you will need the Quiet Presence skill to observe these feelings and not react to them.

Note that when you start to follow the speech, the amount of feeling in the conversation decreases dramatically. This may not even please your loved ones, who are used to «playing feelings.» If you notice such a trend, determine for yourself the circle of people or topics with whom meaningful speech is needed. For example, colleagues or bosses, business or serious family topics. And leave upset girlfriends, enthusiastic children and a tired husband alone.

Filling in the topics/theses/feelings table will be much more effective if you compare your observations with the interlocutor’s observations. It’s great if it’s a UPP student or an experienced distance climber.

Notation of intent

The skill of indicating intentions can be trained separately from meaningful speech. But if you are training meaningful speech, you need to indicate intentions. Anyone who starts using all sorts of «I have a question», «I want to share», «I have an offer», in a business environment, with colleagues, superiors and subordinates, quickly notices the usefulness and effectiveness of these introductory phrases. The quality and speed of mutual understanding are increasing.

In a prosperous family, with close people, this effect is less noticeable. But there are other advantages of indicating intentions.

“I want to admire how you …” or “I want to say thank you” — if you don’t know how to give compliments, then such phrases are a good help.

“I want to support you …” — in an emotional situation, if it is difficult to find the right words.

It also makes sense to use the designation of intentions in the family in serious, difficult, conflict situations. For example:

• If you want to express your dissatisfaction with a loved one.
• If you want to discuss an important controversial topic.
• If there is a conflict and you want to get out of it.

In all these situations, the designation of intentions allows you to slow down the speed of your reaction to the words of the interlocutor, which means it gives you the opportunity to think about your remark, to lead the conversation in the right direction.

“I want to clarify, did you mean that you don’t allow me to meet with my girlfriends at all, or is this particular Friday that you don’t like?” — reduces the intensity of passions.

“I have a suggestion for you: will you come home at 10 instead of 11?” — a negative answer also has the right to be, this is a proposal, not a requirement.

“I want to make a claim,” she expressed, let off steam and calmed down, but nothing needs to be decided. If it is clear how to correct the situation, then the claim will be superfluous, you can immediately get down to business: «I want to offer such an option …»

With children, setting intentions is also helpful.

If you want to call a child to order, then immediately say what you expect from him, without throwing out your irritation with lectures and accusations. Children are much more willing to listen when they are addressed honestly and directly.

“I demand that you get dressed and collect the scattered things” instead of “Again you scattered everything, when will you get dressed?”

An important point: when a parent indicates his inner intentions in relation to the child (at least for himself, mentally), his state noticeably changes. The emotional intensity decreases, the parent calms down, begins to see the goal in front of him and think over the options for moving towards this goal.

In the example above, one could do otherwise. The parent sees scattered things and an undressed child. The parent asks himself the question “What do I want now?” — «I want the child to be dressed and we left the house on time.» Then, perhaps, the best option would be to take the child in an armful, dress him, and leave the cleaning of things for later.

If you want to teach children to see their emotions and consciously choose them, then you can play the game “I want” with them. The rules are simple: each sentence must begin with the words «I want.» At first, children need to explain a lot what options are: “I want to scold”, “I just want to tell”, “I want to complain”, “I want to complain”, “I want to brag”, “I want to know”, etc. Children quickly grasp the essence of the game.

It is interesting to observe how, in the midst of a quarrel between two brothers, a simple phrase “I want to be indignant” (prompted by my mother, of course) immediately reduces the intensity of passions and the conflict fades away by itself. A quarrel with the designation of intentions turns into a fun game — who else will come up with what designation. The attention of children switches from emotions to mental activity. There is no time for offense, here you need to think!

In addition, children develop vocabulary and begin to consciously choose their response.

— Mom, I’m tired, it’s hard for me to carry the package … (sadly)

“Do I understand correctly that you want to pee right now?”

– No (in a cheerful voice), I don’t whine! I just want to say that even though it’s hard for me, I carry it, because my mother needs help!

Keep feelings to yourself

It is one thing to see that there are feelings, and quite another to be able to keep them to yourself. How not to express what is torn out? The ability to cope with your feelings begins with the ability to designate a feeling, to name it. To do this, use the internal designation of intentions (i.e. mentally verbalize your feelings).

In the car: the husband asked his wife to look at the traffic jam map. The wife looked and said that the roads were free. After 5 minutes, the family still gets stuck in a traffic jam, and it turns out that the wife did not study the map carefully enough. The husband is upset and criticizes his wife. She feels unfairly offended, because. sincerely tried to do well.

If the wife starts talking about her offense, tension will increase. It is better if she first identifies her feelings to herself (mentally): “Yes, it hurts me that he criticizes me. This is very unpleasant. We need to think about what can be done so that next time he expresses his opinion in a different form. Then it will be easy for her to switch to a constructive one: how long this traffic jam will take, whether it is possible to find detour routes, what words to restore a joyful atmosphere in the car, etc.

If the feelings are strong, captivating not only the mind, but also the body, then the ability to designate feelings must be supplemented by the ability to separate physiology from the comprehension of feelings.

The son again came from school with unfinished lessons. Mom feels resentment and helplessness. This manifests itself as a burning sensation in the center of the chest, tension in the arms and legs.

