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Low self-esteem is like a weak immune system: it makes us vulnerable to daily small setbacks. It only takes one sideways glance, a stupid joke from a friend, or a mistake in a presentation to make you feel like the worst of the worst. What can be done to change?
Low self-esteem makes us more vulnerable to the smallest psychological stab, so that even small failures and disappointments can break through walls, break through psychological strongholds and penetrate deep into the soul.
If self-esteem is low, then little things like criticizing your boss or canceling a meeting with a friend worsen your mood much more than they should. We begin to blame ourselves for what happened, taking events too close to our hearts and bouncing back too slowly after that.
Indeed, low self-esteem turns the usual psychological shelling that each of us periodically undergoes into a real siege. But overly high self-esteem entails its own difficulties.
So, narcissists have tremendous self-esteem and exceptionally high self-esteem, but they are easily offended and lose their temper when they are criticized, even if the criticism is minor: for such people there are no small insults.
Two-thirds of us are average in every single area
Since they react so sharply even to small remarks, it is no wonder that they are characterized by vindictiveness: they want to teach those who hurt their inflated ego by all means.
Inflated self-esteem makes us blame others for our own mistakes, ignore the negative feedback of others, and also makes it difficult to take responsibility for what we have done. And if so, then we run the risk of making the same mistakes again and again, which will inevitably lead to problems at work and in our personal lives.
When compared to other people, all of us, regardless of whether we have high or low self-esteem, consider ourselves above average. But statistically, two-thirds of us are average in every single area: only one in six performs above average and one in six below average.
And although we would never want to be average, psychologists have collected a lot of evidence that it is the average level of self-esteem (not too high and not too low) that is the most optimal.
Why We Don’t Like Compliments
People with low self-esteem are often more willing to listen to negative feedback than compliments because it is more in line with their view of themselves. Low self-esteem endows with a striking resistance to positive experiences and information. But it is precisely this kind of feedback that can restore self-esteem and self-confidence.
But although we need this information more than anything in the world, low self-esteem does not allow us to accept it, but, on the contrary, makes us close our ears and even flee. Why is this happening? With chronically low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness become part of the personality. We get used to it and feel quite comfortable with it.
Psychologists have long known that information that fits within our existing worldview is perceived as convincing, and information that is significantly at odds with beliefs is usually rejected.
If we consider ourselves unattractive, it is much easier for us to accept the compliment “You look good today” than “Your beauty is breathtaking.”
When people with low self-esteem listen to positive statements (or say affirmations) in training that are very different from their existing beliefs, the information contained in them is perceived as false and completely rejected. Thus, faith in the truth of the opposite only grows stronger.
Bo and his friends
Friends forgot to invite him to parties, criticized him ruthlessly, and at the same time had the audacity to borrow large sums of money and not return. Bo desperately sought to find a woman who would become his wife, but here, too, friends hindered him more than helped. He tried to talk to girls at parties, but his buddies ruined everything with their jokes about his worthlessness.
When Bo came to the session, he said that he was heavily addicted to all kinds of personal growth training. It got to the point where he even purchased a special device that corrected his “brain waves” in his sleep (but the only thing that was corrected was his bank account).
He listened to a huge number of messages aimed at the subconscious, such as “I deserve only the best, and nothing is impossible for me.” But when women recklessly complimented him, considering him sweet, kind and caring, he immediately retreated into himself.
“She doesn’t know me at all! he was indignant. “She doesn’t even know what problems I have!” Then Bo unconsciously made every effort to demonstrate what he “really” was, after which the women naturally left.
Why did he let his friends treat him like that? People with low self-esteem are rarely confrontational and have great difficulty deciding to end destructive relationships, which naturally do them more harm than good. The position, which is expressed by the words “not to fat, to be alive” or “take what they give,” does not allow you to take any active actions.
We are convinced that setting boundaries, making demands, or stating our expectations – even if they are quite reasonable and not at all exaggerated – will entail immediate rejection. Of course, others quickly notice that we rarely take the initiative, do not like to object and protest, which in their eyes makes us less valuable. Over time, they stop thinking about our feelings and needs altogether.
Bo’s problem was that some of his friends might actually leave him if he demanded respect for his personality. Some, but not all. I tried to explain to him that speaking frankly would be the litmus test that would test the quality of his friendships. Those who care about him will agree with Bo’s objections and begin to treat him with more attention and care. Those who are not ready to understand him do not deserve the title of friends.
I highly doubt that all of Bo’s friends were selfish and manipulative, although of course they hardly deserved the Nobel Peace Prize. Most of us put in only as much effort as the situation calls for. If a small portion of care and attention is enough and we are allowed to take without giving almost anything in return, then we will do so.
