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“I’ve noticed that there are usually three stages in a marriage’s sex life: anywhere, on a schedule, and in the hallway.” Agree, such an unexpected statement, made by neuroscientist Billy Gordon, requires clarification. As well as clear instructions on what to do if this is indeed the case.
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In the first phase of a relationship, which usually lasts no longer than a year, sex happens anytime, anywhere. The second stage: spouses make love only in the bedroom and almost on schedule – this can go on for several years, especially if children have appeared in the family. And then comes the third phase, when the husband and wife intersect only in the corridor and send each other to hell. The problem of lack of sex in marriage is very common: for example, in the United States, about 20 million people live this way. What to do? To begin with, you should ask yourself a few questions and try to answer them as honestly as possible.
1. Why did we stop making love?
The majority answers that the reason is that the partner has grown fat, aged, has lost its attractiveness. Or external causes are called: children, work, stress, unemployment, depression, pornography, menopause, infidelity, sexual dysfunction. Some people manage to blame the authorities for the lack of sex.
Yet to say that relationships without sex are always bad would be as absurd as blaming the government for the problem. Some claim that there are always deeper reasons behind the lack of sex. Yes, problems and compromises are an integral part of any marriage!
Those who believe that relationships without physical intimacy are somehow bad and should be corrected immediately cannot separate intimacy and eroticism from reproductive function. This approach is typical for most people. But typical doesn’t mean good or right.
2. Is marriage without sex always bad?
If the lack of physical intimacy is making you or your spouse unhappy, then yes, it’s bad. And if not, then there is nothing wrong with that. Only you have the right to decide what is important and necessary for you in a relationship.
3. Can this be fixed?
The optimist in me wants to answer that everything can be fixed, but the scientist in me knows that this is not so. There are unsolvable problems and incurable diseases. However, most of the problems are still solvable, and you can adapt to the rest.
In the simplest case, it is enough to prescribe the necessary medications. A family therapist will help solve some problems, sexual experiments, including rather bold ones, will help someone. The main thing is not to be afraid to identify the problem and start solving it.
4. Does it need to be fixed?
We often overestimate the importance of sex. And yet it is worth remembering that if we are not trying to conceive children, then it is quite possible to live without sex, this is a scientific fact. If we can find happiness in something else, is it bad?
Sexual activity stimulates the reward system in the brain by producing “pleasure hormones.” This is a fairly ancient part of the brain that is not capable of reasoning. She perceives sex as procreation, even if in fact we are protected, practice same-sex intercourse or masturbation.
Therefore, it is worth remembering that sex in itself is not something sacred and it is not the only source of intimacy and joy. We give it such a meaning, and often this happens under the pressure of mass culture.