Male and female reactions to children’s tantrums

Singing bird

I raised three children, and I must have been very lucky — I didn’t know at all what children’s tantrums were. My dissatisfaction with one of them, which they read in my face, was the most severe punishment for them. I also communicated since childhood with a lot of kids, I loved to mess with them, then with my nephews. I have a grandson and two granddaughters. In general, I thought that I knew the children well, and I could always agree on everything with them. In children, I first of all respect their personality — always on an equal footing. BUT. A child was born completely different from other children, the youngest granddaughter. And now, for more than five years, she has been literally terrorizing us, all adults. It began almost from the first days of her life. The first word she consciously uttered was «no-ah», which later formed into a clear «no». We don’t have a single day without tantrums, maybe several a day, they give her visible pleasure. Moreover, she rolls them up for the sake of hysteria itself — she begins to demand obviously that it is impossible to fulfill, and she herself knows this very well. She may wake up and demand in the middle of the night to be taken for a walk. No one, of course, will take her for a walk, and she knows this very well, but she will mock everyone for more than an hour. As a result, adults go to work in the morning exhausted, without getting enough sleep. It is very difficult to ignore her tantrums, the only thing is to go somewhere, hide, which is not always feasible. It is also extremely rare to distract, to captivate with something at such a moment.

The child is healthy, sociable, both with children and with adults. In kindergarten, all the teachers, nannies speak very well of her. We always thought it would go away with age. But now she is already 5,5 years old, and everything remains the same for now.

For example, this morning, as soon as she opened her eyes, she tormented me for more than half an hour with heart-rending cries of “I want to go to my mother!”. Mom is at work, she knows it very well, she will come in the evening. Moreover, the granddaughter is well versed in time, has long been able to determine it independently by the clock. Now he sits quietly and reads a book on his own. But for how long?

We are all exhausted, but so far powerless against such behavior. We tolerate. And of course we love her very much, she knows it very well.

Ksenia Rudenko

From your comment, I remember the phrase “She knows it very well” the most. So what if she knows that her mother is at work. It is natural for children to “want for their mother” if the “child-mother” relationship is properly established. There is nothing terrible in this and cannot be. We need to find a way to translate this «want» in the right direction. Invite her to «want to visit her mother together.» The feeling of sharing what the child wants sometimes helps to move into the joint «want» of something else.

Singing bird

Ksenia, when my granddaughter says “I want to go to my mother”, this does not mean at all that she wants to go to her mother at that moment. When there is a mother, she can throw a similar tantrum “I want to go to my grandmother” or urgently demand dad.

The main thing is to ask at this moment what we cannot fulfill. She literally asked for the moon from the sky.

I try to distract or captivate her with something, but this rarely succeeds. My daughter, on the other hand, prefers at such moments, if I am nearby, to shift everything onto me, since it is more difficult to endure such tantrums of her child. And the granddaughter’s father has a talent — to add fire to the oil, from his intervention the hysteria only intensifies. More often it ends with the fact that having screamed enough, the girl herself calms down. The only thing that worries us then is the extent to which her nervous system suffers.

Oleg Zabalenny

The issue is solved very simply — create such conditions that the child’s tantrums bring inconvenience at best, at worst they bring wild displeasure …

Quote: She may wake up and demand in the middle of the night to be taken for a walk.

A comment:

What problems, the granddaughter doesn’t let her sleep anyway … I would just make her get dressed, and go for a walk with her at night, … I would take her to the darkest and most terrible corner and say: “For now, take a walk, and I’m like a normal person who at night should sleep — went to sleep … ”and would start moving … there are two opposite options

• granddaughter was frightened and ran after me and would ask to go home … in this case, she would never want to walk at night … even when she grows up, … by the way, this could save her life someday …
• the granddaughter turned out to be not only hysterical, but also stubborn … this option is more difficult, but we can solve it normally … at first, the child needs to ask such questions to which the child already felt guilty in the answers … I wanted to go for a walk — why are you yelling? … All normal people sleep at night, why will you be them? etc.

