Is friendship possible between a man and a woman? If the boundaries of communication are set, it is possible. What’s more, such friendships can be much more honest and deep, says psychotherapist and relationship specialist Esther Perel.
At a time when a woman’s place was at the fire, and men — on the hunt, communication between the sexes was reduced to an exclusively romantic relationship. Today we go through life with more friends of different genders than any previous generation. So how do you decide which of these relationships are really friendly?
I asked friends, colleagues, and patients if a man and a woman could just be friends. “Yes, of course,” replied the 33-year-old programmer Henry. “It’s not only possible, it’s something special. But it’s difficult if you find each other physically attractive. If not, then there will be no problem.”
My student from New York, Carl, saw Joanna on the street on the day of the September 11th tragedy. She stared in horror at the burning twin towers. “I went over and hugged her, there and then,” Carl recalls. — I think I did it because at that moment, in that fear and chaos that reigned around, it was the only way to find a connection with life … We became friends with Joanna, but soon I realized that I wanted more. Unfortunately, she didn’t want to.»
Lack of physical attraction in one makes friendship possible and love impossible.
This is one of those embarrassing moments where the lack of physical attraction makes friendship possible and love impossible. But the mysteries of attraction don’t work in tandem. One wants more, the other doesn’t. For Carl and Joanna’s relationship to truly become friendly, Carl had to accept Joanna’s lack of sexual interest—accept it as a gift, not a rejection. It took time and trust. Joanna had to be sure that he wasn’t pretending that everything was really all right and Karl would not take advantage of her weakness when she just wanted warmth, and only he was around. They succeeded.
Now Joanna describes their relationship as deeper, more related. They are together physically, but it is comfortable and safe. “We hug each other like family members,” she says, “not with passion, but with care.” Carl agrees: «I love her like a sister — it’s a unique friendship that I can’t have with a man.»
I have male friends whom I have known since high school. Lovers have come and gone, but friends are still there. I never had any romantic feelings for them. Over the years, we have played many roles for each other: buddies, career counselors, keepers of secrets, and even provided each other with alibis. We advised each other what to wear, what to say and do in difficult moments, we were there during the funeral of loved ones and when our marriages fell apart. And it’s amazing. “We give ourselves much more in friendship than in love relationships,” says my friend Liana. “I am much kinder, nicer, more sympathetic to my friends than to my husband.”
Is this true for everyone? We can fall in love suddenly, while friendship develops gradually, we show care and tolerance. We leave the best in us, friends, and often treat our partners horribly.
“For a man, friendship with a woman opens up an opportunity to talk about his vulnerability, which is much more difficult to do in a male friendship.”
In friendship between a man and a woman, we must constantly test the boundaries for strength. When one of us has a partner, we ask questions: “Should (should) I tell partners about what is happening between me and a male (female) friend?”, “Do we have the right to meet alone ( without a partner), or should there be more of us now (each with his own pair)?”
The jealousy of partners is the reason why many are sure that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. But I am convinced that the key to solving the problem is trust!
In a study published in the journal Personal and Social Relations1, Linda Sapadin surveyed 156 men and women about their likes/dislikes in heterosexual friendships. Sexual tension topped the list of female dislikes. However, men believe that sexual attraction is the main reason for the beginning of friendship between a man and a woman, and that it can even deepen friendships.
My patient Michelle recently went through a difficult divorce. Her friends supported her and gave her advice like: «Tell him that you will not let him use you … do not feel sorry for him», etc. They over-identified with her, and although they wholeheartedly wanted to help, sometimes their advice turned out to be harmful.
Michel notes the male friend’s ability to listen «from a safe distance». “My friend Joe is not trying to be me. He can be objective,” she says.
Men are also interested in friendship with women for many reasons. But the main thing is the opportunity to talk about your vulnerability, which is much more difficult to do in male friendships. Women allow them to open up and communicate their feelings.
I believe that we are endowed with the ability to weave many types of relationships with men, but for me, friendship between a man and a woman is a unique thread that should be highly appreciated.
1 L. A. Sapadin, Journal of Social And Personal Relationships, 2014.