The Inner Critic can harm us and prevent us from achieving what we want. But it’s not enough to just stop beating yourself up. To move forward, you need the skill of self-support, which will inspire and give impetus to new achievements.
Most of us have been taught that modesty is a virtue. But is it possible to consider indiscretion the ability to cheer yourself up at the right moment, to help you believe in yourself, to comfort in case of failure and to praise in moments of success? It is unlikely that these are manifestations of egoism, rather wisdom and balance, which does not simultaneously deny the ability to sober and productive self-criticism.
Buddhists believe that loving others begins with healthy self-love. And indeed, if we can only scold and reproach ourselves, where will mercy come from in us for other people’s mistakes? “Growing” a voice of support within yourself is not a quick process and requires both vigilance to your state of mind and time.
Even if, out of habit, at first positive phrases seem to us insincere, not truly ours, it is still worth continuing to say them to ourselves. Listen to which options are more natural for us, accustom ourselves to the new sound of a “kind” critic.
It’s really hard work – but when the first results appear, we begin to notice changes in our mood and external circumstances.
Experience of the past
“A new skill is easier to develop if we can build on previous experience,” explains Elena Chernyaeva, a narrative practitioner and psychologist. – Therefore, it is useful to remember the moments of life when you received support and approval, and the person who accepted you and showed care. It could be someone from the past or someone you are currently talking to.
Try to restore the voice and words in your memory, relive the moments of communication with her or with him. Try to remember: what did this person do and say, thanks to which you received support and care? What did you feel while talking to him? How did acceptance and approval affect you? What was it like for you – that you could talk to this person like that? How did it affect your life?
If you re-experienced warm feelings and remembered the words that this person said, perhaps his phrases can support and inspire you in other difficult moments of life.
Self-support exercise
There is another way to find a supporting voice, Elena Chernyaeva adds. The Narrative Practitioner recommends an exercise from self-compassion author Christine Neff: How would you support a friend?
In those moments when, due to failure, a critical voice and negative thoughts about ourselves arise in the head, you can think about how we would cheer up a friend in a similar situation, what could we say to him. Then these phrases need to be addressed to yourself.
Please take a piece of paper and answer the following questions:
- Imagine that your close friend is going through difficulties or setbacks. What would you say to her or him in this situation, wanting to support? Please write down what you usually do and say, note the tone in which you usually talk to your friends.
- Now think about situations where you yourself are experiencing difficulties or failures. How do you usually react to yourself in such moments? Please write down what you do and say, note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
- Noticed the difference? If so, ask yourself why it is so huge. What factors or fears come into play that make you feel differently about yourself and others?
- What will change if you treat yourself the way you usually treat a close friend in need? Write down your guesses. Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Elena Chernyaeva adds: “Many people I met in counseling responded well to phrases from the practice of loving-kindness to yourself. You just need to repeat to yourself the words with the wishes of happiness:
- May I be safe.
- May I have peace of mind (peace, joy).
- May I have physical happiness (health, freedom from pain).
- May I live with ease!”
Our life choices and actions determine our way of thinking. None of us is recorded once and for all in the “losers”. By developing a habit in ourselves, we help the brain make new neural connections. This means that yesterday’s losses cannot block our ability to win tomorrow.
Therefore, it is so important not only to get rid of the habit of constantly judging yourself, but precisely to develop a new one to replace it. Learn to speak to yourself the words that will help you recognize merit, move forward, cope with difficulties and even surprise yourself, discovering new abilities and pushing the limits of the possible.