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“We won’t formalize the relationship in six months, it’s all over between us,” lovers like to threaten their chosen ones. Sometimes tough phrases lead to a breakup, and sometimes they work. But do you really want to start your family life with this? We understand why people put forward categorical demands and how to explain to a partner what you want.
In 2017, Mark proposed to Eve, they were together for 7 years, recently cheated on her, and then left. But they did not stop talking, because next month they had a big trip planned. A few days before leaving, Mark, for no reason at all, raised the issue of the wedding and demanded: go down the aisle or stop communicating. She replied that she should think about it, especially given the problems in the relationship.
“It seemed to me that he pinned me to the wall. I started crying every time I was alone. He gave me two choices: marry him or break off the relationship, and we were friends, he was my best friend for 20 years.
They tried to mend their relationship for several months, but broke up as Mark became more and more controlling of her. Of course, the requirements “Marry or break up!” do not always look like an attempt to manipulate feelings. Some are unhappy that the relationship does not develop, and it seems to them that this is the only way out (it is not!). Some do not have communication skills and do not know how to explain what they want.
An ultimatum is an attempt to relieve oneself of responsibility for making a decision.
“They usually do not lead to anything good, but each situation is unique,” says psychologist Samantha Rodman.
Why do some make such demands about marriage?
Those who do this are often just trying to get their partner to pay attention to their needs. They want to formalize the relationship, but the partner cannot decide, he needs more time. But the unfortunate solution they find only creates new problems. “I think they understand that it is difficult for a partner to take such a step, and are ready to give him time to think. But they want him to respect their wishes and needs, so they set a deadline, ”says psychologist Ryan Howes.
The specialist believes that subconsciously they may have another reason. In fact, a person is trying to relieve himself of responsibility for making a decision, shifting it to a partner.
“They want the partner to decide whether to propose or not because they themselves have not sorted out their feelings about the relationship,” Howes says. In other words, it arises from insecurity and serves as a way to relieve oneself of responsibility.
“A confident person knows what he wants and is able to ask for it. This is a riskier option, it requires inner strength.”
“Do you want to get married/get married? Why not tell your partner about this and ask what he or she wants? If the partner refuses or says that he is not ready to decide now, you will have a choice: leave or stay, knowing that the offer may come in six months or never at all. Do you want to wait? Then wait, once you have made such a decision. Want to leave and find someone more determined? Go away. Trying to force a partner to make a decision for you, you show weakness and indecision, ”explains Howes.
Why ultimatums don’t work or don’t work well
“No one likes threats. However, if you are advocating and showing intentions, like wanting to get married before 30, share your feelings with your partner,” says Samantha Rodman. What if he refuses? “Be prepared to walk away,” Rodman says, “don’t bluff or use demands as a manipulation tactic.”
The ultimatum should not be a bluff or a threat.
According to Ryan Howes, if you think this is the only way out, this is a warning sign. Married life will require constant decision-making, discussion, debate, and compromise. This is not the last major decision to be made.
“If you use such techniques at the beginning of a relationship, what happens if there are disagreements over children, careers, finances, parenting methods, savings, wills, and so on? It may be better to first learn to listen and understand each other, and not start a relationship with a power struggle, ”says Howes.
There is a big difference between taking care of your needs and needs in a relationship and making demands. No one is suggesting giving up what is important to you, in this case, marriage. The question is how you will express these needs. “If you are ready to end the relationship if the partner does not agree to marriage, it will be honest to tell him about it. The ultimatum should not be a bluff or an empty threat,” says Samantha Rodman.
If the partner eventually makes an offer, he may have a hidden resentment. Nobody likes to be cornered. Some of Samantha Rodman’s clients told her that they did this and later regretted it.
Than it is possible to replace?
Start a conversation directly and openly. Explain your position: «I want to be engaged until I’m 33, I don’t want to have children until I’m married.» Ask your partner what he thinks. Listen to the answer and decide if you are ready to wait or if it is time to move on. “I think it will be enough to say:“ I want us to get married, and you? Ryan Howes says Once you know the answer, you can make a decision. Waiting for the other to decide your fate, you feel your own powerlessness.
It’s time to stop dreaming about a fabulous spontaneous proposal. Before you think about the engagement, you need to discuss in detail the prospects for a life together. If you or your partner still have doubts about the future of the relationship, contact a family psychologist who can help you understand and express feelings. “It’s always better when the proposal is a formal reason for celebration, and all aspects of the future are discussed by the future spouses in advance,” says Howes.
Source: Huffington Post