Make a choice: why is it so difficult

Natural or fruity? Bio or regular? Is the package big or small? In glassware or plastic cups? It is impossible to count the number of questions our brains must answer before reaching for four small raspberry yoghurts in colorful packaging. And no study has yet established how many times we have to do this exercise before we fill the cart!

But once you think about it, it becomes clear why sometimes going to the store is so tiring for us. And why are there days when we don’t have the strength to decide what blouse to wear to work, or to figure out what exactly we want for breakfast…

We are forced to make a variety of decisions every minute. Our choice starts with a simple purchase of yogurt, but extends to such important things as a life partner, profession, conceiving a child, political opinions, a mortgage loan for the purchase of an apartment for a period of 15-20 years …

We make many other decisions that are not as significant, but cause vague anxiety: whether to get a flu shot, whether to transfer a child to another school, whether to change doctors, whether to break unwritten rules.

It’s hard to choose. Let’s try to figure out what a choice is and how we make it. And also take a few steps to learn how to make informed decisions.

We are afraid to lose everything

It often happens that where one person sees a choice, another does not notice it. For example, for some of us, the words of the boss are something that is not discussed, that does not allow one’s choice, a different position. Others consider the commandments, humanity, common sense to be the criterion of truth – and then options are possible. “But there was one who didn’t shoot,” Vysotsky sang. So there is a choice even where we do not see it – we cannot or do not want to.

“The choice lies in what we are actually doing,” writes psychotherapist Elena Kalitievskaya. “It all seems that we are still choosing, that we are still on the threshold, but in fact we have already chosen and live …”

When a decision is made, the uncertainty goes away – out of several options, one remains. Sometimes it can be replayed without any consequences, more often it cannot. In this case, we take the choice more seriously and choose more precisely, in contrast to the situation when the decision is reversible. But in both cases, we lose something. It is this inevitable moment of loss that causes our anguish. Because of it, we often perceive the need to decide as a burden, trying with all our might to avoid the choice, or at least delay it.

Who really chooses?

The question is not idle. Often it is not the one who will deal with the consequences that commits it: well-meaning parents do it for the child, a caring husband for his wife, a leader for the people. When it has already been decided for us, we often perceive it with gratitude. And yet, the worst service that can be rendered to a neighbor is to relieve him of responsibility for life choices.

Of course, it will be easier for him to live, only he will not invest himself in the implementation of decisions not made by him. And as a result, life will pass by, will not become his own for him. This happens quite often: for some of us, the suffering of the heroes of television series is brighter and more authentic than everything that happens to us ourselves. But in order to use the chance given to us and live our own, and not someone else’s life, we must make decisions and make and correct mistakes ourselves.

What are the elections

Existential choice is a situation where alternatives and criteria are not predetermined. We must move forward, not knowing what other opportunities will meet along the way and how to compare them. This is how we choose a profession or life partner.

There are situations in which it seems easier to choose. This happens when the alternatives and criteria are obvious and we just have to carefully solve the problem that has the correct answer. For example, choose one of the routes around the city, taking into account the situation with traffic jams.

The other case is more complicated: the alternatives are known, but they can be compared on various grounds. Which one is important for us? An example is any shopping. Say, when buying clothes, beauty, price, color, practicality, originality, etc. are important – but what is still more important? There is no clear answer…

And how to choose right?

This is perhaps the main question. Answer: There is no right choice.

“Our life is completed only once,” states the writer Milan Kundera, “and therefore we will never be able to determine which of our decisions was right and which was false. In this situation, we can decide only once, and we are not given any second, third, fourth life in order to be able to compare different solutions.

We can only say whether the decision was good or bad in terms of satisfaction with it, but we cannot determine whether it was better or worse, because even a decision that is good in its consequences may not be the best at all, and a bad decision can be the lesser of evils. .

It’s not uncommon to have a choice between bad and very bad. Yegor Gaidar’s economic reforms had many negative consequences, it’s hard to argue with that. But was there a better option at the time? None of his passionate critics names such an option.

