The feeling of love is difficult to explain and hold – it is unpredictable and mobile, like ether. And it can fly in at the most unexpected moment, happily filling our life, or, on the contrary, smashing it to smithereens. Our heroines agreed to tell their story, although sometimes it is not easy for them to understand not only each other, but also themselves. The psychologist reflects on this difficult topic.
Olga: I gave birth to a daughter early, at the age of nineteen. She raised her alone and did not think about her personal life. Lisa was my main love and responsibility. It wasn’t until she was twenty-three that I suddenly fell in love. And I was surprised to feel how life can turn in a completely different direction.
My daughter never made me feel lonely. But with this man, for the first time, I found something that even a beloved child cannot give. I enjoyed our feelings and for a long time did not dare to introduce him to Lisa. I was afraid of her jealousy. And I could not imagine that this feeling awaits me. Just a completely different nature.
M. always knew that I had a student daughter. I showed him photos, he spoke of her as a beauty who is very similar to me. In general, he said what was flattering for every mother. And one day I decided – I invited him to a joint dinner. Did I feel something that evening? No, I was just happy that the two most beloved people got to know each other.
He was attentive to Lisa, joked around and made us all feel at ease. When he left, Lisa said that “M. – very much nothing. He never stayed overnight with us, but since then the three of us sometimes went out into the countryside on weekends. In the evenings, we ate dinner at our place or in the restaurant. I felt on top of bliss and, as it turned out, did not notice anything.
Gradually, however, something broke between M. and me. He wasn’t so eager to see me anymore. Wrote less. In his eyes at the meeting, I did not find the former joy. He said that he had either an urgent project or an urgent business trip. I made excuses for him. I told myself that our relationship inevitably goes through different stages – it is impossible to live in such tension of feelings continuously.
She packed her things and said she couldn’t stay with me. And – it’s hard for me to remember – I kicked her out
And then everything broke off, but in a way that I could not even imagine. One morning my daughter came up to me and said we needed to talk. My heart stopped – I decided something had happened to her. Without looking into my eyes, she said that she and M. fell in love with each other. Nobody planned anything, it just happened. I must understand. He chose her. She loves him and wants to be with him.
It seems that for the first time I understood what it means to lose ground under your feet. All my life I avoided relationships with men so as not to hurt my little girl, and now she hurt me. I couldn’t control myself. She screamed that they had an age difference of more than twenty years. She said a lot of offensive words, called a licentious whore. She regretted putting her life on her. Both sobbed.
She packed her things and said she couldn’t stay with me. And – it’s hard for me to remember – I kicked her out. She said not to come back anymore, I don’t have a daughter. And she left. And for me, everything inside and out stopped. I started calling him, I was just furious. But since then he has never returned my calls or messages.
I don’t remember how I lived the next couple of weeks – we didn’t communicate with my daughter. Then I could not stand it – I wrote to her first. She answered. I said that we should meet. I can’t lose her. She is the most precious thing I have.
I went to a psychologist, and it helped me somehow to hold out. We started dating our daughter. It was hard, but we were happy to see each other. She lived with him, and we avoided this topic. I just wanted to be with her. This went on for almost two months, and then she said she wanted to return. She asked me not to ask anything, she was not ready to talk about it.
All I know is that she didn’t want to be with him. And we don’t bring up the subject of what happened between them, nor what happened to us. I’m glad my girl is with me. However, this painful crack remains. I hate him for what he did to us.
Lisa: I don’t know if my mother will forgive me for what happened, but I couldn’t change anything. Then it seemed to me that he was my whole life.
I knew that my mother had someone, I was happy for her, but we did not discuss anything. That first evening, at the table, I could feel his gaze, and it worried me. When he left, I did not understand what was happening to me.
I already had some stories with young people, meetings, partings, but it didn’t affect me much. And, as it seemed to me, unlike my girlfriends, I am not so romantic. My mother and I lived a rather difficult life, and I was determined to study and have a career. I wanted to build a completely different life.
But since that meeting, I thought about M. constantly. The three of us began to meet more often, and it seemed to me that I felt his special attention. We exchanged phone numbers with him, and one day I suddenly received a message from him. He wrote about the association with the film that we discussed the day before. I answered him – also about the movie. We began to correspond. We had many common interests: cinema, literature. The fact that he was much older than me did not bother me – I was drawn to him. And when he offered to meet, she agreed. It all started from that evening.
Our parting was hard for me, but I couldn’t live like this anymore. In constant tears, guilt
Did I understand then that I was betraying my mother? I didn’t want to think about it. Yes, he started this conversation, wondered if she guessed, but it was too painful for me to discuss it. In the end, I realized that I simply could not live with this secret. I can’t return to my mother every evening, as if nothing had happened. M. said that I should tell her everything. We love each other and, therefore, we have the right to everything, because I am already an adult.
I confessed to her and went to him. These were happy and difficult weeks at the same time – I could not imagine that these feelings could be so mixed up. However, living together, as it turned out, is very different from secret meetings. We began to quarrel. He began to control me, I did not like it.
Our parting was hard for me, but I couldn’t live like this anymore. In constant tears, guilt. I told my mother that I wanted to go home, and he did not stop me. It’s been five months now. My mother and I avoid this topic, and the story with M. still does not let me go to the end, although I will not return to him. I’m glad I’m at home, but there’s tension between me and my mom. We both can’t talk about it.
“Everyone in this story gives vent to unlived feelings”
Marina Myaus, psychologist
From the story it is known that Olga raised Lisa alone and the girl lived without a father. The appearance of a man, mother’s lover, obviously completes something that was not lived in childhood. A person much older, by her own admission, suddenly attracts more peers. She acquires the figure of the Father and at the same time wins him back from her mother, both literally and symbolically, experiencing the unlived Electra Complex, which implies affection for a male father and jealousy for her mother.
It is no coincidence that this imaginary male image breaks up so quickly when the couple begins to live together – after all, this is only a fantasy about a father figure, an expression of inner experiences. In reality, such relationships are psychologically unbearable.
But for Olga, this person is just a phantom, a request from the unconscious, materialized in the figure of a partner whom she did not know and did not seek to know. Both women, both mother and daughter, attribute to the man features that he clearly does not have, and are fascinated by this.
Any relationship, starting, is built on projections – as a rule, we attribute to the partner what we lack. However, in the future, if we have enough maturity and honesty with ourselves, we are ready to meet with the real, and not fictional features of a person, gradually recognize him and accept or not accept.
Suppressed desire for love and personal life leads years later to self-deception and immersion in dangerous illusions
If we get used to the image that only our subconscious draws, life often breaks a beautiful fantasy. And although the cooling off of the partner is obvious long before the daughter tells the truth, Olga chooses not to face reality, but to continue to run away from it.
This immersion in the infantile phase of the relationship is understandable: it was as if she had been relieved of the constant responsibility for the child, which she alone had carried all these years, allowed her to feel herself in a new role. If the daughter receives a symbolic Father in these relationships, then the mother in many ways liberates the Inner Child. That sensual part of her, aimed at joy and pleasure, which all these years she so severely forbade herself.
If only one controlling, rational element of the Parent begins to dominate in us, then sooner or later the liberated Inner Child takes away all decision-making power, which can have a devastating effect on our lives. That is why the internal balance of all roles is so important.
In this case, the suppressed desire for love and personal life, years later, leads to self-deception and immersion in dangerous illusions. Although Olga and Liza are together, it is obvious that the story is not over for them, but they themselves cannot approach this topic. Olga has already consulted a psychologist once, and now both of them need the help of a professional, a third party, to sort out the complex and painful knots tied many years ago.