Maternal burnout: a personal story and 10 steps to prevent it

Anna, 32 of the year

I have been a perfectionist for a long time. Preparing for pregnancy was thorough, starting with taking tests, many of which were not needed, and ending with buying the best things for the baby.

After the birth of my son, I signed him up with the best doctors, constantly looking for articles and monitoring websites on development, nutrition and education. I had a great desire to become an ideal mother and do everything right, do everything myself, because only I knew what was best. Husband was a great help and support. He was present at the birth and lived with me in the hospital for all 9 days.

At home, we had a schedule of nightly rises, and I had the opportunity to sleep on the weekend. Sometimes we left our son with his grandmother and spent time together.

It would seem that when there is so much help and support, it is a shame to get tired. But it is not in vain that they say that in the first year with a child it is hard physically, and then mentally. Especially when the desire to be the perfect mom becomes an obsession. When reading specialized literature, I focused on the sections about the child, losing sight of the texts about taking care of myself.

The son did not go to kindergarten until the last year before school. The first 3-4 years I was a mom 24/7, almost 90% of my time was spent as a mom. I often felt guilty, ashamed, constantly worried about the child. I tried very hard to do everything right, so as not to injure my son psychologically in any way. Therefore, she took any tears, difficulties, bad mood and abrasions at her own expense. I thought I did something wrong.

I felt annoyed and angry when something did not go according to plan, the inner perfectionist wanted to scream, but the ideal mother did not raise her voice to the child. If this happened, I would die of shame.

I felt guilty when I turned on cartoons for my child because I wanted to relax. When you wanted to hide in the bathroom to be alone. I didn’t get enough sleep because I spent half the night reading, looking for games and activities so that I could try them with my child the next day.

Public life took place mainly on social networks – I posted a photo of the child and wrote about his achievements – and on playgrounds with other mothers. In addition, I constantly bought toys, books, educational aids, some of which we did not even have time to use. At some point, I got tired of playing and working with a child, everything annoyed me. And that made me feel guilty again. Watching the ideal instagram feeds only intensified this feeling.

Unsolicited advice on raising a child, especially from strangers, only aroused the desire to “beat” the adviser. When my son was 3 years old, my mother-in-law died, and I gave all of myself to support and care for the family, forgetting about myself. I even managed to convince myself that everything is fine, that I have coped with the loss and that I am full of resources. Now, looking back, I understand that at that moment I lost contact with myself and my feelings. But the body spoke for itself: I began to get sick constantly and did not get out of bronchitis from October to April.

That was the first time I signed up for a seminar on parent-child relationships. True, not for himself, but for the child. It was there that the first discovery happened: if you recognize anger and the right to be angry with a child, recognize feelings and understand that this is normal, then anger ceases to destroy. From that moment began my journey to myself and to psychological well-being. Long and difficult.

I went to school and began to undergo personal psychotherapy. It was hard. The training included not only theory: it was based on regular practical trainings. Dealing with traumas, feelings, needs, coping with loss… Now I don’t want to be the perfect mom anymore. I’m good, but not perfect. I love my son madly, but at the same time I do not forget that I still have myself, my husband, my favorite work and hobbies. And my attitude towards myself becomes an example for my son. Now I am happy and satisfied with life and the warm and trusting relationships that have developed in the family.

Stages of maternal burnout

Mobilization stage. Mom enjoys motherhood, full of enthusiasm, plans and energy. If you do not rest, then at this stage, previously accumulated resources are spent. When a child is sick, the mother’s body gathers all the strength, supporting itself, in order to take care of the child and not get sick with him. And after recovery and experienced stress, my mother begins to get sick.

accumulation stage. More and more tired. Many tasks are solved automatically, the energy saving mode is turned on. Mom does the necessary things, but nothing more.

Breakdown stage. Fatigue is replaced by nervous exhaustion, feelings of irritation, anger, impotence appear. Daily activities seem like endless torture. I have no strength for anything and I want everyone to be left alone, but even this does not help. Physical symptoms appear – headaches, health problems, sleep and appetite.

stage of deformation. You cannot get out of this stage without the help of a specialist. Feelings are turned off, the meaning of life is lost, it is scary from your own thoughts. A mother may be abusive to a child and not even notice it.

10 steps to prevent burnout

1. Get enough sleep, eat right. Good sleep, nutrition, taking care of your body and health are extremely important. Take a nap with your child. Nothing terrible will happen if you do not clean the house once again or order food delivery. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Look at yourself through the eyes of a child. What does he like about you? It is hardly a matter of clean floors and exquisite dishes.
2. Ask for help. Often, mothers take full responsibility for the child. Ask for help from your husband, relatives, friends, support groups.
3. Find time for yourself. Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do? What can you do with your child? It is normal to have hobbies, a personal life separate from the child. Thanks to you, the child will have before his eyes an example of how to treat yourself.
4. Remember that you are not only a mother. If you fill life with different meanings, it will be easier for you to live through the various stages of growing up and the separation of the child.
5. Communicate. Walk, meet other mothers on sites, social networks, forums, support groups. Chat with old friends, with someone who shares your passions and hobbies, so that you can talk about more than just children.
6. Listen to yourself, to your feelings, to your body. What is happening to me right now? What do I feel, what do I want in connection with this, what do I need? What can I do for myself now? If not you, then who else can help?
7. Be mindful of personal boundaries. You don’t have to take parenting advice if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter if they are relatives, friends, or outsiders “sympathetic well-wishers.”
8. Relieve inner tension. Dance, sing, play sports, walk. If necessary, take pauses: breathe and count to yourself.
9. Don’t try to be the perfect momjust being good is enough. In pursuit of conformity to the image of the ideal mother, the focus is most often not on the child, but on the image of the ideal parent. Expectations collide with reality because neither mother nor child can meet these “norms”. Answer a few questions. Where did the portrait of the ideal parent come from and who sets these standards? Who is your main critic? What will be a good result of your parenthood and do you notice the process itself? What happens if you are not the perfect mom?
10. Contact a psychologist for advice. There are psychologists who work with young mothers and provide online consultations during the baby’s sleep. If you feel like you can’t do it on your own, it’s like therapy. Motherhood often reveals its own psychological trauma. In this case, it is necessary to understand yourself, in your attitudes, to rethink the parent-child relationship and your own experience.