We are “covered” by fear, “overwhelmed” by anger and “overwhelmed” by joy. We are accustomed to talking about emotions as if they are subject to forces unknown to us. But the more we learn about them, the more we understand: they depend on our habits. And habits can be changed, says coach Albert Vilijoen.
The ability to understand your emotions and use their energy to your advantage is the dream of many. This skill sometimes provides career advancement and happiness in relationships more than formal education and the most sincere love. But what if by nature you are quick-tempered or, conversely, too closed a person?
The problem is that we attach too much importance to our reactions. We think they define who we are and what we are capable of. He was born a choleric – get used to paying for your temper. Prone to melancholy – a bright, eventful life filled with ups and downs is not for you. Fortunately, there is another way.
How much we are really able to control our emotions depends on our attitudes. The one who believes that his self-confidence is unshakable spends less energy on fighting fears and doubts. The same can be said about the mastery of emotions – if you believe that this skill can be improved, you really learn to manage them.
Professionalism in the possession of emotions requires “building muscle” and making them pliable
Of course, predisposition plays a big role. Thanks to genetics and life experience, some of us can pick up on other people’s states and quickly switch from one mood to another. They choose the appropriate professions: actors, TV presenters, salesmen and advertisers.
But the majority, to one degree or another, can also “read” others. Recall incidents from childhood. One look at the face of a father or mother was enough to understand whether you were facing punishment for a bad grade, or this time you would carry it. You could also elicit the emotional responses you wanted in them, such as making a pitiful face to make your parents believe that you failed a test because of the heavy workload and biased teachers.
It’s helpful to think of feelings as a kind of sport. Gymnastics, athletics, swimming – all these sports require control of your body, the ability to tense up at the right time, and then quickly relax. Professionalism in handling emotions requires the same: depending on your temperament, career and relationships, you need to “build up the muscles” and make them supple.
Fitness in the head
Articulation
Set a timer for one minute and write down as many emotion names as you can remember. Just don’t cheat!
How many words did you get? Most likely somewhere between 4 and 40. The more, the better you can articulate emotions. This skill is very useful for understanding how you feel, helps to behave correctly during a conflict or in negotiations.
But those whose emotional vocabulary is reduced easily break down and feel worse – because they cannot determine their condition.
Observation
Athletes dismantle the techniques of more experienced athletes, paying attention to every little thing. In the case of emotions, observation is also important – we cannot get into the head of another person and see all his feelings, but we can catch their traces on the face.
Turn on a movie or TV series you’ve never seen before, and focus not on the plot, not on the development of the characters, but only on the emotions you see. A drama with good acting and plenty of close-ups is perfect. Pay attention not only to the emotion that is shown to you, but also to what helped you count it. Yeah, that’s where she raised her eyebrow, that’s where he got a gleam in his eye. And this character smiles, but in a strange way … The more complex and richer the feelings, the greater your arsenal.
You can do this exercise on the street, with ordinary people – but be careful not to draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
An exercise
Spend a couple of minutes each day picturing your core emotions in front of a mirror. Do this until all emotions start to come out equally easily. Feel free to experiment. The more options your face “remembers”, the more accurately you will recognize your feelings.
Notice what emotions appear on your face in different situations. Pay attention to which emotion appears most often. What can it say? What do your typical emotions look like compared to other people’s emotions? Maybe when you are happy, you look a little guilty? When you get angry, do you have fear in your eyes?
Achieve precise control of emotions, as if you could see yourself from the side, at the same time getting to know yourself better.
About the Developer
Albert Vilijoen – coach, self-development consultant, author about personal development.