Contents
Today, more and more couples are in no hurry to register their relationship. Yet the phrase “Marry me” continues to captivate women and excite the imagination of men. Why hasn’t this ritual lost its meaning yet?
It seemed that in the free 90s the institution of marriage was shaken. But in 2019, according to Rosstat, almost 917 marriages took place in Russia. The number of new family unions is impressive. Meanwhile, the traditional wedding toastmaster has been replaced by wedding organizers who promise unforgettable turnkey celebrations. Even such an intimate moment as a proposal is planned. Dozens of sites publish marriage proposal scripts.
One of them, for example, recommends a joint parachute jump. At the same time, the man must resolutely say that he will not pull the ring (parachute) until his chosen one answers “yes”. For the query “how to propose to a man”, the search engine also gives out a couple of pages of links. But there is a significant difference. Women are described not so much the surroundings in which an offer should be made, but the actions that they must take in order to encourage the chosen one to pronounce the cherished words. Is marriage proposal still a woman’s dream?
Who dreams of what
“A modern woman is much less concerned about finding a potential husband than magazines and movies would like us to believe,” says psychoanalyst Natalia Kigay. “She is economically independent, her position in society is much more influenced by her education, work, experience, personal qualities than by who she is married to.”
“And yet, in many girls, there is a not always conscious idea that she becomes a real woman only from the moment when a man asks her to belong to him,” argues family therapist Serge Efez. But ambiguity remains: what makes men propose?
Seeing a man literally at her feet, a woman feels her strength especially deeply.
Of course, men have their reasons. A marriage proposal indicates a desire to marry, to conclude it officially. “This is an attempt by a man to take his place as the ancestor and bearer of the law – for starters in his family,” says Jungian analyst Vsevolod Kalinenko. – In traditional cultures, the boy passed the rite of initiation – initiation into adults. Only then could he marry.
The custom of kidnapping the bride, which still exists among some peoples, is also a confirmation of male wealth, strength, and the ability to be a husband. In modern Western society, there is no analogue of initiation. But it seems that initiation is implicitly included in marriage rituals. We take on serious obligations and declare our ability and readiness to fulfill them. This is how we confirm our status as an adult man.” Making an offer is the first step.
prince from childhood
However, the chosen ones who received a marriage proposal are, at heart, disappointed with the way it was done. Probably, the fact is that our memory keeps a picture from a favorite children’s book: a beautiful princess and a prince on a white horse – and this children’s memory does not agree to anything less. In order for the beloved to be in a fairy tale, to be a princess, unusual scenarios are needed: an offer made in a balloon, a ring in a glass of champagne, a rain of roses …
“We were poor students,” says 28-year-old Anna. One day my friend invited me to a pizzeria. And on the way, he suddenly comes into an expensive restaurant. I was in a hurry. And my prince says: “Let’s go and see how it is …” We went in … and it started spinning. He booked an office, they brought us champagne, fajitas. He is on one knee… a box… a ring… I was terribly frightened… Yes! Well of course yes! How nice to remember the day of our engagement! I will tell this story to my daughters when they grow up. Unexpectedly beautiful … and right!
Seeing a man literally at her feet, a woman feels her strength especially deeply. This once again convinces her of her own value and significance. But it is also pleasant for men to feel like knights worthy of the love of a beautiful lady. The game forms of the proposal fulfill the ancient dream of reincarnation as a handsome prince, a savior devoted to his beauty. They unfold a story that was sung by the troubadours of the Middle Ages.
Castle from the castle
Today the dream of a wedding with a prince is like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty – may seem naive, and even suggest the immaturity of the dreamer. “Mass media create a glamorous myth about what a successful life looks like,” says Natalia Kigai. – The old cultural norm operated with the concepts of valor and nobility, strength, knowledge, power. Now people talk about success in life in terms of wealth, social success, relevance, fashion. Those who have not developed their own guidelines strive to comply with the general ideas of “as it should be”, guided by the desire to be “no worse than others”.
Fairy tales were also composed in those days when marriages were concluded mainly in accordance with custom and arguments of reason and connected rather two family estates than two souls. But some still chose love! When the prince takes the beauty away on the notorious horse, he asks neither his parents nor the bride’s parents for anything. And the beauty listens only to the voice of her heart.
They say marriages are made in heaven: this means that the relationship in a couple has a new dimension
Vsevolod Kalinenko reveals the deep meaning of the rituals: “They are aimed at bringing the relationship of two to the ideal level. They say that marriages are made in heaven: this means that the relationship in a couple has a certain new dimension, they become something more than just a relationship at the “person-to-person” level.
