Marriage: how to influence each other

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If people are smart and love each other, everything turns out to be simple: one asked, the other did. Disagreements arise — close people agree. You can agree on almost everything, but not everyone is inclined to discuss, it is not always appropriate to openly discuss everything, and not everything is decided by discussion. For example, if you need to wean a person from a bad habit or accustom him to a good one, if you just need to draw attention to something, but distract from something, these are no longer questions of discussion, this is a matter of certain influences.

Is it possible, is it normal for close people to influence each other? Smart and loving — yes, you can and should. One way or another, close people always influence each other, the only question is how to do it more competently.

The «Crystallization» technique, which we have developed to resolve problems in a relationship between spouses, consists of the following steps. Suppose a husband wants to correct the behavior of his wife, who can suddenly burst into reproaches, resentment, solves many issues without consulting her husband, in fact pushing him away, that is, to correct those moments that weigh on him, do not like and simply offend. Then:

1. The husband behaves “as well as possible” for several days, and preferably for a week, showing himself to be a loving and caring person, avoiding criticism and showdowns even in cases where the wife runs into this. That is, no matter what the wife does, he tries to behave impeccably.
2. At the same time, he keeps a List, where he writes down all the situations in which his wife offended him, did not respect him, behaved incorrectly, and so on.
   
3. After the period of observation, when the emotions have already subsided and the look has become calmer, he analyzes the List and crosses out the controversial items from it. For example, these are situations where her problematic behavior could be provoked by clearly feeling unwell, fatigue or menstruation, when it could be the result of misunderstandings or worries about extraneous situations. Indeed, if a wife is worried about a serious illness of her father, she may at this time be somewhat absent-minded in relation to her husband, in which case her inattention to him should hardly be considered her problematic behavior.
4. In the remaining List, the husband chooses a «target»: the item that worries him the most (for example, as the most typical or dangerous) and at the same time perhaps easier to discuss and correct. Maybe it’s her tendency to discuss his behavior with outsiders, gu.e. to speak out about his mother or the habit of bringing up negative topics unnecessarily in a conversation. The main requirement is that this should be a point about which the husband has or can have a realistic correction plan.
   

In special cases, you can take not one, but two, and even in extreme cases, three points. But no more. Why? Because if you strain a person on many points at once, you will most likely run into only a protest and get nothing. And if you act in stages, gradually, starting with simple things, you will succeed.

Next next month is work only with the target. Our patient husband (or patient wife) postpones all other claims “for later”, when these issues are resolved. Not all at once. Moving carefully, step by step, you will be able to do a lot.

If nothing works out for you, there can be two reasons: either next to you is not your person at all, with whom relations are not promising, or (more often) you simply do not know how to influence competently. Many of the tips given by psychologists in absentia do not work simply because you specifically may not have the skills necessary to implement this advice, you do not have the necessary culture and level of personality development. Unfortunately… In summary: so that you can do more, we don’t get angry with psychologists and their advice, but we develop ourselves.

As for the actual techniques of influence, all influence options can be reduced to four: Negotiator, Silovik, Dushka and Tactician. The negotiator negotiates in a reasonable way, the Silovik pushes through his desire by force; Darling tries to arouse the desire that everything be kind; The tactician creates circumstances so that the desired result turns out as if by itself. Even more cunning are manipulative tactics, when all the same is done covertly, bypassing conscious control. How this can happen specifically, see the relevant articles …

The easiest way to influence is when there are two reasonable and psychologically literate people in the family, about this article It turns out that I whine and press, and my husband needs logic and How a man can raise an excellent wife from his beloved. The same topic is continued by the article Taming the Shrew, or How to Put a Husband at a Distance … But in the article Psychological Influence in order to correct the behavior of loved ones, the situation is analyzed, how to teach a husband with a difficult character to speak in a good way. The article Wife, I offer you a hand and heart gives examples of how you can agree on a reasonable influence on issues, how to teach your wife to have a normal rest, how to improve your sex life, how to get words of gratitude from your wife and much more.