We are not always successful. But while modern society teaches us to overcome adversity like superheroes from the movies, we suggest doing it differently. Psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin on why it is sometimes useful to admit one’s own defeat.
Recently, a post appeared on the social network — a woman writes about her confusion, about unresolved issues, about sadness, and then asks a question: “I wonder which comment will give advice to score, start meditating, do business, yoga, volunteering, physical education and think about those who is really sick right now?”
Indeed, such comments appear most often. Positivism, which has grown out of the triumph of science and technology over the past two centuries, has given rise to the feeling that all problems can be solved if you know exactly how to do it. Often it is. But many suffer from situations where there is no way to reproduce the feelings of decision, superiority, overcoming and control.
Man has long been helpless. Dependent on nature, epidemics, sudden violence. Helplessness has been a common human condition for thousands of years. But in today’s culture, helplessness can turn into blame. As if each of us really has to overcome everything. If you cannot finish or start something, get married, get divorced, lose weight, «realize your dream» and the like, this is experienced as failure.
By allowing yourself not to cope, not to be in time, you can find a new look and, paradoxically, find yourself.
A person can perceive the goals set as part of this positive outlook, which in fact is not his own at all: it is mass culture that imposes on him the idea that everything can be overcome, and the image of a hero who overcomes any difficulties. This gives rise to intolerance towards oneself and loneliness in one’s imaginary or real helplessness.
Charges of helplessness become heavy accusations of a person to himself. There is an illusion that everyone copes and everyone can, except me. An illusion generated by ignorance of what is actually happening in the souls of people.
Maybe it will be easier for us if we recognize the irreversibility of the wounds inflicted by fate?
Meanwhile, even today, a huge number of people continue, one way or another, to die from the loss of significant people in their lives, violating the stereotypes of “correct mourning”. Loss of love, loss of a child, beloved job… Isn’t it time to admit that not always and not everyone can recover from losses, let alone recover quickly?
We admire those who “try again and again”, but can everyone consider themselves to be such? Maybe it will be easier for us if we recognize the irreversibility of the wounds inflicted by fate? So the wound from the Morgul dagger once forced Frodo, the hero of The Lord of the Rings, to leave his native world forever, despite the fact that he emerged victorious from all battles and adventures.
It seems to me that you can discover your individual path of joy without denying that there is something that cannot be returned: relationships, chances, youth. By allowing yourself to fail, not to be in time, you can find a new look and, paradoxically, find yourself. Oneself — without being burdened with the illusion that everything can be corrected and returned.