Masturbation: my child is practicing it, what do I do?

Infant masturbation: my child likes to caress himself, how to react?

Already a baby, Lorenzo loved to fiddle with his penis in his bath and during the change, as soon as he could get his hands on it, in fact! »,« Around 15 months, Amélie suddenly stiffened in her stroller. At the beginning, we were worried and then we understood that our choupinette was having fun. It reassured us! “Emma swings enthusiastically on the rocking horse she got for her 3rd birthday. I noticed that it is good by rubbing. I know this is normal but I admit that I am a little embarrassed and that I wondered where she could have learned that! »Fun, embarrassment, astonishment, questions … The first explicit manifestations of their children’s sexuality, and in particular self-stimulation, are of great concern to parents.

Sexuality: at what age do boys and girls start to touch each other?

Masturbation happens quite early in a child’s life, contrary to what one might think. Indeed, boys are starting to discover their genitals around the age of 8 months. As for girls, it is on average around 12 months. The practice of masturbation appears on average around 20 months of the child. 

Masturbation in young children: a subject still taboo

Even though society has evolved and the once negative and guilty talk about masturbation has become totally obsolete, something remains in the collective unconscious. This is what Béatrice Copper-Royer notes: “Parents are not very comfortable, and sometimes even embarrassed, because masturbation has been perceived as a perverse behavior, and prohibited for generations. Know how to react, find the right attitude and the right words to face the masturbation of their little one, it is complicated and sometimes even still taboo. They still believe that their children will glean information on their own or with their friends at school. “

Masturbation in children, a normal behavior in their development

To the question that all parents ask themselves “Is it normal for my child to masturbate?” The answer is yes, it is absolutely normal! As the shrink underlines: “The curiosity of children makes them discover by chance that the friction of their genitals brings them pleasure. Once they experience it pleasantly, they will seek out that sensation. It is part of the normal exploration behaviors of the body. The sexuality of children therefore begins with the natural discovery of bodily sensations. Practicing self-stimulation is used to experience pleasure, to relax, to better manage stress by making it easier to fall asleep. In short, what good things!

Once reassured about the normality of this behavior, comes the second logical question from parents: “How to best react when you notice that your child is caressing himself while watching his favorite cartoon in the middle of the living room? According to Béatrice Copper-Royer, it suffices to say with simplicity and naturalness that it is necessary to have notions of modesty: “You have every right to touch your penis or your flower (or the word you want) and to find how nice. Your body is yours. But it’s done in your room when you’re alone, not in front of everyone. ” Teaching your child what the notion of intimacy is is essential, it is not out of prudishness, but out of respect for himself and others. When a child masturbates, he extracts himself from the world, he is centered on him, it is a solitary activity which only concerns him, that he should not share with others. Use simple, clear words to refer to their genitals. Penis, penis, clitoris, zezette, little bird, vulva, zigounette, pussy, flower, the important thing is that he understands what you are talking to him about and that you yourself be comfortable with this terminology.

Sex: above all, we do not judge the child who masturbates!

Apart from this focus on the need to escape the gaze of others, add no value judgment. Don’t say it’s disgusting, or that it’s good, or that it’s funny, or that it’s good for your health! If you do admiring comments of these situations like: “What a temper, that promises for later!” », You encourage your child to proudly display his sex, and you risk creating in him an excitement, even a disorder linked to the fact of being watched in an« exhibitionist »situation.

Of course, threats such as “If you continue, you will be dealing with me” are totally to be banned because they create in the mind of the toddler the conviction that giving pleasure is wrong. Which is the exact opposite of the message you want to convey to your child!

Anxiety, guilt … Be careful if masturbation becomes excessive and compulsive

As we have seen, masturbatory behavior is a healthy and natural activity which does not present any danger for the child, except when she becomes compulsive. A 3- to 6-year-old child who caresses excessively is likely to be very anxious. If this invasive habit is not isolated and is accompanied by other signs of anxiety, for example if the child is withdrawn or very angry, it may be better to take him to see a pediatrician or a doctor. child psychiatrist. Excessive masturbation can also be the indicator that the child is not sufficiently stimulated intellectually, that he is bored and / or lacks affection and tenderness. If masturbation is compulsive and exhibitionist, that is to say that the child caresses himself a lot in public, although he has been told and repeated that this activity is practiced in private, or if he uses objects, dolls, soft toys explicitly sexual, it is then necessary to wonder about the possibility of sexual touching or of early exposure to pornographic images, and quickly consult the specialists of the PMI who know the procedure to follow in this kind of situation where the child may be in danger.