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Conflicts with colleagues, dictatorship of deadlines, emotional burnout… All these are the consequences of deep existential challenges that we are dealing with, says coach Anne-France Very. She identifies five types of limitations that we suffer from and suggests turning our weaknesses into strengths.
Coaching does not give its clients ready-made recipes for well-being and career growth. Its purpose is to help professionals recognize their own difficulties, and then they themselves can find the best ways to achieve success. Psychotherapist and coach Anne-France Wéry has a long and successful history of working with large companies, helping both front-line employees and managers to achieve success and enjoy their work at the same time. She uses various methods of Gestalt therapy in her work with clients, which are built around our relationship with the world: with ourselves, with others and with the structure (enterprise, organization, company) in which we realize ourselves. Coaching helps us build on our strengths and spend less energy dealing with stress.
1. Loneliness
We experience this feeling in a variety of situations. At work, it can manifest itself as self-isolation, if we are sure that we cannot rely on colleagues and must rely only on ourselves. Those who do not fit into the corporate culture, who have a different communication style and find it difficult to integrate into a new company, may feel lonely. Loneliness affects employees who do not trust their management and are afraid of losing their jobs – a very common situation among workers over 45 who see many of their peers lose their jobs. However, such loneliness is also common among young people who are not given the opportunity to prove themselves in a serious matter.
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The main antidote to loneliness is the realization that we are all social beings, that we are always embedded in some kind of environment, connected with other people. But first, it makes sense to think about the fact that loneliness is a gift, because it reveals our dissimilarity to others, allows us to tame it and say to ourselves: “I am a unique creature, and I allow myself to be like that. It’s what allows me to move forward, make choices, and be loved for who I am. But if I am unique, so are the people around me, and we have a lot to learn from each other.” To accept your loneliness, you must first become interested in other people. Everyone can discover hidden talents in themselves. But everyone knows that he is not omnipotent: awareness of the limits of his capabilities allows you to take a worthy place for all other people.
2. Limb
Everything has a beginning and an end – perhaps one of the most painful experiences in our lives, but you cannot start something new without completing the previous story. This sense of finitude prevents us from accepting any change at work, making it difficult to launch projects, create new teams, and change the composition of old ones. All this can be especially pronounced during a merger of companies, in a situation of dismissal or retirement, among young people who cannot part with student life and grow up. To learn to live with the finiteness of all our projects, we need to go through the stage of acceptance: when I change my boss, colleagues, or go to a new job, it is pointless to strive to repeat the experience I already have. The past is over, it was a stage that will remain an important part of me, but it had its beginning, and now it has come to an end. In the same way, I cannot recreate the relationships within my family or group of friends in a work team. Yes, this is not necessary, everyone needs changes. In order for us to have time to adapt to changes, they need to set a rhythm: it is impossible to change everything and everyone at once. We also have to learn to part with what we considered the unique achievements of our unique team. The experience of finitude can be stressful for both the individual and his relationship with colleagues and the company. Coping with this experience means going through the same stages as mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If we succeeded, then we can turn the page.
3. A responsibility
We all bear full responsibility for our lives, but we do not fully realize this, often expecting that our environment will push us to change or that the people around us will begin to change themselves. We rarely ask ourselves the question: what did we ourselves do in order to achieve (or not achieve) something in the profession and career? We shift the blame for any mistake or blunder to others. So, in a conflict situation, many choose the position of a person whom no one understands, and demand that the problem be solved by another. But relationships are always teamwork. They have three sides – two and the feelings that they exchange. What does each of the parties invest in this exchange: a part of their soul, a share of their responsibility? What do we want to prove to others? What do we avoid talking about ourselves?
In order not to experience stress due to fear of responsibility, we need to open ourselves to diversity, to realize all the alternatives that we have. Indeed, in our daily life, we constantly make choices and at the same time do not panic and do not avoid making decisions. To learn to answer is also to accustom yourself to live today. After all, when we are immersed in the past or the future, we break the connection with the present. Dreaming of replaying what has already happened, or inventing a beautiful but unrealistic future for ourselves, we miss the chance to act here and now.
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4. Lack of meaning
Many working people make the same mistake: they wait for the company to take care of giving meaning to their work. This mission is impossible, because meaning can only be found within oneself, and not outside. As in any process of learning, exclaim: “Eureka!” we can only ourselves. Companies and organizations choose their course of development. and your goals. But employees will only be able to take this course if it meets their vision of meaningful work. If I constantly live in a race against the clock in order to turn in a project on time that is incompatible with my lifestyle, I will definitely experience severe discomfort. In any case, such work will be meaningless for me, no matter if it has to be done at the very beginning of a career or at the very end of it.
The task of the coach is to analyze the priorities of all parties involved in the work process. It is to give meaning to all three areas – the attitude towards oneself, towards others and towards the business system as a whole. After all, you can respect the priorities of the company, but feel confused, because these priorities do not correlate with personal values. The job of a coach is also to change the perspective, to transform a macro project into a micro task. If I make the right choice, if I am truly present in it and in my life, then it will work itself out. Therefore, it is necessary to formulate goals, determine priorities and answer the main question: what reason do I have to say that my life has meaning?
5. Imperfection
This experience is more inherent in women who strive to be ideal mothers, wives and successful professionals at the same time. The current young seem to have chosen the phrase “No one is perfect” as their motto, but the older generation wants perfection in everything. Working with perfectionists, the coach analyzes attitudes like “I have to” or “It’s necessary”, our internal standards and prohibitions. And he focuses on the fact that perfection is destructive, because it means the impossibility of development. You can also work with past mistakes and failures: “What imperfections in me make it possible for another person not to compete, but to complete me?”
Working on how we perceive ourselves helps us to see that if we evaluate ourselves only through the prism of other people’s eyes, we easily fall into the trap of wanting to be perfect. Imperfection is easier to survive by accepting your vulnerability. After all, a demonstration of strength often turns out to be a sign of weakness, and the ability to not hide one’s weaknesses turns into strength.
Our vulnerability is necessary for us to build relationships with ourselves, to accept the emotions that we experience. There is a strong (and very limiting) belief in many companies that it is unwise to put emotion into work. People don’t come to work to groan, laugh, or complain. But where can we express our emotions then? If we cannot get rid of them, then they will overwhelm us very soon, and we simply will no longer be able to withstand the tension, to withstand the blow. From our vulnerability, we have to make an ally, deciding to be imperfect, rejoice or be sad. At the same time, there is nothing to do with calls for artificial joy like “Smile, the camera is filming you.” After all, joy is a much deeper feeling, it is not just an infectious smile, but also a share of defenselessness too.
We all experience moments of loneliness, suffer from finiteness and imperfection, want to be responsible and give meaning to our lives. All these experiences at one time or another in life can become a serious stress. But instead of fighting them, we can accept them, turn them into our allies, allow them to manifest in us and thereby enrich our lives – not only at work.