Loving your child — what does it mean?

Psychologies: Loving your child — what does it mean?

Julia Gippenreiter: It means satisfying one of his most basic needs. Every person, regardless of age, needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected, so that he feels needed. A child without love simply cannot develop normally. And how he will perceive himself throughout his life — his self-esteem — largely depends on how satisfied his need for love is.

What gives him parental love, why is it important?

A small child still does not know anything about himself, he sees himself as his relatives see him. With every appeal to the child — a word, intonation, gesture, even silence — we tell him something about him. From the repeated signs of approval, love and acceptance, the child gets the feeling “I am good”, and from the signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism — the feeling “something is wrong with me”, “I am bad”. The child perceives punishment as a message “You are bad!” Criticism – “You can’t!” Inattention – “I don’t care about you” or even “I don’t love you”.

Therefore, taking care of the safety of the child, his upbringing, academic success, we must be aware of the message we are sending him now. The younger the child, the stronger the influence of the information that he receives from us. Fortunately, with young children, parents are usually more affectionate and attentive. But as the child grows older, we strive more and more to “educate” him and often do not think about how much he needs our warmth, acceptance and approval. We just don’t focus on how we address children. And they always understand us literally, and the tone in which the words are spoken is more important for them than the meaning. If the tone is sharp, angry, even just strict, the child concludes: «They don’t like me», «They don’t need me.»

Are children so insecure about our attitude towards them?

Yes, not sure. They count any manifestations of our love, they have their own, emotional accounting. They compare all the time: “My brother gave a flower — my mother was delighted, I gave it — I was less delighted”, “Mom loves dad more than me”, “The guests spilled tea, mom said nothing, but I spilled — they scolded me” …

They really lack external «signals» of love. But a positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of a person’s psychological survival. Therefore, the child is constantly looking for our love, fighting for it, looking for confirmation that he is good.

So how do parents express their love?

Say more warm words: “I feel good with you”, “I’m glad to see you”, “It’s good that you came”, “I like how you …”, “I missed you”, “It’s good that you have we have.» Do not forget to hug the child, caress, touch him. American family therapist Virginia Satir recommended hugging a child several times a day, saying that every person needs four hugs just for survival, and at least eight hugs a day are needed to feel good.

Children have a need to “recharge” with our love: for example, a very small child, who has just learned to walk, returns to his mother, clings to her knees — and goes on to play, explore the world. And he is not afraid, because he is sure: his mother is here, not far away, she loves him and can protect him. With age, the forms of “recharging” change: this is a family tea party, and reading before bedtime, and just talking, joint gatherings … These family rituals are necessary for a child to feel: we are together.

But what about education? Hug, praise — and do not scold for bad deeds, do not punish if he has done something?

Unfortunately, many parents are sure that the main (if not the only) educational means are rewards and punishments, carrots and whips. But upbringing is not training, and parents do not exist in order to develop conditioned reflexes in children. First of all, you need to build a human relationship with the child. Before we educate him, criticize or punish him for actions that we do not like, we need to learn how to unconditionally accept the child.

Mom says to her daughter: «If you are a good girl, I will love you.» But love is not a commodity or money. For psychological well-being, a child needs confidence that our love is not evaluative and does not depend on any conditions. We love him not «because he is…» and not «only if he is…», but simply because he is. Only against the background of unconditional acceptance is everything else possible: to educate, negotiate, establish discipline, and even punish, if necessary.

Can parental love be too much?

The question is what do we mean by the word «love». Janusz Korczak wrote: «It depends on the mother whether she will give the child a breast or an udder.» What does it mean to «give an udder»? This is just too much love, but one that is not beneficial. After all, by raising a child, we help him become a man, that is, we teach him to be guided not only by instincts and the desire to have fun. We cannot help but place restrictions on him that are necessary for his own good.

But some parents find it difficult to do this — they are afraid to upset the child and are ready to satisfy any of his desires so that he feels good. However, in fact, they do not help him become a man, they “give udders”: fill him up with tenderness that is pleasing to himself, stuff food into him, protect him from cold, heat, heat, microbes, bad influences, fit into his life with obsessive care and anxiety. When a child is not seen as a personality with its independent needs that deserve attention and respect, but only their blind devotion to him, his animal feeling, is not at all the love that he needs. True love for a child — responsible, respectful and friendly — does not happen much.

You talk about love for a child as a separate concept. How does this feeling differ from its other types, for example, from love between adults?

Yes, love for a child is a very special kind of feeling. We cannot love him as we love a man or a woman, if only because we will never fully possess a child. In addition, we love him, knowing that sooner or later he will leave us to create his own family (and the very idea that our beloved husband or wife will leave us is unacceptable for us).

We invest in the child all the forces and means … to let him go to an independent life. Although there are many different sides to “adult” love: in addition to, for example, sexual, there is also a purely human one. Only in this sense, the relationship between a man and a woman and the relationship between a parent and a child do not fundamentally differ: this is the same interaction of two people.

What is important in the human aspect of the relationship between an adult and a child?

This is understanding, respect for the individual, trust. Some parents are afraid to open up, to talk about how they feel. They avoid trusting relationships for fear of losing their authority. But when we openly and sincerely express our feelings, children see that we are also living people — and, in turn, begin to trust us.

In my book, I give an example, a letter from one mother, who, seeing that her son yearns for his father, said: “I see that it is difficult for you without a dad, and it is also difficult for me. If you had a dad, and I had a husband, it would be much more interesting for us to live. Mom entrusted the boy with her experience, both felt better, they became closer. Did you get close as a man and a woman? Of course not. How are mother and child? Also no. Like who then? Just like two people. In fact, first of all, you need to be friends with the child. Yes, he is younger than us, he knows less, he has less experience, we are responsible for him. But he is our friend.

Try closing your eyes and imagine that you are meeting your best friend or girlfriend. How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you? Now imagine that this is your child: here he comes home from school, and you show that you are glad to see him. Represented? Then try to do it for real. Do not be afraid that «spoil» it in these minutes. It’s just not possible.