Male consumers: how not to become a victim of a gigolo

Since childhood, I was brought up in the belief that everything in life must be achieved by yourself. Get on your feet, be able to support yourself and your child and not rely too much on men. And I became like this – a real Amazon.

After graduating from the institute, she began to build a career, sat at work all the days, endured the rudeness of her bosses. Then I fell in love, got married, but very soon it turned out that not a single job was worthy of my husband – he was always in search.

We had a child and I, not counting on the decree, almost immediately went to work to pay the mortgage. The husband did not help with the child. But he said that it would not hurt us to buy a new car.

When I shared with my mother that it would be easier for me to live without a dependent husband, she dissuaded me. The main argument is that the child must have a father. In the end, I realized – this is not the example that I would like to show our son. She got divorced and started dating again.

By that time, I had already taken a good position in the company, bought a second apartment, a car. And I noticed that the men I dated obviously liked it.

One of my fans asked me for a large loan, the second arranged a romantic trip in which I had to pay for restaurants. And at some point I wanted to change everything.

There were two options – not to communicate with men at all or stop showing them your success.

From now on, in a relationship with a man, I consciously can’t do anything. I can’t open the door myself. Earn and buy food and clothes. I make it clear right away that I take no responsibility for anything. After that, all potential consumers immediately disappear.

I came to the conclusion that the representatives of the “stronger sex” do not need to show their worth. On the contrary, it is better to expect active actions from them. This helps to eliminate gigolos from the environment.

It is important to attract strong and courageous people into your life, and the only way to do this is to stimulate a man to take care of you.

As soon as I started dating and showing only my weakness, accomplished people began to appear around me. Gone are the losers who hide behind the fact that a woman should become a partner and pay everything equally, and preferably also cover his account.

I remain an independent woman in my career, and in a relationship it gives me pleasure when a man offers benefits, and I give him my attention. This is a natural exchange that protects a woman from meeting an opportunist.

“The principle of “manipulate manipulators” provides only formal and temporary relief”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

Not always in a pair are equal, partnerships. It happens that one is more active, he has a lot of energy. He is not sorry to do not only his part of the work – he generally does everything better and faster. And it is called hyperfunctional.

His performance is amazing, but next to him, the second one, as a rule, relaxes and becomes hypofunctional. That is, he does little, is lazy, cannot do anything, or even simply goes into the alternative reality of games and alcohol.

This happens because hyperfunctional involuntarily suppresses others and deprives them of motivation to act. But over time, he himself accumulates resentment and the feeling that he is being used.

Our heroine, it seems, was brought up with just such a hyperfunctional person. This obviously helped in the career, but also influenced the choice of a non-supportive partner and led to a failed relationship. And not by chance.

Freeloader partners who tend to take advantage of others are looking for just such a gushing source of free energy and benefits. Now the heroine understood the pattern and drew conclusions. In terms of form, the relationship became more satisfactory. But has the woman changed internally?

If this is a formal change in behavior according to the principle “manipulate male manipulators”, then the relief is most likely temporary. I think the main problem is that she is not ready to trust her partner. And one kind of formal functioning (“I can do everything myself”) is replaced by another (“I can do everything myself, but I deceive you to protect myself from being used”).

It would be useful in working with a specialist to understand the origins of one’s hyperfunctionality in order to replace the imposed rule “I am all by myself” with a more conscious one. The one she chooses. For example, to “I can do everything myself, but I trust my partner, I can ask and accept his help.”

And this will mean that you need to learn anew, first of all, to feel yourself, your needs and conditions, your fatigue and your desires. Take back your care and self-compassion. All that she was taught to turn off. The very sensitivity with which we interact with a partner, if we build relationships not formally, but consciously, with honest emotional exchange and gratitude.