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María Jesús Álava Reyes: “We think we can’t control anxiety, but that’s a lie”
Psychology
The psychologist, writer, lecturer and teacher gives away in “Take advantage of your life” a collection of short reflections that cover all possible emotions and that help to decide, feel and act freely
If before this pandemic the reflections that the psychologist María Jesús Álava Reyes launched daily on Twitter managed to stir consciences and feelings, now at this crucial moment in our lives, “when we have everything turned upside down”, her words cling to the soul like mantras capable of “putting order” and serving as a beacon and guide to “try to make us say where we want to go”.
The author shares in her latest work, «Take advantage of your life», the reflections that most Interacciones and conversation generated in the last two years on his Twitter account, a social network in which he has already exceeded 40.400 followers. The selection of tweets covers all the spheres, concerns and emotions that one can imagine, from love to friendship, through selfishness, hatred or revenge, but during ABC Bienestar’s meeting with María Jesús Álava Reyes we wanted to focus on five emotions especially related to the times we are living: the emotional well anxiety, the fear, the present and the gratitude.
And so was our talk in which, as a game, we launched five of the tweets from her book that had most impacted us on the air and the author collected them analyzing them, breaking them down, deepening and revealing through her comments the essence of each of these reflections.
Emotional well-being
Most people believe that circumstances condition life and that, even if someone is a happy and optimistic person, if what they live is terrible, they will be condemned to a miserable life, to suffering, to self-pity or constant complaint. But this is not the case, because I have always insisted that many people are capable of bringing out the best that they have inside in the most difficult context and that the way in which they live that situation depends only on themselves. The circumstances are perfectly objective: they can sink you or, on the contrary, they can give you the best lesson of your life.
Faced with the most complicated thing in life, we must get the best that we carry inside, which is the positive attitude. A negative person will begin to complain and will not stop talking about the atrocity that is happening to him, a realist will be able to objectify and see the difficulties but will think that he can not do anything and someone with a positive attitude will try to overcome that difficulty and, if not get, will pick up a learning Of it.
In the worst circumstances you will always have someone by your side and that someone is you. That’s why I always say that we can be our best company and that everything depends on us. When a person says that they cannot do anything if they lose their job, if they separate from their partner, if they lose a loved one or if they have problems with their children, in reality what they can do is live that situation of the best possible way. What I say to each person who lives in difficult circumstances is not to let himself sink, that he has everything he needs to get ahead, that he is himself. Is it something you can do? Yes. Is it something simple? No, it is not. You will do it? Yes, if you believe in yourself.
Anxiety
People believe that anxiety It is something that arises, something that we have no control over, but that is mentira. What happens is that an internal or external event, real or imaginary, causes us to trigger physiological reactions in us because we think that in those circumstances the only thing we can feel is anxiety, but that is not true. It’s actually something that depends on how we tell ourselves internally what we are experiencing: you can live it as a challenge or with peace of mind. But what is clear is that you and only you are the one who triggers that way of living it and it is you who can decide to learn to control it.
Some people come to the consultation saying, for example, that they have a toxic boss and that they cannot control that situation. But it can be controlled. The first thing I tell them is that throughout their lives they will have one or two toxic bosses (on average) but that they will also have many more “climbing” companions and that what is really convenient is to learn to manage anxiety because reality is not going to change. And how is it done? In the first place, knowing that what triggers anxiety is not the fact but the thinking, what you think at the moment when something happens to you. Anxiety depends directly on your thoughts, which are the ones that trigger the autonomic nervous system and confuse it, making it believe that it is in a situation of emergency like fleeing from a crocodile or avoiding being hit in the street. When you are aware of it, you also realize that you can learn to control it, stopping that thought or transforming it.
Fear
Anyone with a modicum of sense has been afraid of what we are experiencing, whether or not they have had deaths or close illnesses nearby. They have been able to live in fear of the pandemic, the disease itself, the consequences or even the economic situation that is generating the crisis …
The problem is that the fear blocks the central nervous system, our most rational part, and makes us act from the momentum. For this reason, when you are afraid, the alternatives you choose are usually the least appropriate. And this is the reason why I warn with a “watch out!”, Because someone with fear is emotionally vulnerable and also very manipulable.
Generating fear is simple and manipulating through fear is even easier. The manipulators they know how to perfectly capture both people who are afraid and those who are easy to “scare” to achieve certain objectives. That is why another of the issues I indicate is that, when faced with fear, it is important to develop our own control with “more reflection” and “less action.” We must avoid the “urge to do something” until we regain control over ourselves and control impulses or drastic decisions, because fear makes us lose all objectivity and rationality.
The present
There are many people who spend their lives thinking about what happened a long time ago or what may come and that makes them miss the possibility of living in the present. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to feel that we have wasted or sacrificed the present thinking about a dreamed or imagined future.
Many people live by what happened to them and thus become prisoners of events that can no longer be rewritten in any other way, no matter how many twists and turns. Others live thinking about the future they hope for. But now with him coronavirus we have realized more than ever that life can change from one day to the next and that nothing is guaranteed: not time, not your situation, not emotions, not money, not love, not health … That’s why , or do you learn to Live the present or you will spend the rest of your life regretting not having done it. The present is called present because it is a gift. Take it as such.
Gratitude
La gratitude It is one of the most powerful and noble emotions of the human being. The person who is capable of feeling gratitude for life is able to establish the foundations of a generous behavior with others and a certain predisposition to happiness. The opposite of gratitude is the ingratitude that implies being permanently angry and resentful with the world, looking for the negative side of life.
When I ask who you have given the Thank you Today I do it because I am convinced that that day someone deserves your thanks because they have taught you something. And the same is true with kind words. Sometimes we are in such an “automatic” mode that we do not value things and think that they are done just because we forget the importance of a word, a gesture or a friendly wink.
And looking at someone with tenderness, does it cost so much? it is very expensive? Give the thanks, say something nice and look with tenderness They are actions that cost nothing, they only involve starting your sensitivity. And the best thing is that those feelings of gratitude, affected y sensitivity they go together because it is difficult for a person to be grateful if they are not sensitive and it is difficult for them to be sensitive if they do not live affectivity.
And I also end by saying that we cannot forget to “give each other a hug” before going to bed. And this is something important, because there are many people who, although they are grateful towards life and towards others, are not grateful towards themselves and that is a mistake. The person who does not know love each other wellHe does not know how to forgive himself, he does not know how to pamper himself, he does not know how to take care of himself, or hug himself … he will not know how to give the best of himself to others. But it happens that some people do not do it because of a kind of “modesty” or because they think that it may be a narcissistic attitude, but that has nothing to do with narcissism. You can’t live without saying nice things to yourself, hugging yourself, pampering yourself, or smiling. To know how to do it we just have to look at the children. They love each other, they look at each other with tenderness, they cheer each other when they do something well … But it is something that we lose when we grow up, somehow we “unlearn” it, and it is a shame because that of “loving each other” is vital, it is something that we should not never forget.