Is the merger of a wife with her husband an indispensable condition for family relations or an obsolete idea? How to get married: for love or for convenience? Systemic family psychotherapist Anna Varga talks about what lies at the heart of a truly strong marriage.
Marriages of convenience have always existed and exist now, because when creating a family, people solve various problems, including biological (to produce the most healthy offspring) and social (to increase their well-being and social status). And the idea of marriage only for love grew in the public mind for a long time.
It seems to me that not Romeo and Juliet, not Tristan and Isolde, and not even the novels of Jane Austen, but the books of Leo Tolstoy had a huge impact on Russian culture and our understanding of the “correct” marriage. He believed that the union of passion is immoral (remember the Kreutzer Sonata) and introduced the concept love as total compatibility, like-mindedness, devotion to each other.
But after all, his idea of marriage is exclusively masculine: the right wife serves her husband in the broadest sense of the word. And in our public consciousness, two beliefs have formed: first, conjugal love is fusion; secondly, the woman is responsible for love in marriage. Both beliefs, in my opinion, are erroneous – in the sense that, based on them, a happy union cannot be built.
In our time, when domestic service is almost not required, the concept of merging has changed. Now, in order to merge with her husband, a wife needs to focus on his expectations, catch thoughts and desires, be delicate, attentive, selfless – God forbid offend him. And if you yourself don’t understand what you did wrong, then there’s nothing to explain – you still won’t understand.
A woman who strives to merge in marriage loses her individuality.
A woman who strives to merge in marriage loses her individuality. The price of symbiosis with her husband is the loss of contact with her desires, feelings and tastes. The wife becomes a function. Then a vicious circle arises: the more she tries to merge with her husband, the more she loses herself, which means the less chance she has to arouse love for herself as a person and an object of desire.
Modern marriage can be an effective functional device if it enhances the capabilities of its members. If Together they can do more than alone. This applies to everything: the objective world, and the world of feelings, and career, and the birth of children, and gaining new experience.
The main thing is that the partners should preserve their individuality and be ready for cooperation, that is, they could develop relationships through agreement, through conflicts, and through confrontation, and through teamwork. To do this, the distance must be very dynamic – either we are close to each other, or we parted without prejudice to relations.
While one is building a career, the other picks up the house and children, and when the goal is achieved, the partners begin to spend more time together again – the roles are redistributed again. Merging does not allow this. Such an effective marriage today can be created … only for love, but what exactly this love includes – each couple understands in its own way. It is possible that the calculation too.
It is important that the future husband and wife have their own (albeit different) idea of a happy union and that they can discuss it, ponder it, try it, and find a compromise. Every marriage today is a co-creation.