All those ribbons, a doll on a bumper or a padlock hanging on a bridge may seem ridiculous. But with their help, men and women are trying to create this new dimension, to testify: how this castle is held together, so are our relationships. However, all this works only if it is lived at a deep level, accompanied by the work of the soul. If this is an imitation, a game in which there is nothing but form, there will be no benefit.
“We need to understand exactly how we feel in order to act consciously”
Andrey Konchalovsky – theater and film director, screenwriter
“The very understanding of the word “love”, in my opinion, is very dependent on the worldview of a person. There is a dialectical worldview, characteristic of a European. And there is a Confucian worldview, where there is no such thing as “love” at all. For example, the Indians, for all their amazing sexual mythology, are sexually very reserved people. Love is so different! As is beauty. For one, “beautiful” is long legs, and for another, a wide face with a small nose … And for a third, it’s a three-ruble note placed in someone’s outstretched hand. He put it down, and no one noticed it – and this is also a beauty! We cannot simply follow our feelings – we need to understand what exactly we feel in order to act consciously, to make our own, conscious choice. And make certain commitments. From now on, we can talk about inner freedom.”
“Only you”
The marriage proposal has several significant differences from the subsequent wedding ceremony. First, this moment is just for two. Even if the offer is made among a crowd of people – from the stage of the theater or with the help of a billboard in the city center.
Secondly, this amazing moment is usually captured only by memory. It is difficult to find a person who would have a photo in a family album: “Look, granddaughters, here I am proposing to your grandmother …”
And thirdly, the proposal is a moment of determination and at the same time fear even for those who are sure of a positive answer. Her heart skips a beat: after all, she can refuse at the last minute! But if the answer is yes, then this is an experience of mutual joy, trust in the future and such openness and readiness for happiness … which, perhaps, is happiness itself of the purest test.
What does a woman want
Olga, 34: “I got what I wanted”
“Valera and I knew each other for six months. To be honest, I didn’t expect him to propose to me. I guessed it was possible, but it was still a surprise. Valera came to the office where I worked. With such a huge bouquet of roses that he barely squeezed through the door. All eyes, of course, immediately turned to him. And he came up to me, got down on one knee, handed me the ring and asked a sacramental question. How happy I was! We kissed, hugged … It seemed to me that I answered. But when, after about twenty minutes, the two of us were going down the subway, he asked: “So did you agree or not?” But I was completely sure that I said “yes”. Turns out I forgot to say it out loud!
Of course, there, in the subway, I confirmed: “Yes, yes, of course!” At that moment, my whole life changed for me. There was awareness. Life goals have been clarified. I realized that this is exactly what I needed. I realized that this is mine. And I felt happy – maybe for the first time in my life. After all, it is not the fact of the proposal that is important, but what is behind it. I wanted to be with Valera. If he had proposed in some other way, I would not have been upset.”
Valery, 27: “I saw a different future”
“I woke up in the morning and realized: that’s it, I don’t want to put it off anymore. I want to do it today, not tomorrow. I began to think about how to present it beautifully … what to say … I knew that she liked white roses, so I decided to give a bouquet. Huge bouquet. I was rather confident in the answer. But not one hundred percent. So when I heard “yes”, I was happy. I remember that moment – joy, laughter, hugs, kisses … What did it mean to me? I found my one and only, with whom I am going to live my whole life and build a house called “happiness.” At that moment, I already felt that my life was changing. I saw a different future – first of all, of course, children. Now we already have a child, and we are planning more. ”
Larisa, 35 years old: “I made an offer myself”
My case is, of course, special. Now, looking back, I both admire my impudence and am horrified. Imagine: the mid-90s. I am the daughter of a famous person whose last name is known to everyone. Recently she entered the philological faculty of Moscow State University, and herself. My father bought me an apartment. I dated several guys. At first I liked it. But the relationship developed. And I felt that several different women seemed to live in me. I was literally torn from the inside. I realized that it was time to make a choice.
I was one hundred percent sure that none of the boyfriends would refuse the offer to become my spouse. And so I chose, as my father said, “the most promising.” But really, I just liked him the most. Maxim had an athletic figure, about two meters tall, strong, smart … Once I come on a date, and we have such a conversation: “Have girls ever proposed to you?” “No,” he replies, and I can see that he is very intrigued. “And how do you feel about it?” – “It depends on the situation … It depends on who does it … and how …” – “And if I’m making an offer to you now?” “Then it’s positive,” he says. “So you agree?” – “Certainly!” When many years later we recalled this, Maxim said that my words for him were a gift of fate.