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Confident acceptance or semi-interrogative agreement, doubt and readiness to immediately take a step back … There are many hidden meanings in a short word. What are they?
What is «yes»
“Yes” to everything that life presents and that we cannot change. Wisdom or the inevitability of acceptance — if the forces are unequal, if self-interest is not very significant, or if the relationship is of high value. «Yes» to reality, here and now, according to the Buddhist tradition of Zen.
«Yes» to everything unexpected, unknown, unplanned. Curiosity, abandoning the routine, youthful enthusiasm, spontaneity, the excitement of overcoming difficulties … When achieving a goal is worth the risk. This «yes» means openness to all the challenges of life.
Yes, I take responsibility, insist and subscribe. This is a statement of a strong, self-confident person or one who wants to appear so. This is when there is a need to control everything in order to feel needed and not lose status. It is also the «yes» of the taker («I know what I’m doing, I’m aware of the consequences»). It happens that such a “yes” is abused by people who made a mistake, but do not admit it, in order to give themselves weight.
Yes it’s true. With this statement, we recognize the strength of the interlocutor’s arguments, and at the same time our own delusions. And such a “yes” gives you the opportunity to accept your mistakes as experience in order to move on.
Yes, if you like. From fatigue, indifference or softness, you can concede victory. Let him decide, choose, act as he wants. It doesn’t concern us. Sometimes it pays to stop to collect your thoughts.
«Yes» for reasons of hierarchy, fear, benefit. We agree to be satisfied with us, to please others, for the sake of a short peace, a respite, a place in the team, or to lull the opponent’s vigilance, while preparing something completely different from what we pretended to agree to.
Yes, because it suits my desires. It is the sincere and reliable consent of someone who stays in touch with their needs, takes care of themselves, and can otherwise say “no” just as firmly and confidently.
Why do we say «no» even when we want to say «yes»
If we say “no” in order to experience the separateness of our “I”, does this mean that the inability to say “yes” is a sign of a bright personality? Not at all! Rather, it is a way to stifle emotions.
1. Because we prefer uncertainty
Freud called this negation. For example, you dream that a woman who looks like a mother leaves you on the road. You recount this dream and say, «Of course it wasn’t Mom.» It is a way to emotionally distance yourself from something that is too exciting or scary.
By not saying yes, we save ourselves from a reality that could shake our inner balance. This is a way to remain in uncertainty and a sign that the topic is meaningful to us. It’s not easy to take a clear stand when the bet is you. Not saying yes is not making a commitment.
2. Because we want to stay in the shadows
«Yes» puts us in a vulnerable position, because by saying «yes» we declare our desire. In a sexual relationship, «yes» can lead a partner to think that he has complete carte blanche, although this is not the case. In this realm, «yes» is always free and not definitive. We are afraid that the partner will not accept it.
When we say yes, it seems like we are putting ourselves on display for all to see. To say yes is to expose yourself, to run the risk of being rejected, humiliated, misunderstood.
Refusing to get promoted, for example, will allow you to maintain your usual way of life, get away from obstacles, and most importantly, from the terrible truth that we knew, but which will become apparent to others: “I can’t do it.”
Now raise your hand, those who have never been a victim of impostor syndrome …
3. Because we lack courage
For confident decision-making, we need knowledge and the ability to put them into practice. You also need to be able to convince others of the correctness of your choice and control the manifestations of fear that accompanies decision making. In other words, we must manage the triad that consists of: mental abilities (knowledge), behavior (our actions) and emotions.
Fear is always there, and it is useful to us, but if it prevents effective action, it is necessary to transform it. Courage is nothing but conquered fear. Someone who is bold and courageous in making a decision can be pointed with the finger and accused of standing out from the crowd.
Courage means that we decide on something, stand up for ourselves. It encourages us to voice our opinion, which is not to everyone’s liking, because the cost of inaction is too high, and at that moment we finally decide to say yes.