It’s not that we’re bad. It’s just that we’re not used to doing more than we need to. If more was required of us, we would do better. This is true for almost all relationships.
How to treat psychological wounds from low self-esteem?
1. Identify your strengths and set yourself up to stand up for your value
The usefulness of positive affirmations about what we desire is questionable. Our hero Bo became so addicted to this approach that it was difficult for him to leave it. But he agreed to include active actions in his “mantras”. For example: “When I lend money to someone, I say that they need to be returned on time” and “If a friend upsets me, I have the right to express dissatisfaction.”
The most effective attitudes for us will be those that emphasize the very real and most valuable qualities of a person: for example, reliability, loyalty and tact. And not desirable qualities that we do not possess, but stubbornly name in positive attitudes.
Reminding yourself of your own worth, which no real or imagined flaws can erase, immediately increases self-esteem and resilience to failure. Therefore, it is worth taking the time to remember and write down your strengths.
Gladys and her husband
Gladys, a 40-year-old breast cancer survivor, also had a very low opinion of herself. However, unlike Bo, she did not suffer from low self-esteem all her life, but only the last few years. The fault was the hardest emotional blows inflicted on her after the terrible diagnosis was made.
While she was undergoing chemotherapy, her husband left her without any warning. In a display of blatant cruelty, he served her divorce papers through an intermediary who met her at the hospital exit on the day she was discharged from her double mastectomy.
When I met Gladys, she didn’t look like a heroine who beat a terminal illness, an athlete who won countless medals and trophies as a student, or a web designer who created a successful business after a divorce. Shyness, self-doubt and shyness – that’s what caught my eye in the first place.
She said: “Now I am suffering hardships because I am not being paid as much as I deserve. They demand from me that I do things for free that were not originally discussed. Unfortunately, I usually succumb to the persuasion of persistent people. They put pressure on me and I eventually give in.”
2. Silence the critical voices in your head
We have all experienced failure, shame, humiliation, rejection and berated ourselves for it. Choose one such event and describe in detail what happened and how you felt. Like any person with low self-esteem, you will probably exaggerate at the same time.
Now imagine that all this happened not to you, but to a loved one. It pains you to watch him suffer, so you decide to write him a letter to make him feel better. Try to express in him all your kindness, understanding and care, write that you share his feelings, and do not forget to mention that he deserves empathy and support.
Once again describe the same event, but now only the facts, as objectively as possible. For example, tell how you made a few mistakes during the presentation, but do not write that colleagues lost respect for you because of this. No matter how they react, we must remember that low self-esteem causes us to interpret the facial expressions and gestures of other people too negatively.
3. Take action
The vast majority of articles, books and trainings that promise to save us from feelings of helplessness and self-doubt overlook one thing: self-confidence is not a feeling, but a quality. And it is possible to form it not by visualization or affirmations, but only by action.
It is necessary to start with the problem, the solution of which does not seem to us the most difficult. If we do fail, the consequences need not be dire. We must first collect as much information as possible about how to achieve the goal and develop a plan that we will stick to.
Put all the moments when low self-esteem does not allow you to stand up for yourself, in order. Assess the chances of success and the severity of the consequences in case of failure.
For example, Bo decided to remind his friend Timothy about the borrowed $2000. Timothy promised to return them within three months, but a year has passed since then. Beau called him his “least friend,” so it made sense to risk the relationship and ask for a refund.
And Gladys decided to discuss a couple of “website improvements” that the client asked her to do “in the load” without charging a fee. These improvements seemed to her not significant enough for the client to refuse her services if she asked for payment. So they took the risk. And what?
Patience and persistence
It should be remembered that gaining self-confidence is a process, not a one-time action. You need to be prepared for the fact that not all efforts will bring quick results and that perseverance is necessary.
Beau’s original plan failed because his friend rescheduled the conversation for the evening, and then canceled it altogether, citing fatigue. When Gladys called her clients about extra work, they didn’t even want to listen to her.
Each failure will teach you how to develop a more effective plan of action. Beau drew up a convenient payment schedule and mailed it to Timothy, enclosing blank envelopes with his return address. He tried to state only the facts and did not accuse his friend of anything. In response, Timothy apologized and sent a check for the first part of the amount. Gladys continued to email clients until they agreed to pay her for additional work.
Having dealt with the first item on the list, you should use a surge of strength to solve the next problem. You need to act while the memories of success are still fresh! Of course, it will take time before our emotional immunity builds up, and then we begin to operate more effectively. However, with each small triumph, we become stronger and stronger.
Source: Guy Winch “Psychological First Aid”