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It looks like these «games» have been played since the dawn of time. Here is what Shakespeare’s Hamlet says to Guildenstern: “You see what a worthless thing you are making of me? On me you are ready to play; it seems to you that you know my modes; you would like to tear out the heart of my secret.” There is a manipulation, a game with consciousness. What do we need to know about this? Psychoanalyst Gerald Schonwolf says.
Some manipulate others because it allows them to feel their power and avoid responsibility. However, manipulation has a downside: we will never be truly intimate with the person we are trying to manipulate. After all, at the heart of these relationships there is neither honesty nor truth.
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Manipulation: seven varieties of «mind games»
1. “I didn’t mean it at all”
This method allows you to hurt a person twice. First, they say something like “You know, you can be so gullible,” and when they see that you are hurt by these words (which the speaker wanted), they finish you off with a phrase like: “Yes, I was joking, what are you. Oh, how gentle we are! You were not only offended at first with the phrase that you are gullible, but also finished off later, saying that you are a weakling.
2. «Oh, I forgot»
Such people always forget the most important things: they do not come to a meeting, they do not repay a debt, they do not remember promises. You wait for them to remember, but they don’t. And then you remind them, to which they respond: “Oh, I forgot, sorry!” But after that, nothing changes. You have to be reminded of the «debt» several times, which naturally becomes annoying. Then they, seeing that you are annoyed, say: “What are you? Angry at me? It looks like you’re angry.» Such people, in turn, will never tell you that they are angry with you. If you ask them about it, you will hear in response: “No, of course, what are you? I would say so.» Thus, they dump their own anger on you, preventing you from dealing with your feelings.
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3. Blind hatred
Sometimes they project their hatred onto others. Usually they are sure that everyone around them deserves it. As soon as you disagree with them, decline their invitation, or look askance, they begin to hate you fiercely. Such people do not think that someone may have feelings or a different opinion, no. They just hate and pour out their anger. Often we are asked to regulate our behavior in this way: «Treat others as you would like to be treated.» The behavior of «hating» could be expressed in the exact opposite aphorism: «Hate everyone because they are not who you would like them to be.»
4. Imposing a sense of guilt
The point is to make the other person feel guilty just because they didn’t do what you wanted them to do. For example, a wife calls her husband a «sexist». At first he objects, but then resigns himself so as not to look like a «sexist» and be the husband that his wife imagines him to be. Or, for example, a husband accuses his wife of frigidity, so that she considers herself guilty that there are no sexual relations in a couple. Instead of simply discussing problems with a partner and trying to look at problems from different points of view, they prefer to avoid reality and try to make others feel guilty for not living up to some expectations.
5. «Gaslight»
The title is taken from the film of the same name starring actress Ingrid Bergman.1. In it, a husband tries to drive his wife crazy by saying that she sees things that aren’t really happening. When she sees the gas lantern going off and on, her husband says he doesn’t see it (even though it actually happens). It’s such a sophisticated way of lying. If you try to prove something, you may be asked a question that will prompt you to think about your own mental health, for example, “I think you have too much imagination, don’t you think?”
6. Play on shame
A person waits for someone to say or do something unacceptable. In this case, anger will be thrown out at 100%. It turns out the idealization is vice versa. For example, some fanatical religious person waits until someone says something about religion, such as «Religion is not always good,» in order to get hooked on it. And then he pounces on the poor fellow like a monster, forcing him to experience a burning sense of shame for something that he did not even mean. Such people simply dump their anger on other people, pretending to be saints.
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7. Detention
Pretense can be very different. For example, a man will pretend to be interested in a girl just to go to bed with her. A woman pretends to be attracted to a man in order to manipulate him, to get what she wants from him. People pretend to be your friends to ingratiate themselves by hiding their true motives. Those who are good at pretending are good actors. Sometimes they even manage to convince themselves of their own sincerity. For example, a person may envy you, but, not wanting to admit it to himself, will be able to convince himself that he is happy for you and wishes you all the best. If you trust such people, then most likely you will fall into their trap, which you will soon regret.
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1 «Gaslight» (dir. George Cukor, 1944).