Masks worn by children of dependent parents

Modern doctors and psychologists have up to 200 types of addictions – among them there are both chemical and non-chemical, behavioral. This is not only about alcoholism or drug addiction, but also about gambling, workaholism and other “hobbies” that at first glance may seem innocent.

How to distinguish a real addiction? The addict begins to lose interest in things that were previously important to him. His whole life now revolves around use, and the rest of the areas are discarded as interfering with this process. Anyone who experiences this state draws his immediate environment into this dangerous scheme: partner, parents, friends. But the most important and most terrible thing is that mainly children suffer from the problems of adults.

family problem

Addiction is a family problem, because family members are included in destructive relationships with each other. Thus, a family where at least one of the parents suffers from addiction falls under the definition of dysfunctional. In such a family:

• They deny the existence of problems, because calling a spade a spade is scary and shameful.
• A vacuum of intimacy is combined with isolation: guests are rarely invited, while family members lack close and honest communication.
• Rules and roles are static, frozen, not subject to revision. Family messages – “Don’t talk”, “Don’t feel”, “Don’t trust”. Feelings are allowed to show only those who are in the “center” – the elders. Children understand that expressing emotions is not safe. Negative feelings accumulate and freeze. In such families, they do not know how to express and experience neither grief nor joy.
• Various forms of violence reign.
• The “I” of each family member is undifferentiated (“If dad is angry, everyone else is angry too”). The boundaries of personality are either blurred or tightly separated by a wall, and a person’s personality itself is inseparable from his behavior.
• Everyone hides the family’s shared secret, maintains a façade of pseudo-well-being.
• Households are prone to the polarity of feelings and judgments, they evaluate what is happening around according to the principle of “black or white”, “good or bad”, without distinguishing between halftones of feelings and relationships, they are very categorical in assessing themselves and others.
• Will and control are a priority.

Non-Childish Responsibility

We know that the main purpose of adults is to be a role model for children. Can parents fully perform their functions if at least one of them is addicted? If parents behave destructively: they do not take responsibility for their behavior and condition, manipulate others, are inconsistent in their actions, then they will pass on the appropriate role model to the next generation. Thus, it is necessary to educate not children, but first of all yourself. If the addict is treated, the quality of parenthood may not decline as much.

What happens if a parent does not decide on therapy, treatment or attending support groups? In this case, not only the partner, but also the children of the addict begin to suffer from codependence, and it is often much more pronounced than in adults.

The symptoms of addiction and codependence are the same, the only difference is that the codependent, as a rule, does not use the substance himself. Some experts consider this phenomenon to be a more serious problem than addiction.

Why? Because the codependent is convinced that he is doing a good deed, “saving” the addict. And it can be very difficult to refuse this role, because through such a “salvation” he solves his personal, selfish tasks. For example, he avoids confronting his own anxiety and fear, with his own needs. While he is busy with a “noble cause”, there is no time to pay attention to himself.

The rescuer realizes all these goals, of course, unconsciously. Nobody asks such a person for help: he breaks into the life of another, “doing good.” His actions are always associated with the violation of the personal boundaries of others.

Why do children take responsibility for adults? In the first years of life, the child is not able to build logical chains and understand the relationship between people. In addition, he is egocentric. It seems to children that the world revolves around them, and everything that happens around happens because of them. In the first years of life, they receive all the information about the world around them and about themselves from their parents, including non-verbal means.

A child growing up in a dysfunctional family learns not entirely adequate information about himself and the world. Such children are often anxious, they have problems with separation: even growing up, they stay with their parents or leave home too late. They do not trust the world and others, they feel that they are living “not their own” life.

Types of behavior of children in a dysfunctional family

Each element of the family system works to maintain its stability, homeostasis. Children are no exception. Stability is vital to them, and therefore, through their actions, even the smallest members of the family support it – in the form in which it is familiar to them. In this they are assisted by certain patterns of behavior that in one way or another contribute to this stability.

