“Matrimonial Duty”: Why You Shouldn’t Force Yourself to Have Sex

The female body is a complex system that depends on various factors. And the desire of a woman may depend on the phases of the cycle, changing hormonal levels (for example, pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause, stress). And in general, at some point not wanting sex is completely normal for any person in principle.

It is very important to hear yourself – what it is “I do not want.” It is important to understand that we ourselves are responsible for our libido. If it sleeps, then it is important to figure out what is the reason. Perhaps it’s just fatigue, and then you need to take care of yourself and relax, restore strength and your energy level. But there are more complex, hidden reasons.

If there are healthy boundaries in a couple, then each partner has the right to refuse intimacy. And a simple “no mood” “I don’t feel like it now” is perceived by the other side without aggression and resentment. Problems begin when failures become systematic. That is, one of the spouses no longer wants the other.

What influences women’s desire?

• Problems in the couple’s relationship or individual psychological difficulties. Perhaps not everything is simple with your husband, resentment or anger has accumulated in the relationship, and therefore you don’t want intimacy. It often happens that problems in bed reflect unresolved conflicts in other areas – for example, financial.
• “Household”. It also happens that a spark, romance, completely leaves the space of a couple, and no one wants to take responsibility for refreshing the relationship and breathing energy into them.
• Lack of pleasure and satisfaction. Many women do not experience orgasms during intercourse, so sex may not be as interesting for them. In this case, it will be useful for a woman – alone and with a partner – to start exploring her sexuality, her body, and find what gives her pleasure. It is also important how the partner takes care of the pleasure of the woman, because if he thinks only of himself, the woman is unlikely to burn with desire.
• Complexes and false installations. Often the cause of “sleeping” sexuality is complexes (“something is wrong with my body, smell, taste”, and so on) or psychological blocks (“wanting sex is bad”, “sex is indecent”, “I’m not depraved woman” and others). They are usually instilled in us in childhood – by family or society, and are rarely criticized in adulthood. And then it is important to hear these other people’s voices in yourself and rethink such statements.
• Echoes of patriarchal traditions. “I’m not going to serve him at every call!”, “Here’s another! I don’t want to please him!” – sometimes you can hear such words from women. But everyone is sexy. What happens to her when an intimate relationship turns into a “service” for a woman?

  Obviously, the problem is in patriarchal remnants: before, the wife had to obey her husband – and in bed too. Today, this idea causes protest, which can go to the other extreme – the rejection of intimacy, which is supposedly needed only by a man.

  But in a healthy relationship, sexual contact brings partners together, and normally it should be pleasant for both. And if we are not talking about violence, then it makes sense to find out whether such an approach is relevant in our real relationships. Perhaps, by depriving our husband of sex, we deprive ourselves?

Pay off marital debt?

When a woman is at odds with her sexuality or has grown up with a prejudice against sex, she may treat it as a marital duty. If we don’t allow ourselves to say “no” and regularly force ourselves to be intimate, attraction to a partner can disappear altogether.

Why is it difficult for us to refuse a husband when there is no desire? And can we manifest it when it appears? It is very important to answer these questions and regain the right to refuse.

Attitude towards sex as a duty, intimacy through “I don’t want to” significantly worsens both the quality of sexual life and the emotional background of relationships. It is unpleasant for men to feel that a woman is forcing herself. It is much more pleasant for both when a woman has sex, wanting it. That is why it is so important to mutually respect the freedom of everyone to want and not want.