For centuries, it was believed that a woman needed marriage more than a man. But is it so in our days, when there is no need to hunt the mammoth, protect the cave and keep the fire in the hearth?
One of the most common stereotypes about relationships that exist in society is the idea that women only dream of dragging a man down the aisle by hook or by crook, hanging around with rosy-cheeked peanuts and sitting on his neck until the end of their days. And for men, accordingly, all this “women’s rubbish” is completely unnecessary and unprofitable, they have other, more elevated interests, and therefore they, they say, are in no hurry to tie the knot and start a family.
From here come many language constructions that are painfully familiar to many — “she got hooked”, “married herself”, “took her away from the family”, “took her on her belly”, and so on. It seems that men are such proud lone wolves who do not need anything human, and that any relationship and marriage are the machinations of women who are only looking for someone to marry and make life easier for themselves in this way.
Marry to survive
This way of thinking, of course, has a completely rational explanation and historical roots. Not so long ago, a single woman had very little chance of surviving and raising children without the support of a man and without the status of a married woman.
It was women who were limited in their rights — in the right to work, equal pay for equal work, the right to own and freely dispose of property. The burden of reproductive labor has always fallen on women. Women have always been the most reviled by society for living outside of marriage. Therefore, for most women, marriage was the only way to survive in a world where they were given no choice.
But times have changed. Women gained the opportunity to get an education, work and manage their money, contraception and birth control appeared, the social system of most democratic states tightened up and began to provide parents with kindergartens (and, as a result, mothers with the opportunity to work), and the social atmosphere softened. Now a single mother, unmarried or divorced woman does not expect social rejection and censure, as well as death in poverty and shame.
However, we live in very interesting times. We women have achieved a lot — for example, all of the above and much more. However, our life still functions according to the principle “read here, don’t read here, but here they wrapped the fish.”
Now women have already got rid of many shackles and restrictions, but it would be foolish to think that patriarchal structures have disappeared from our lives completely and forever. They continue to live side by side with new, modern requirements.
Distribution of roles in the family
In the modern world, a woman already has to work, build a career and earn a living. And she is still obliged to bear almost complete responsibility for the house and children, emotionally and domestically serve her husband, adorn herself in order to meet countless standards of beauty, not grow old, not get fat, constantly develop, engage in interesting hobbies and always be pleasant. look, a good housewife, a cheerful companion, a liberated mistress, a successful worker, a responsible mother and daughter (do not forget about the responsibility for elderly parents — both ours and a partner, which almost always lies on women’s shoulders).
What should a man do? In some circles, there is still an opinion that a man should «provide» and «produce». The idea is also ancient and born in conditions very different from modern ones. In today’s society, few are able to earn enough to cover the expenses of a family of three or four.
Most of the “earners” have working wives. Who also spend two and a half times as much time a week on the “second shift” — cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, not to mention child care.
With a married man, we have low demand. I took the children to the playground for two hours at the weekend while my mother was cleaning up — the father of the year! Cooked dinner once — oh my chef! He cleaned up the mess after himself — an occasion to share joy and pride with a dozen friends! He doesn’t drink, doesn’t behave like a pig, and even earns something — yes, a monument should be erected to such a wonderful guy! He did not leave the family if a sick child was born or his wife fell ill — a holy, holy person.
Who lives well in marriage
And it is not at all surprising that many sociological studies prove that heterosexual marriage in its modern version is beneficial primarily to men. Married people have better health and live longer than widowers and bachelors, because in the family, the woman is often responsible for going to the doctor, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, possible treatment and care. She takes on all the emotional work — moral support, resolving family crises, regulating the emotional state of a partner.
At the same time, for women, traditional marriage is more likely to bear health risks and reduce the quality and life expectancy — mainly due to the additional workload, the “second shift” and the constant “second priority” of importance. After all, the health of a partner and children is a priori in the first place. In addition, women in long-term partnerships have other risks, such as the risk of contracting HIV and other STDs as a result of a partner’s infidelity.
Married men have more resources to build a career and achieve success than unmarried colleagues — and than their partners. Marriage takes a lot of tasks and responsibilities off the shoulders of men, releasing strength and energy for another.
For a woman, marriage and having children almost always means that career advancement will slow down or stop, since reproductive work is traditionally a «women’s business.» It is women who take the lion’s share of maternity leave and sick leave, it is «children» women who are most often discriminated against in the world of work, and it is women who often sacrifice their career development and self-realization in the name of their husband’s career.
In addition, men in traditional marriages, purely statistically, have much better sex than their partners.
For example, according to a large American study, in heterosexual men, on average, 95% of sexual intercourse ends in an orgasm, while in heterosexual women this figure is only 65%. And according to a study that polled newly married couples, 87% of husbands and 49% of wives spoke about regular orgasms. Orgasms are, of course, not an end in themselves and not the most important thing in sex, but the statistics are very eloquent.
And all this, of course, does not mean that marriage as such is a pure evil that we all need to get rid of as soon as possible. But the institution of marriage has long been in need of reform in the direction of more equal and partnership relations that take into account the interests and needs of women. Relationships in which a woman receives as much as she gives. Relationships, the main goal of which is the happiness and well-being of both partners, and not the vague “should”, “must” and “everyone lives like this”.