Marital fidelity and adultery

In relation to the psychology of the family, fidelity is the most important and not always achievable condition for maintaining the stability of a monogamous marriage. Adultery in marriage, adultery — a violation of a public or tacit agreement on the exclusivity of intimate relationships.

In the history of the family, for at least several millennia, male fidelity, as a concept, was absent. Men, if life circumstances allowed them, allowed themselves to have several wives (there were certain obligations to them) and concubines without a number (there were no obligations to concubines). At the same time, female infidelity was seen simply as physical infidelity, namely a sexual relationship with another man. The fact of forcing a woman to have sex may or may not have been a mitigating circumstance.

From the end of the 19th — beginning of the 20th century, with the development of the movement for women’s rights, the requirements for a man regarding fidelity began to increase and become tougher. Men’s hobbies with other women became the reason for numerous showdowns, received the status of «treason» and became a common reason for divorce. In fact, marital fidelity is not synonymous with a happy marriage, just as flirting on the side is not necessarily a disaster.

For example, in one family, the husband is gentle and loving, everything is in order with sex, he takes care of the house, provides money, is passionate about children, but on business trips he allows himself flirting to varying degrees. In another family, the husband is impotent, lazy and boring, lying on the couch, demanding beer from his wife and lecturing her on fidelity, objecting to her meetings, even with friends, even with co-workers. Comparing two such men, many women are more likely to choose the first option.

A lot of controversy is caused by the practice of «double standards», when someone allows himself what forbids his partner. More often this is typical for men: “walking” is normal for him, but the same for his girlfriend is a crime. On the other hand, young girls often insist on the exclusivity of relationships in such a way that they stifle all others, including purely friendly relations of “their” men. It is hardly possible to talk about love here, in this case egoism manifests itself more.

In most ordinary families, issues of fidelity and freedom are rarely negotiated in a special way; it seems to some that “everything is clear” here, others understand that it is very difficult to agree on these issues. However, at least clarifying one’s views and one’s position is necessary: ​​for some, this issue is of the utmost importance and simply painful, but for some, all these topics are sufficiently indifferent, someone understands treason simply as “the presence of a key in the lock ”, for another betrayal is primarily a violation of the spiritual connection. In any case, it is useful to know what can strain a partner: someone will take care of the feelings of his soul mate, because he loves, and someone will behave more restrained, if only for reasons of prudence.

In civilized families, the issue of fidelity, like most others, is decided by mutual agreement between the spouses. People are different — you need to negotiate. If the couple agreed and both parties fulfill their obligations, most of the problems go away. How to talk about these topics? Accurate, careful and specific. This is where the Family Agreement Questionnaire can be of great help, where among the many questions you will be asked to answer questions about your vision of fidelity and betrayal.

Indeed, can a husband (at work, on vacation) be in close friendly relations with other women? Once in the absence of a wife to hug a non-wife by the waist? Kiss on the cheek?

Here the controversy is going on among young people up to nineteen years of age. After twenty, most agree that there are no problems here and all this is possible. But everything is specific, and if, for example, you see that this is annoying your wife, then you should behave more restrained.

And how much can you press a non-wife during the dance? For example, you have a party at your house and you are dancing with a friend’s wife. Is it possible only «at a pioneering distance»? If you have discussed with your spouse and know that she does not care, you are calm. What about your friend’s wife? Did she discuss this moment with her husband? If not, then it may turn out that he will be silent and fuming, and at home he will make a scandal to her. If they had discussed such a situation in advance, there would have been no scandal.

In some couples, the question of possible infidelity is raised and resolved very harshly. Sveta tells: “Pasha told me: “If I suddenly find out something, I’ll kill on the spot.” It suits me, I have always dreamed of such a husband. But I also warned him: if I find out about him and this is true, I will file for divorce without explanation and proceedings and he will not see the child. Pasha agreed. This couple is satisfied with such agreements, they have no misunderstandings on this issue.

Other families may have very different arrangements. Picture: in this married couple there is a very even and bright atmosphere, the son is four years old, while the views on fidelity in this couple are very unconventional. Above the bedroom door hangs a sign “Exchange of best practices”, and the position of the wife: “It is very important for me to feel not just a wife, but also a woman. I love it when men take care of me. I love flirting and I am grateful to my husband that he understands me. He has the same views, and I don’t mind at all when he has some new hobbies. It enriches his life…”

Experiments are experiments, and in more traditional families where people both love and care for each other, the issue of fidelity is treated more carefully. Yes, men are usually allowed more, women less, but self-respecting women usually set certain boundaries in this matter.

One of the possible formulations: “If you cheat on me, everything will depend on why this happened. If this happened because I was a bad wife to you, it was hard for you in the family and therefore you began to look for love elsewhere, this is understandable, and the fault is on me. But if I was a good wife to you, at least I did everything that depended on me, and despite this, you began to look for entertainment on the side: understand, I was brought up that way — I will not live with you. Children will always have a father, but I will not be your wife.” Men usually understand this position.

Marital fidelity in itself does not guarantee either the strength of the family or the joy of communication. The meaning of marital fidelity is different — when both sides cherish it, it is an indicator that everything is in order in people’s relationships, that people love each other. And the real concern for fidelity is not the control of the contacts of the spouse, but the concern for the high quality of the relationship, the constant desire to be needed and attractive.

It is not always easy for an energetic man to live always with only one woman. But if the wife is smart, and the husband is grateful, if they have excellent relationships in general and sexual life in particular, this is quite real and makes sense in our conditions. The marital fidelity of people who love each other is the subject of their pride and admiration of others.