He knows how to pamper us and console us … but he can literally kill us with a single wave of scissors. Relationships with the person who takes care of our hair are rarely neutral. Is it because it concerns something very personal to us?
“That time he just disfigured me, and I never said anything,” recalls 40-year-old Valeria. – I obediently sat in a chair, then paid for a haircut – and expensive! – with a wry smile she muttered “goodbye” and left, swallowing tears. And then I saw myself in the window, and I felt really bad … ”At home, they laughed good-naturedly at Valeria:“ Nothing, everything will grow back! “But I could not even imagine how I would come to work in this form. I had to say that I was sick. I know it’s stupid, but still…” Why didn’t she get indignant, but resignedly, like a frightened girl, carried off the execution? “I didn’t make up my mind. She must have been overwhelmed,” she tries to analyze.
“The point is rather not in surprise,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva, “but in the fact that in the event of an unsuccessful haircut, we tend to blame not the hairdresser, but ourselves. Why? Often it is difficult for us to explain to the master what kind of hairstyle we want: either we ourselves do not know this, or we do not own special terms. Therefore, we entrust the task of choosing to the hairdresser. And if the result is bad, we feel guilty for the miss.” And we continue to dream of a master who is able to guess our desires and understand us perfectly.
“He helps me see myself”
In recent years, the authority of the hairdresser has grown quite noticeably in our eyes. Thirty years ago, many parents cut their own children’s hair, wives – husbands, and this was quite common. Now everything has changed. The range of complex services is so wide that professional knowledge seems inaccessible to mere mortals.
“Some of us are shy in front of the hairdresser, feel their inadequacy,” continues Maria Andreeva. – This is understandable: it is not easy for us to do without him. For example, with a manicurist or a consultant in a store, we communicate rather on an equal footing – we ourselves are able to put our nails in order or choose clothes. With a hairdresser, the situation is different: we don’t know the haircut technique, we don’t always understand what hairstyle suits us.”
“In the salon, they “make us a head,” psychoanalyst Annie Anzieu develops the idea. – The way each of us sees his face, largely depends on how the hair is styled. By entrusting this work to the master, we allow him to construct our desired perception of ourselves. We give him the right to create the image that we see in the mirror and with which we feel more or less comfortable.
It is common for a woman sitting in a hairdresser’s chair to feel anxious, to feel vulnerable, the psychoanalyst explains: “Seeing yourself is not only a matter of appearance. It affects the attitude of each of us to our femininity, since it concerns the feeling of our own attractiveness, desirability, that is, the most personal, hidden in the very depths of our being.
“He understands me”
“It has always been difficult for me to cope with my hair,” admits 46-year-old Yulia. – But about seven years ago, while relaxing in a resort town in Italy, before leaving, I decided to go to some small salon – in order to return from vacation “fully armed.” The woman who cut my hair blew me away – I’ve never felt so light and beautiful! Since then, every summer I go to her “on a date” – despite the fact that getting far and inconvenient, and I want to go to other places!”
“A successful hairstyle gives a feeling of completeness of the image, order, harmony,” says Maria Andreeva. – What we see in the mirror should support us, cause inner approval and joy. a mistake and our self-image is threatened. That is why we are so persistently looking for “our” master.” That is, someone who can combine our appearance with our essence, our vision of ourselves. And when we find it, we don’t want to part with it. A hairdresser who understands us, as if belongs to us.
“The phrase “your master” implies a very personal, unique relationship, confirms Alexander Krasheninnikov, top stylist at Wella Professionals. “After all, the client trusts him not only with his body, but also with his own personality.” And speech, naturally, not about how to copy a certain ideal. The times when customers took out a photo from their pocket and asked for short hair, like Sharon Stone, or a rounded haircut a la Mireille Mathieu, are long gone. “People don’t want to look like anyone anymore,” says the stylist. – They rather want to get closer to themselves, to their true “I”.
“That was not me”
HOPE, TRUST, PLEASURE – UP TO THE FIRST CLICK OF THE SCISSORS, EVERYTHING USUALLY GOES WELL…
Sometimes the haircut goes wrong. And sometimes this happens because of the obvious mismatch between the tasks of the hairdresser and the client: “For example, the master makes a haircut that matches the structure of the hair, and does not care about anything else,” says Alexander Krasheninnikov. – Or a “star” hairdresser seeks to leave a mark on the client’s head, to apply a branded, recognizable technique. And “his” master is always distinguished by the fact that he takes into account all the details – from the type of hair, the shape of the head and the structure of the face to the mood, the degree of self-confidence of a person and even his intellectual predilections.
What are men afraid of?
Men have less passionate relationships with hairdressers. Their expectations, albeit serious, are still simpler (unlike women). They prefer their appearance to express strength, so they usually wear a short haircut, which, in their opinion, gives energy to the look. And vice versa: everything that bears even the slightest imprint of weakness, men are very worried. They are worried about gray hair, hair loss – visual signs of aging, which means they are harbingers of loss of strength, helplessness, loss of independence. Knowing this, a good hairdresser will be able to take on the role of a consultant, who, for example, will advise a course of firming treatments for the scalp and, by changing the haircut, will help you more easily accept natural changes.
And of course, we, the clients, first of all feel and appreciate the care of ourselves. 32-year-old Maria still cannot forget the hairstyle imposed on her in a fashion salon, similar to a punk mohawk: “I came out of there completely killed, with my head like a plucked chicken. It took me several months to recover. At work, I tried to sit in my corner, once again not catching the eye of my colleagues. And dating a friend became a real torture for me: in his eyes I read regret. The cheerful woman he once met seemed to have disappeared somewhere. That was not me”. According to Maria Andreeva, women are much more acute than men in experiencing the trauma caused by an unsuccessful haircut (see box on this page). “Hair serves as an adornment for a woman, and a hairstyle is not only decoration, but also a sign of her femininity, an aesthetic demonstration of her own “I”, a way to make the image of her body more beautiful.”
But if, speaking of a hairstyle, we are talking about the attitude towards ourselves, then do we really need an intermediary in this? “It is hardly worth hoping that someone else will be able to change us internally if we do not do it ourselves!” says the Gestalt therapist. And therefore, perhaps, we should not only completely entrust our appearance to another, but also take matters into our own hands from time to time. For example, experiment and learn how to do your own hair. Without delegating authority to anyone. In order not to be offended if the result does not meet our expectations …
* A. Anzieu “The Woman without quality. Psychoanalytic sketch of femininity” (Dunod, 2004).