Quote: The child is healthy, sociable, both with children and with adults. In kindergarten, all the teachers, nannies speak very well of her.

A comment:

Impunity gives rise to permissiveness… Your granddaughter understands perfectly well that any of her tantrums in kindergarten will be stopped very quickly and not always by educational measures. Therefore, she lived with a thin hysteria in front of a kindergarten teacher … And in front of you, a grandmother with excessive love for her granddaughter, you can do anything and with impunity, because speaking in your own words: “It is very difficult not to pay attention to her tantrums, the only thing is to go where somehow, hide, which is not always feasible. It’s not necessary to hide, but to act for a long time already … Allowing a child to be hysterical — you are doing badly only to him … Who will grow out of such a hysterical child, especially a girl … a future mother … And will such a child later say thank you when he grows up … Nothing just goes away with age …

We draw a small conclusion: an excess of love and inaction to stop tantrums — gives rise to big problems, both for parents, grandparents, and for the children themselves in the near future …

Ksenia Rudenko

Oleg, I strongly disagree with you !!!!

Why take a child outside at night and leave it in the dark?

You don’t know how this will affect the child and what fears he will have later …

You can simply take a child for a walk, take him outside, see what is night, tell him that at night all people sleep, cars do not drive, etc. Explain why day and night exist. I think you don’t have to tell horror stories, just talk like an adult.

And who told you that a grandmother has excessive love for her granddaughter? did you measure it? what is the excess?

Singing bird

In kindergarten, a girl may behave differently, because the environment is different, there are more children, or HER IS MORE UNDERSTAND THERE. There can be a lot of reasons.

At the moment I have a grandson and two granddaughters, so she is not the only one, love is shared equally between three children. The other two children never throw tantrums, although they also often witness their cousin’s tantrums and treat them disapprovingly.

And the granddaughter began to show her character from the cradle. Not being able to crawl (4-5 months), but having learned to roll from side to side, she freely rolled around the apartment and reached any point she had marked. She was not yet a year old, and two adults changed her diapers or panties. One person held, the other changed clothes. And this procedure often took about half an hour. The child did not cry, did not scream, but only violently resisted the actions of adults.

They tried to punish within the allowable limits of punishment for a five-year-old child, but there was no use from such punishments. Only worse. There are no tantrums in the kindergarten, as the child understands that there other children can turn away from him and stop playing with him. I think that’s why. She understands that we, too, can turn away, but not for long. And children can forever stop playing with her, there are many of them, and they will always find someone to play with.

Don’t think that we are idle. We are always trying to do something. But while the frequency of tantrums remains much to be desired.

Sergey Rusich

And a glass of water, despite the fact that cold water hitting the skin of a person, mind you, a person of any age, even a baby, even an old man, causes a sharp calming of the brain due to the physiological reflex reaction of the vessels of the skin of the face and forehead. And it does not hurt, and silences, and abruptly interrupts hysterical antics! It also stimulates thinking and hearing. So you will be heard and thought about, because. during a tantrum, there are only 2 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS: to choke on a scream so that ME HEARD and observe the reaction of others in order to MANIPULATE THEM! And here, both! Bummer! And the adult becomes the master of the situation, and not a lamb drawn to the slaughter!

Bird Singing, now I will answer you not as a psychiatrist. Your thoughts, and therefore your actions in relation to those being educated, dear, expressed here are reduced to a short medical anecdote:

Grandmother brings her granddaughter to the doctor’s appointment and says: Doctor, my baby’s pussy hurts, some kind of baby popped out, don’t you look? The doctor looked at the granddaughter and answered her grandmother: So, Maria Ivanovna, from now on, the “baby” is called a man, the “pipiska” is a member, and the “wavka” is syphilis, from which we will treat!