Lyudmila Petranovskaya: “The goal of a parent is to become unnecessary”

From the moment of birth, the child becomes the center of family life. Parents, grandparents take care of the baby, worry about whether he ate well, slept well, try to please him in every possible way. Day after day, the child receives information that he is accepted in the world, he develops confidence — «everything is fine with me, I am here by right.» Children who have formed this feeling carry a charge of confidence, can calmly and constructively respond to criticism, and find ways out of difficult situations.

If the child was deprived of a family or his parents did anything but not him, if he did not have the conviction that he exists in the world by right, even when he has matured, he will perceive any problem as a catastrophe that cannot be survived. It is difficult for such a person to learn from his mistakes, he becomes very vulnerable, anxious, aggressive.

We come into the world absolutely helpless, we cannot take care of ourselves. Our survival, the ability to become an independent and responsible person completely depends on whether we will have “our own adult”, someone who is ready to take care, protect, sacrifice his interests for us. He doesn’t have to be super successful, smart, or strong. He should only consider the child his own, take care of him, protect him.

Ideally, each of us should have “our own adult”, next to whom it is calm and safe, who is with the child in relation to affection — in relation to protection and care. It becomes for children a bridge to life, passing through which they will develop and gradually become independent.

Having learned to walk, the child begins to actively explore the world: he constantly touches something, studies, climbs somewhere. And, of course, when he learns everything so actively, he very often experiences frustration — a negative experience associated with failure, the inability to get what he wants.

He climbed onto the sofa — fell, played with the door — pinched his fingers, reached for a cup — the cup broke, wanted to eat candy — my mother did not allow … And so every day! For an adult, the amount of frustration experienced by a child seems prohibitive. But the child is doing well. And first of all, this is possible due to the fact that in any difficult life situation, in order to overcome frustration, he turns to “his adult”. If he is a little upset, it is enough for him to stand next to his mother, if the frustration is strong, then he needs to be picked up, hugged, comforted.

We are social beings, we receive support and protection in relationships with loved ones. When we are faced with something that causes too strong, unbearable negative emotions that we cannot cope with, it is important for us to get support.

It is necessary for some person to provide himself as a container, a psychological womb, to create a safe cocoon between us and the world, so that in this cocoon we can safely experience any strong feelings. Thanks to this mechanism — containerization (from the English word container — «receptacle») — a person gets out of a state of stressful mobilization. A universal way of containing is hugs.

For an adult, a conversation, attention may be enough. It is important for him to receive a signal: “I am not alone, they will take care of me, I can not worry about my safety.” For a child, this is especially important, since it is impossible to experience frustration and at the same time take care of safety. And the feeling of insecurity prevents him from developing.

In general, a child has two main states: “I want to see my mother” and “Mom is nearby, how interesting everything is around.” When a child is close to his parents, for example on a walk in the park, he is busy exploring the world. But if suddenly the parents are not around, he stops the study until the parents are found and contact with them is restored.

The same applies to all childhood in general. As soon as the child is “saturated” with relationships with his adult, he sets off for an independent life. The goal of the parent is to become unnecessary to the child. So that the child learns to cope with difficulties without an adult and, over time, he can build relationships with his children.

When a person experiences stress, all the resources of the body are mobilized. To increase the chances of success, all systems begin to operate at high speeds. But a long stay in this state is impossible, therefore, after each mobilization, in order for the stress hormones to leave the blood, demobilization and relaxation are necessary.

If success is achieved, demobilization occurs at the expense of joyful experiences that cause relaxation. If it was not possible to get what was planned, the child experiences frustration, and in this case, demobilization is possible only through containment: aggression is transformed into sadness through crying. We fall into the arms of a loved one, through tears and sadness we accept the situation. The body relaxes, there is a feeling of fatigue, calmness.

Without containment, the child is deprived of the opportunity to be demobilized, he gets stuck in a state of stress, becomes tense, distrustful, his level of anxiety and aggressiveness increases. To withstand the constant pressure of negative emotions, he can either go down the path of emotional sensitivity, or not mobilize at all.

By building up a protective “shell” so as not to feel pain and resentment, he also loses positive experiences, but this still does not bring peace, because only containment, only close relationships make it possible to cope with frustration without loss. And the refusal to mobilize makes a person apathetic, weak-willed, irresponsible. A child who has chosen this path does not even try to reach the goal; the slightest difficulty on the path plunges him into despair.

If the child receives the support of an adult, he can experience severe stress without collapsing, without acquiring pathological character traits, accumulates positive experience of experiencing failures and learns to learn from his own mistakes.