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Most women resort to masturbation as a reliable way to get pleasure … but many are still ashamed to admit it. What is this — a woman’s secret, a secret, a taboo?
Very few women agreed to tell us how they get sexual pleasure in private. Some denied the fact itself: “I don’t need it, normal sex is enough for me!” Others flatly refused to talk about it: «It’s easier for me to tell how I make love to someone than how I caress myself.»
“Such secrecy means that the taboo persists,” says psychoanalyst Serge Tisseron. — True, today women no longer call this occupation “shameful”. They hide a painful sense of shame under impersonal expressions, holding back details or refusing to answer at all.
Roots of Prohibition
Male masturbation, although criticized, is considered acceptable as a last resort, with an irresistible need. To allow it for women would be to admit that they, too, have irresistible sexual impulses.
The fear of «failing» in relation to a woman seized with desire has shaped the entire sexual morality proclaimed by men
It is unbearable for them to think that women can satisfy themselves without them: since female masturbation usually ends with a clitoral orgasm, without vaginal penetration, men perceive this as an attack on the power of their penetrating phallus.
The dominance of the male point of view also explains why clitoral pleasure was previously described as immature or preceding vaginal penetration, and vibrators are almost always shaped like a penis, as if pleasure must necessarily be associated with a male member.
A direct path to orgasm
Today, passions have subsided, but doctors still consider masturbation to be a sign of a deficiency in «normal» forms of sexual life. Meanwhile, in women over 40, sex with a man leads to an orgasm only in 24% of cases, and with self-satisfaction, 56% of women experience an orgasm each time, says sexologist Jane Howard.
So, such a reliable way to reach the peak of pleasure can be recommended to all women? But it’s not, say authoritative medical sources: “In most cases, masturbation is normal and safe, but … it is a lonely narcissistic pleasure, a sad substitution for love between two.”
To many, it seems inconceivable that a full-fledged love affair and masturbation … can coexist. “Patients are embarrassed to talk about this topic,” confirms gynecologist Elena Egorova. “I’m married,” they say, considering masturbation to be the lot of singles and widows.
Men’s fantasies
Judging by the number of porn movies and sites that open with a scene of female masturbation, we have to admit that she occupies a privileged place in male erotic fantasies. However, the pictures on the screen do not correspond much to how it looks in reality.
“This is because male fear reveals itself here,” emphasizes family therapist Gerard Lele. “A man would like to appropriate female pleasure for himself, to be its only source, while intuitively guessing that this pleasure is unusually strong.”
“I know that women get great pleasure from masturbating, but I have never seen it myself,” says 47-year-old Ilya. “My friend refuses to do this in front of me.”
“The pinnacle of pleasure is when you completely surrender to your feelings,” explains Serge Tisseron. “To allow yourself to be seen at this moment is a sign of absolute trust. The myth of simultaneous orgasm as the highest triumph in sex does not allow «spying» on each other: each is too focused on himself to see the pleasure of the other.
date with yourself
To love another, you must first love yourself, otherwise the relationship runs the risk of turning into a search for evidence of its viability.
“There is a clear link between women’s lack of body awareness and their inability to experience orgasm,” explains Gerard Lele. — As a result, not being able to direct their partner, they passively expect everything from him … and they also consider him responsible for the fact that pleasure does not come in any way.
I advise them to calmly explore themselves alone, and then show their partner what they like. To relieve them of guilt, I explain that God (or nature) does not create anything for nothing. He wouldn’t create a clitoris if he didn’t want it to be used. I also explain that it would be good for them to study the whole body and not be limited to clitoral pleasure just because they did not dare to penetrate inside.
There are no shameful caresses
Masturbation brings quick, almost guaranteed pleasure, and more and more women understand this. According to the British company Korova Media, 92% of women say they regularly masturbate (in 1979 this was 74%, in 1953 — 62%).
Some do it before going to bed (and say that they sleep especially well after that), others arrange a romantic “date”: turn on their favorite music, flip through an erotic album, daydream … This is no stronger and no weaker, no better and no worse than making love with a partner . It’s different, and both options can coexist and be enjoyable.
Sometimes masturbation allows you to successfully survive difficult periods in a couple’s life.
Especially if the husband is older and sometimes it is difficult for him to comply with the wishes of his wife. Instead of being offended or demanding, a woman can caress herself. This allows you to return a good mood and does not harm anyone. However, those who told us about it added: “I’m telling you this, but I wouldn’t tell my friends about it …”
“To say ‘yes, I do it, but I don’t want to say exactly how’ is to defend (and rightly so) the intimate nature of this date with myself,” admits Serge Tisseron. “Stealth in this case is just a way to keep the secret.”