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Marita Alonso: «For me, looking for a partner is like finding a job»
Couple
The journalist publishes the book “If you miss the beginning, start over” in which she explores how we feel when faced with a breakup
Marita Alonso is a journalist, screenwriter and writer, but if you ask her she will define herself as a specialist “in dealing with love misfortunes and helping to deal with them with laughter.” And it is that facing a breakup is an emotional challenge, which always becomes much lighter if we laugh along the way. From that idea was born “If you miss the beginning, start over” (Today’s Topics), a book with which Alonso explores the five phases of a break-up – denial, anger, promiscuity, depression and acceptance – and reminds us, between love tests like those we did in “La Super Pop” and they evoke adolescence, pop culture and, of course, a lot of sense of humor, that all (and all) of us have cried a lack of love, we have sent messages for hours – and in a state – indecent that we have regretted the next morning and fled a bar through the back door upon seeing our ex at the bar.
This manual, perfect to cope with the events that follow the moment when you feel that you have fallen into the less fortunate part of the decision – let’s leave the euphemisms behind, if they have left you without having much to say – will make you see that these terrible romantic misadventures don’t just happen to you. And as you immerse yourself in it, you will remember that friends are always there, that one nail does not always bring out another and that there are times when sad songs are not what we need.
The title of the book is “If you miss the beginning, start over” … Isn’t there just one great love in our life, are we always going to find someone?
They have always sold us that that there are two or three great loves in life and it is a very frustrating message, you can fall in love as many times as you want and the complicated thing is really to take the formula to start over. I understand that it is very lazy to meet someone again … but the message of the book is that from each break, which is a horrible moment, we are not going to fool ourselves, we always learn. Then logically the next one will be better.
So, we get something positive out of a breakup …
For example, you learn to detect not only the things that you do not tolerate from others, but from yourself, because you know yourself better. The same during the relationship you do not perceive the problems, but at the moment of the breakup, which is a quite introspective moment, as much as we have the typical days of going out with beer, we have many lagoons (laughs), it is a stage in which that you reflect on what has happened. I think the positive is that you learn how you are, you will know what you are looking for and above all what you are not looking for, that this is also very important for your next partner to better adapt to what you want. For me, looking for a partner is like finding a job, you have to go with a briefing and it has to be fulfilled, and if it is not fulfilled, just like you know that a job is going to make you bitter, you are looking for a partner who is not going to be the right one.
But even if we get good things, is it sometimes difficult not to crush ourselves with the thought of “what have we done wrong”, or “surely it is our fault”?
Actually, we already know that we are going to crush each other. So precisely what we have to do is surround ourselves with people, who I understand is a time when we want to be alone, but the best thing is to turn to friends and also rely on books. Not only this book, there are no books that can help you, whether they are about the breakup or not! There are studies that tell you that it is positive to read about the subject or listen to sad songs, but for example I am in favor of the opposite. When I’m sad about a breakup, I tend to listen to tacky music and dance because I don’t like to bask in pain either. For me, what we need to overcome heartbreak, death, illness or having your VAT increased is humor.
And what about crying we leave it for another time?
It is also true that many times they tell us that we should not cry and nothing happens to cry and accept the pain. And the same men, now that we are ending toxic masculinity, also the message is that they can cry and have a hard time. What happens is that obviously one thing is to spend a couple of afternoons having a bad time and another to be sunk. Look, I don’t like motivational messages in general, those of “Smile, today is going to be a great day”, because it probably won’t be because they just left you, but if you can laugh at least it will get better a little.
Before, when you broke up with someone, people disappeared from your life, but now with social networks, they are always there in a way …
Come on, we need a social media manual before the break (laughs). The truth is, I recommend blocking on the networks, it is a very good thing psychologically, because that way you do not have to see what your ex-partner is doing and also at times of low hours, even if you look for it, it will not appear. We all think we are very strong and we are not. I think that is the best moment to block your ex-partner and his friends, and later on they will be able to return to your life.
And what do we do if we meet our ex, not on Instagram, but on Tinder?
The serious thing is when it happens to you because a friend tells you that your boyfriend is on Tinder and he is not your ex-boyfriend yet (laughs). Obviously it is very easy to say, nothing happens and that the existence that is rebuilding its life does not have to make you bitter, because I understand that it is going to do it, but that happens the same as when you meet your ex in a bar and he is making out with someone … it’s a bit horrible but it is what it touches.
Does one nail really pull out another nail?
I think so, let’s see, it brings out the itch a bit, but it is true that there comes a time when you collect nails and you get tetanus. Trying to resolve a moment as hard as a breakup through sex works for a while, but it is not going to help you resolve what has happened or stop being sad. Trying to meet a partner immediately is not usually a good idea, because the key to starting a new relationship is usually having spent a period alone.
What would you say to someone who is afraid of being single?
The problem is that they have created a stigma towards being single. If you are a woman and you are over 30 years old, if you are single, people begin to raise their eyebrows and distrust. I actually think we should celebrate being single because it’s so much fun. And there are studies that say that singles spend more, I do not understand why they point to singles in a negative way when they are the ones who often move the world. Being single is one of the funniest things in the world, you don’t have to explain what you do to anyone, you can go on a trip without having to reconcile your schedules with your partner’s. You have to celebrate singleness, for me Valentine’s Day, if you have a partner and you celebrate it well, I have never done it, but it is also a date for singles to celebrate.