A woman is waiting for the result of a medical analysis. Feels fear of discovering a serious illness. This manifests itself as nausea, a lump in the throat, a burning sensation in the chest, similar to heartburn, holding the breath, tension in the forehead and eye muscles.

Having tracked your condition, take actions to bring yourself back to normal: straighten your back, drink water, restore breathing, relax the muscles of the face (articulatory gymnastics), relieve tension in the limbs (using physical exercises or auto-training).

In a sense, it is easier to keep negative feelings to yourself, because everyone understands that they need to be limited. Another thing is positive feelings, such as a sense of humor — in which we usually do not limit ourselves. Meanwhile, a sense of humor, as well as resentment or anger, can destroy the meaning of speech and interfere with the achievement of the result.

Conversation between two boys:

— Let’s come home now, hang our clothes to dry, eat and quickly clean up the room so that in the evening mom will let us watch a cartoon.

— Let’s! Let’s go home, eat clothes… Ha-ha-ha! We eat pants, we eat sweaters, put things in order in the cartoon and mom will quickly allow us!

Similar conversations are often found in adults.

Jokes and jokes are used, for example, to relax after a working day. If your goal is to relieve tension, stress, then a sense of humor is one of the best helpers. If in this conversation you have the task of doing business, getting a result, then an uncontrollable sense of humor will interfere. Pay attention to positive feelings as well as negative ones, and keep them to yourself if they become redundant.

Should feelings be removed from a meaningful conversation altogether? Unlikely. Feelings can help to achieve a result, so sometimes it will be better to show emotions, even if they are not inside.

The children played pranks while their mother was resting — they cut the leaves from their favorite flower and the wool from soft toys, and then started a game of dousing with water. As a result, the apartment became like a battlefield. Mom, seeing this beauty, calmly, as in an ordinary situation, asks: «Now, let’s clean up.» Children will receive a dubious lesson — you can do whatever you want, this is the norm of life.

It would be better for the mother herself (keeping calm inside) to be indignant, angry, throw up her hands — this will be taken by the children for granted. And they will take the punishment for granted, because they themselves understand that they went too far.

Formulate theses for the interlocutor during the conversation

If you know how to listen to the interlocutor, then formulating his theses is a fascinating activity. «You mean that…?» It is important not to overdo it here. Your task is to help the interlocutor, and not to bring him to clean water.

Often, the interlocutor’s thesis can be formulated simply by repeating (paraphrasing) his last words. If your interlocutor is an ordinary person, then most likely, when formulating theses, you will use the expanded concept of the thesis (see above).

With practice in the formulation of the theses, you will find that people mean something completely different from what they say. Gradually, you will learn to see the hidden meaning behind the words of the interlocutor:

Grandmother came to visit her grandson. He excitedly talks about his successes. She praises him: “What a fine fellow you are! You play checkers and you go skiing! So I’ll take you with me to the village to live, we’ll clean the snow at the porch together, go to the store, and then I’ll send you to school — we have a very good school there … ”

What did grandma really want to say? She is probably very proud of her grandson, that she likes to be with him. Maybe she is bored and lonely living in the village, that she would like him to call her more often.

Unfortunately, the child understands grandmother’s words in the literal sense and either gets scared and clings to her mother, or seriously agrees, and then is offended that her grandmother left and did not take him.

To learn how to formulate not only other people’s theses, but also your own, theses-instructions, it is easiest to start with written speech. Check every article, every email for abstracts. Is it clear to the addressee what you expect from him, how he should act/think/feel?

It is important not to overdo it with the theses: remember that non-obvious theses need to be supported by arguments, examples, illustrations. If we are talking about an email, then most likely 1-2 abstracts in it will be enough.

If you have the opportunity to receive feedback on the quality of your theses from a more experienced mentor or just a person “in the know”, then be sure to use it!

Build a conversation with the «amphora structure»

If you have mastered the skills described above, then the conversation itself will be built in the form of an «amphora».

To reinforce this skill, make it a rule to plan ahead for difficult conversations ahead. For example like this:

Designation of intentions: “Darling, I would like to reconsider our arrangements for the family budget.”

Brief description of the situation: “I took into account our expenses for the last month. I saw that we spent NNN c.u. Of these, I spent YYY c.u. Given the current economic situation, I think I can save some money by planning our budget ahead of time.”

Main thesis: «Money for household expenses should be in a separate account.»

Rationale: “I will see the balance and be able to control/limit spending.”

Illustrations: “Now I buy things when I feel like it. If I had known that there were few funds left in the account, I would have refrained from some purchases or rescheduled them for another time.

Conclusion: “If you agree, then I will get a new bank card in my name, and you will transfer a certain amount of money to me every month for household expenses.”

First step: “I can apply for a card on Monday, and from January we will start operating under this scheme.”

Meaningful speech is a very useful skill for every person. Using this skill gives:

1. The ability to hear and understand the interlocutor, including hidden meanings.
2. Ability to speak clearly and understandably, to achieve the result of the conversation.
3. The ability to stick to the topic of conversation, to return the interlocutor back to the mainstream of the issue under discussion.

If these skills are important to you — try, practice, implement meaningful speech in your life. Use meaningful speech where needed, while leaving time for simple, heartfelt conversations as well.