Possible error

If it is impossible to make the right choice, does this mean that we do not care what to choose? No, it doesn’t. The choice cannot be right or wrong, but it can be good or bad, and the line between them is drawn in our minds.

No choice can be made absolutely rationally; irrational, uncalculable components also play an important role in it. We have a chance to make a good choice if we recognize that there is no one objectively correct decision, and with any option, you can make a mistake.

In this case, we act at our own peril and risk. We take responsibility, recognize the decision as our own and invest in the implementation of what we have chosen. And in case of failure, we do not regret, but we extract experience and learn from our mistakes.

If we are convinced that there is only one objectively correct solution, and we believe in the possibility of rationally “calculating” it, believing that everything will somehow happen by itself, we are making a bad choice.

So many of us vote for the “right” candidate in an election, and then “lie on the stove” until the next one. If our expectations are not met, we are likely to blame everyone around us except ourselves and feel disappointed, annoyed, resentful.

Making a good choice is difficult because it requires effort, energy and the ability to choose. The prominent XNUMXth-century English philosopher John Locke wrote that people so often make bad choices precisely because, having a good idea of ​​the immediate, especially pleasant consequences, they are much less able to assess the distant, often not so bright, prospects.

And yet, some of us make decisions so quickly that there is an illusion of lightness and spontaneity. Those who have experience in making decisions, including moral ones, who know how to put forward and evaluate arguments “for” and “against”, who seek to see the long-term consequences of their decision, make a more accurate choice even in the most difficult situations.

Perfect choice

To make it, you need to go through and weigh all possible alternatives. But most often this is impossible, since this process requires a lot of time and energy – the psychological costs of the process itself grow faster than the benefits of enumeration of options. American psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper proved this with this example.

When customers were offered a choice of 24 types of jam, the majority, even after trying all the options, left the store with nothing. They just couldn’t choose. When the choice was limited to six jars, jam was bought ten times more often. So the abundance of alternatives and the desire for perfection of choice leads, alas, to negative results.

American social psychologist Barry Schwartz believes that in such situations, part of us (he calls such people maximizers) always strives not to miss a single option and collects comprehensive information before making a decision. The other part (optimizers), having gone through a number of alternatives, draws a line: they choose from what they have seen and evaluated. Who do you think is happier and more successful in life?

Immutability or Uncertainty

Any choice ultimately comes down to a choice between immutability and the unknown, the outstanding psychologist Salvatore Maddi proves in his works. A step into the unknown gives rise to anxiety, but also gives a chance to find meaning. The choice of immutability reduces anxiety, but generates guilt for unrealized opportunities.

In insignificant situations, the new, the unknown is chosen by those who are distinguished by a meaningful attitude to life, resilience, and optimism. It seems that those who find the strength to choose an unknown future have much greater personal resources.

In the case of a key life choice, such as choosing a life partner, Barry Schwartz suggests making it final from the very beginning: that your choice could have been better is a recipe for suffering.”

Learn to choose

It’s necessary! In order to make a decision in which we will not be disappointed, we must clearly define our goal, understand our desires, collect and evaluate the available information. The main thing at the same time is not what exactly we choose, but how we make this choice – consciously or spontaneously. In the first case, there is real inner work behind it, in the second, intuition or simply the desire to “not bathe”.

We have a different attitude to the choice: some are happy when it is, others would prefer to receive a ready-made answer. The ability to meaningfully decide for oneself and for oneself reflects the maturity of a person, his adulthood.

Children do not really know how to choose. Of course, they know perfectly well what they want at the moment, but they cannot even take into account the slightly delayed consequences of their decisions. This skill comes with age, when the willingness to choose is gradually formed.

Choice in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It expands our possibilities, but does everyone need it? An increase in the number of possible options at the same time means an increase in responsibility and requirements for the one who makes the choice. An adult is not happier than a child, just as a queen is not happier than a pawn. It’s just that his happiness is much more in his own hands.