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But it’s still violence. What is emotional abuse and why we prefer to remain silent about it.
When writer Zaheera Kelly spoke about her experience of emotional abuse and encouraged other women to write about it with the hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou (“He may not hit you, but…”), she didn’t know what an avalanche of responses would follow. The topic hit a nerve. Very many women did not realize that they live, experiencing emotional abuse, which during this time has managed to take far from harmless forms. That for many years they live in fear, not telling anyone.
Yes, these are the two most important questions: why is it easier to write about this on the Internet than to tell relatives or close friends?
And the second question — why is it difficult to guess at all?
Emotional abuse manifests itself in many forms: from personal comments and insults at home, in front of children, to public humiliation, jealousy, a ban on doing and saying what you want. As a result, as one of the girls wrote, “you have to hide a part of yourself from him so that he feels comfortable.”
Here are some real confessions:
So maybe he doesn’t hit you, but…
“… But there are long weeks when you feel like a complete jerk for cutting your hair “without his permission”
Planet Thickness
«…But you have to ask his permission for everything and he treats you like his property.»
Keegan Kenzie
“…But he compares you to another woman, criticizes your body and constantly tells you that you are not doing enough for him.”
Of course.
«…But he says you should be glad he doesn’t.»
audrey honeydrone
«…But he makes you believe that you are not fit for someone else to ever want to be with you.»
Just Juanita
«…But he will call you 40 times if you don’t answer his call.»
manduhhh
“…But you have to hide a part of yourself to make him feel comfortable.”
tumblr gender
«… But he constantly tells you that you are nothing without him.»
Most Willie-Pepple
Why are we content with crumbs?
Why are all these girls — why do we think that we are nobody without a man?
Because so many of us think, “I’m unhappy living with this person, but I don’t think I can live without him. For some reason I can’t find the strength in myself to face loneliness. I need a person, any person, to soften the shock of facing loneliness. It doesn’t matter what the price is.»
A woman seeks to improve, to do «the right way», not noticing that she turns into an executor of someone else’s will
The trouble is that a woman considers herself responsible for the relationship and strives with all her might to “repair”, “fix”, not noticing that attacks and verbal insults gradually deprive her of confidence in her own worth. She strives to improve, to do «the right way», not noticing that she is turning into an executor of someone else’s will.
Many of us expect so much from other people and need other people so much that we are satisfied with too little. We become dependent on disadvantaged people. We become addicted to people we don’t particularly like, who we don’t even particularly like.
Sometimes we need people so much that we can be satisfied with almost anyone. Our need becomes so great that we are satisfied with the crumbs. Our expectations fall below the normal bar, below what we should be getting out of a relationship. And then we fall into a trap, a dead end.
Emotional abuse has a clear and recognizable development scheme:
– verbal attacks/ridicule/criticism,
— attempts by a woman to “soften”, appease, solve the matter amicably, her attempts to adapt and appease,
— the phase of peace and prosperity, his remorse, promises that he will not break down again.
They stay together, the man «works on himself», and then suddenly everything repeats. But every time there are more and more nitpicks. One simple truth to be understood is that you will never be good enough.
He considers himself in some way worse than you, lower, and seeks to equalize the score with humiliation and total control
The truth is that emotional abuse goes around in circles, only nagging is soon followed by demands and threats.
The reason is that their goal is not to “make relationships better”, as we naively think. Their goal is power and control, and the one who achieves this strives for them for one simple reason: because he considers himself somehow worse than you, lower, and seeks to equalize the score with humiliation and total control.
Emotional abuse is harder to identify, and it has another nasty side: if you experience it for a long time, it is very difficult for you to get out of this painful relationship.
By becoming a victim, you become attached to your — let’s call a spade a spade — executioner.
Here are some signs that you are experiencing emotional abuse:
Are you afraid not to please your partner, so as not to upset him?
Are you looking for an excuse for his behavior, blame yourself?
Are you forgetful, scared or unable to concentrate?
Have you lost interest or energy for what you used to do?
Have you lost confidence in yourself and are afraid that you can’t do it on your own?
Don’t expect the frog to turn into a prince!
Ultimately, as Melody Beatty writes in Save or Save? (Eksmo, 2015), we can discover a stunning truth: there are very few situations in life that can be corrected without taking care of ourselves and giving ourselves what we need.
Do not abuse forgiveness to justify wrongs against you. Don’t stay with those who put you down. “Did you hear about the woman who kissed the frog? She hoped that the frog would turn into a prince. But the frog did not change. But the woman herself turned into a frog!”