A woman wants to see in her partner a self-confident, strong person, whose actions can be relied upon, and whose words can be trusted. Someone who is able to love and appreciate her. Will the man be like this? The answer to this question largely lies in his childhood, says psychotherapist Marina Myaus.
He grew up in a complete family
“The young man trusts me with all important decisions, he is very indecisive,” admits Daria. — On the one hand, we almost never have disputes — I do as I see fit. On the other hand, I would like to see a more courageous person next to me. I recently met his parents — the father, whom he is proud of, is a strong-willed man.
At the age of 2-3 years, the Oedipus complex wakes up in the boy — unconscious competition with his father for the attention and love of his mother.
“Such symbolic rivalry means that the father makes the child understand: this is not only your mother, but also my woman,” says Marina Myaus. You will grow up and you will have another. Confrontation with a parent of the same sex is necessary for a boy to realize himself as a man. If the father is too authoritarian, ignoring the feelings of the child, then the boy may identify with a weaker mother, completely submitting to his father’s authority.
Psychoanalytically, this is explained by the fear of castration as a symbolic deprivation of masculinity. This unconscious fear can be fixed for life — a person will be afraid of those who are associated with the father and seem to him more determined and stronger.
Another scenario is also possible, in which the father is present, but he does not have authority and the mother takes responsibility for the life of the family. In this case, the child is also deprived of the opportunity to harmoniously live an important period of the formation of masculinity, when he identifies himself with a strong father.
He grew up without a father
“My mother raised my husband,” says Maria. — He lived in an atmosphere of love and support that she gave him. This is a caring, kind woman, but her husband grew up as an indifferent person. He is cold with his mother, I feel more and more his indifference to everything, including our relationship.
“A boy who grew up in a family without a father can feel like a valuable prize,” explains the psychologist. “Especially if the mother was extremely protective and ready to forgive him a lot. Thus, the first woman in the boy’s life was given to him for free, because in the process of living through the Oedipus complex, he did not enter into symbolic competition with his father. Having matured, he did not learn to appreciate women, he began to perceive their love and care as something obligatory.
The mother has another way to make her son indifferent to all women except herself. If in childhood she makes the child understand that he is the meaning of her whole life, the boy grows up with a sense of personal responsibility for her. He is unable to separate from the parent and build his own life.
What is the golden mean? “The best situation for the formation of masculinity is the presence in childhood of a strong and loving father, with whom the Oedipus complex was passed in a supportive environment,” says the psychologist. “If there is no such parent, but in adolescence or youth a young man finds a role model of a self-confident man, he can “grow up” those qualities that were not instilled in him in childhood in communication with him.” With such identification, a healthy attitude towards a woman arises — a man is able to love her, respect her and build relationships that are dear to him.