For various reasons, parents sometimes use «forbidden tricks» that seem harmless, but can seriously affect the formation of the child’s personality. Psychologist Daniel Flint describes three typical manipulative tactics, their possible causes and consequences.
Parents make choices day after day that affect a child’s life. Passive parents allow children to make their own decisions, thereby showing indifference. Overly controlling people try to organize the lives of children in their own way.
To a certain extent, both passivity and control can be beneficial for child development. There is a time for everything: for example, parents expect a teenager to be responsible for their own hygiene issues, but do not expect the baby to remember to brush their teeth. Unfortunately, realizing that the degree of control over the child decreases as he grows up, some parents, in an attempt to restore the former influence, may use emotional manipulation.
A manipulative parent can choose from a variety of tools to influence their child. Behavioral and parenting consultant Daniel Flint cites a recently published study that highlights three of the most common techniques.
1. Personal attacks
Manipulative parents try to establish psychological control over their children by lowering their self-esteem. For this they:
- blame the child for the problems of adults,
- do not let him forget about past mistakes,
- declare that he is not a good enough member of the family,
- reproach for what they did and what they sacrificed for him,
- trying to blame him for their feelings.
As an example, Flint suggests considering the following situation: a teenager returns home after the agreed time. The parent greets him with a tirade: “How could you do this to me? Do you know how much I worry, and still came back so late?! It makes me so angry — you just drive me crazy!
This type of manipulation sends a meta-message that emotions can be used as a means of pressure.
At first glance, this reaction does not seem unreasonable at all: parents quite rightly fear for the safety of a teenager. But this adult, perhaps unconsciously, had a psychological influence on the child, blaming him for his emotions. The problem, according to Daniel Flint, is that the parent uses his feelings (to which he has every right) in an attempt to establish psychological control over the child.
This type of manipulation sends a meta-message that in a family confrontation, emotions can be used as an argument or means of pressure. Do not be surprised when a child, having learned a lesson, uses the same trick in the next quarrel: “I could not help it, you made me angry. Of course I ran out and slammed the door! What else was I supposed to do?!»
2. Devaluation of feelings
Devaluation is a manipulation tactic common in many types of close relationships. When communicating with teenagers, parents interrupt them, complete sentences for them, behave as if they themselves know what their child thinks or feels, and try to change his attitude to events, facts and experiences in the way they need.
It is difficult to find someone who never manipulates anyone in the manner described above. It’s human nature to trust your own feelings more than someone else’s. Flint reminds us that this devaluation is more of a self-defense mechanism than an attack. And yet, for adolescents whose identities are just being formed, parental devaluation can be devastating.
Such an attack both damages the parent-child relationship by establishing an emotional hierarchy (parent’s feelings are more important than the child’s) and damages the child’s sense of individuality—questioning that their feelings are real and important.
3. Deprivation of love
Attachment research shows that children form a deep emotional bond with their parents. The warmth of physical touch in infancy, bonding with a parent, building a sense of security are all part of a common mechanism. As a result of a combination of many factors, as a rule, the relationship between two people is perceived as love.
However, the manipulative parent may use attachment as a means of psychological control. A recent study confirms that many parents punish a disappointing child with love deprivation, avoiding eye contact and stopping talking until the child corrects his behavior.
As Daniel Flint points out, no parent really thinks, “How can I use the attachment that I formed with my child when he was very young to attack him and force him to do what I want? » Instead, adults first try a lot of other methods of influence.
Even if you were unlucky and raised by a manipulative parent, you are not at all doomed to repeat the same scenario.
For various reasons, they do not work — neither a systematic approach, nor the removal of a smartphone, nor a change in the Wi-Fi password, nor attempts to «ground» … Parents feel inadequate, perhaps they blame themselves for missing the child, and cling to everything that could work. It seems to them that there is only one option left: to deprive the guilty child of his love.
Why do parents manipulate? Flint cites the results of a study that revealed the main prerequisites for such behavior of parents: sensitivity to pain and rejection of negative emotions. Offended people offend others. Emotionally abused children are more likely to become parents who emotionally abuse their own children.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t change your behavior. “Even if you were unlucky and raised by a manipulative parent, you are not at all doomed to repeat the same scenario,” the expert is sure. You can work through your own sad experience on your own or as a therapist — and become a more tolerant, understanding and accepting parent for the child.
About the author: Daniel Flint is a postgraduate psychologist in the Department of Clinical Psychology.