What “masks” do children from dysfunctional families try on, including those where parents suffer from addictions?

Hero does something “good”, performs feats to be loved. Achievement oriented, good results and should always be first. With his achievements, he often tries to stop the destruction taking place in the family, where he is the main pride.

The hero feels guilt, loneliness, fear, anxiety. He constantly tries to control the situation, his anger, temper, and feelings in general. Subsequently, it will be difficult for him to enjoy life. He depends on the opinions and assessments of others, he is always tense.

Jester He amuses everyone, tries to attract attention to himself and thus defuse the situation. Outwardly cheerful and carefree, inside he suffers from fear, anxiety, loneliness and self-doubt. In the future, he may become a superficial, infantile person, incapable of experiencing and empathizing. He seeks not to solve problems, but to ridicule.

Lost withdraws from others, withdraws into himself. He is not sociable, does not become attached to people, but can become attached to things or go into the virtual world. The role of the lost in the family is to be invisible and not create problems. Outwardly very calm and confident, inside he feels that he is useless. His companions are anger, pain, a sense of rejection, resentment. Such children, growing up, become closed, experience difficulties in communication, are not ambitious, do not strive for achievements.

Scapegoat – a real provocateur. His role is to shift the focus of attention from the addicted adult to himself. So he reduces the degree of stress in the family. He is noticed only when he “mows”, and he is needed only in these cases. This type of behavior is characterized by hostility, rebellion, disobedience, provocation. Inside, the child experiences guilt, pain, rejection and anger. There is a great risk that a child who chooses this “avatar” will grow into an adult prone to conflict and antisocial behavior.

It is worth remembering that whatever style of behavior a child in a family with addiction chooses for himself, he is at risk of developing chemical dependence and the risk of entering into destructive relationships.

Did the protection work?

When we think about how to protect a child from drugs, alcohol and other problems, fear for him sometimes overshadows the mind. And we do not notice that the methods of “protection” we have chosen are at least ineffective, and sometimes simply dangerous for the future of our loved ones.

Threats, control, lectures – all this breaks the contact between us and the child. By threatening, we teach children to be afraid of us, not drugs or alcohol. By controlling each step, we teach the child that we cannot be trusted, and not his own self-control.

Committing violence, we destroy the self-esteem of the child, show him that he does not mean anything, whoever is stronger is right. You can’t “knock out” bad habits from a person! Punishments give a temporary “positive” effect, for which we will pay in the long run with trust, respect, love and warmth. We lose all this in our relationship with our child.

To help a child, you need honesty, openness, willingness to work on yourself, open-mindedness, a lot of patience. And trust. In the beginning it will be scary, but in a different way – no way.

Don’t be silent!

What if we leave our addicted partner? Unfortunately, divorce by itself does not always solve the problem. If we do nothing about our condition and behavior, it is likely that our next partner will also be addicted.

In any case, the best way to make life easier for a child is to be direct and honest about what is going on. Of course, you need to make allowances for his age and take into account what children are able to understand and what not yet.

You can explain to the child that he is not responsible for the problems of adults. Parents should remember to be consistent in their words and actions and not make those promises that they are not ready to fulfill.

Genetics influence the predisposition to develop addiction. But this does not mean that the future of the child is a foregone conclusion! Also, forewarned is forearmed.

When there is a predisposition (and if one of the relatives suffers from this or that type of addiction, then it exists), these “basic settings” must be taken into account. In any case, remember: you are not powerless! We cannot change the genetic set, but we are able to change our behavior, take responsibility for our lives, stop looking for the guilty, and live a completely happy and fulfilling life. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge and act.

If necessary, you can always seek help from specialists – psychotherapists, psychologists, narcologists – or support groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or Alateen for teenagers). At the same time, it does not matter at all which of the family members will begin to change and solve the problem with addiction and destructive relationships. One element changes, the whole system changes.