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It is another taboo of motherhood. The exhaustion of mothers or “maternal burn out” is nevertheless a reality. In a poignant book published in 2011, Stéphanie Allénou recounts her slow descent into hell after the birth of her twins. Like this young woman, there are now thousands of them losing ground with their baby, in guilt and indifference.
Exhausted mothers under pressure
There is no greater happiness than having children. But when you become a mother, you also have to face many difficulties for which you are generally unprepared. Over the months, the lack of sleep, soutien, the haunting repetition of Emergency, can quickly become unbearable. It was then that the discomfort settles down.
“We are talking aboutmaternal exhaustion when mothers have the feeling that there is no longer a break between them and the constraints of everyday life, observes Sylviane Giampino, psychologist and parenting specialist. Even if they invest in motherhood, they feel under pressure from morning until evening and no longer manage to recover. »For a long time taboo, the maternal exhaustion syndrome today comes out of the shadows thanks to the courageous testimonies of mothers. This insidious phenomenon affects both working women and housewives, and spares no social environment. In fact, women who combine destabilizing factors such as insecurity, isolation or family problems, are more vulnerableAll studies also show that the arrival of twins in a family causes psychological difficulties in the months and years after birth.
Despite the growing involvement of fathers, who can also be a victim of burnout, women continue to take on most of the domestic chores on their own. The imbalance is all the more pronounced when there are children in the family, and the last one is small, concludes an INED study published in 2009. The company also has its share of responsibility in the sinking mothers “We are presented with motherhood as a paradise in which women can only fulfill themselves,” notes Cécile Croquin, president of the Maman blues association. The discovery of reality is sometimes violent. Mothers do not dare to admit their ill-being and begin to feel guilty.
What are the symptoms of maternal burnout?
Psychologist Violaine Gueritault is the first to use the term ” Burn out To describe maternal exhaustion. “This concept had only been described and scientifically validated in the professional context,” she explains. I took these factors and found that they applied perfectly to the mother’s experience. As in work, the burn out maternel does not happen overnight, its progression is slow and devious. “This psychological state results from a accumulation of various stressors, characterized by moderate intensity and a chronic and repetitive appearance. “, Continues the specialist. The choppy nights, the cries of the children, the daily responsibilities are all constraints which are repeated tirelessly and in the long run cause the mother a psychological and physical exhaustion.
The phases of maternal burnout
Emotional exhaustion
The first phase corresponds to theemotional exhaustion. Each individual has a reservoir of physical and psychological energy. The daily responsibilities of the mother gradually use up all of her energy capital. There comes a time when she feels drained of her resources. She cracks, collapses … When you wake up, the simple idea of thinking about everything that awaits her during the day gives her the feeling of sinking from the start.
The distance settles down
“Little by little, I feel that, more and more, things are sliding over me. Some reflexes tend to disappear. I am sometimes indifferent to what can happen to my children. »This passage from Stéphanie Allénou’s book illustrates the second phase of burnout: emotional detachment from their children, others. To protect yourself and save the littleremaining energy, the mother sets up a defense mechanism. She continues to perform everyday tasks mechanically, but on the other hand completely gives up on emotional investment. Suddenly she feels distanced from her children, from her husband, from her daily life.
Denial
The last phase of burnout is probably the most worrying. The mother becomes aware of the gap which is widening between the idea she had of motherhood and the present reality as she perceives it. “All her dreams of being a super mom are collapsing,” emphasizes Violaine Guéritault. She feels in a situation of personal failure. ” Loss of trustworthy, withdrawal, tantrums recurring events that can lead to aggressive behavior towards children … it’s free fall. Resigned, the mothers then let resentment and bitterness set in.
How to get out of a maternal burnout?
THEmaternal exhaustion often comes up against the incomprehension of those around him. The companion finds himself helpless and does not know how to act to relieve the mother. “It’s very guilty for a man to see his wife weaken when she becomes a mother,” says Sylviane Giampino. However, very often no one perceives the distress signals that the mother sends. It is up to her alone to getting the head out of the water the moment she feels ready. The click? It often takes place when the mother becomes aware of the infernal cycle in which she is engaged. Another spanking, anger stronger than the others or simply an irrepressible desire to leave everything …
The first of treatments remain the dialogue. There are support structures, meeting places where you can talk and be listened to without being judged. The association les Pâtes aueurre in Nantes, the Green House in Paris created under the leadership of Françoise Dolto, welcome parents and children in difficulty. Some SMIs can also provide assistance to suffering mothers. Many support networks between mothers, like HubWin mothers, are also developing on the internet. While nothing can replace human touch, these tools can provide relief to mothers, at least temporarily. More broadly, the fact that women discover that their discomfort is recognized, that it has a name – maternal exhaustion-, and that other mothers experience this discomfort, is already a first victory.