Making Your Claims: How to Defend Personal Boundaries at Work

As soon as we arrive at the office, we find that someone has taken important papers from our desk or entered our mail … Evening. The child’s birthday, and suddenly they call from work: urgently check the mail – there are documents from partners, prepare an agreement! .. We are working on the project with enthusiasm, when we suddenly find out that it has already been assigned to another … and then he throws papers in our faces …

Familiar? Similar situations happen every day in thousands of companies. What do we feel about it? Depending on the temperament, the reaction is different, but in any case, we lose our mental balance. And the more often we are exposed to such stress, the less strength, energy, motivation we have, the greater the exhaustion, and not only emotional, but also physical.

We are afraid to fight back

What happened in each of these cases? This is nothing but aggression: the boss (or colleague) aggressively violated our personal boundaries, and we did not put up “border posts” in time. At work, aggression is shown the more often, the higher its level in society. (And in our country it is now high, as you can see by turning on the TV.) In addition, in our culture it is not very customary to defend our borders and respect others.

It is especially difficult for us to decide to declare our boundaries at work. After all, the stakes are high here. We are afraid of being seen as uncomfortable workers, hindering our career growth, missing out on a bonus, or even losing our job. And someone else is flattered to feel irreplaceable, necessary. Therefore, we constantly make concessions, turn a blind eye to these painful intrusions … and as a result, we deplete our resources and begin to unwittingly work worse.

But there is another reason for our compliance: often we do not understand what is happening, what is the reason for emotional discomfort, because we do not think about personal boundaries. Each of us needs to understand: they exist! And keeping them is vital.

How to protect your borders

Step one. In order to protect our property, we need to understand what we own, to clearly understand our boundaries, first for ourselves: what is the most important thing for me in a relationship and, conversely, what hurts, annoys me, deprives me of psychological comfort? Where am I ready to be flexible, and where will I not back down? The list should not be long: we select only what is important for us.

Step Two. It is necessary to clearly state to the boss or colleagues what does not suit us and what attitude we will no longer tolerate.

Step three – we consistently adhere to our line and in no case deviate from the declared position.

Iron hand in a velvet glove

It seems to many that expressing their disagreement by turning to raised tones or even shouting means defending their boundaries. In fact, such behavior is the same aggression: by going on the attack, we ourselves violate the boundaries of the interlocutor. For the same reason, it is inappropriate to give him advice: this is also an invasion of his territory.

Another unfortunate tactic is to act as a beggar. If we are afraid, we feel like a victim, it is better not to even start a conversation. Our attempt is doomed. Fear is perfectly read by others, and our boss is no exception.

There is a chance for success if we come to the leader not as an aggressor and not as a victim, but as an employee, that is, a person ready to cooperate. We do not express our claims, but are looking for ways to improve the quality of work. The principle here is this: when we say “yes” to others, we do not say “no” to ourselves.

Conversely, when we say “yes” to ourselves, we do not say “no” to others. We respect ourselves and respect the boss. We are interested in him, and he is in us. Therefore, we speak to him calmly and with dignity, firmly making it clear where is the line beyond which we will not retreat. We are an iron hand in a velvet glove.

We start with a “yes” followed by a “but”: “I really like my job. But I can’t work all evenings and not rest at all,” and finally, we suggest looking for a common solution: “Let’s think about how we can organize the process differently.”

Did he force himself to be respected?

Those who have defended their boundaries are usually said to be able to set themselves up. And this skill does not depend on the position. Of course, it is better to set boundaries as soon as we start a new job. But even after years, the situation can most often be changed. What if we fail? Yes, there are bosses who do not want to listen to anyone.

Well, in some difficult cases it is better to do like Kutuzov: lose Moscow, but save Russia, that is, lose your job, but save your health.

There is the so-called prayer of the Gestalt therapist, which in its meaning fits the collisions described above and helps to see their essence.

“I do my thing and you do your thing. I don’t live in this world to live up to your expectations. And you don’t live in this world to live up to my expectations. You are you. And I am me. And if we happen to meet each other, that’s great. And if not, it can’t be helped.”¹. It is worth listening to these words.

¹ F. Perls “Gestalt Seminars” (Institute for General Humanitarian Studies, 2016).