Loving (all) your body

36-year-old Natalya considers her stomach “terrible” – and this is the mildest word she finds. Her husband no longer tells her that he considers her forms feminine: she not only does not believe, but also cannot stand the slightest hint of this topic. “If I were at least pregnant, such a belly could still be justified. He ruins everything for me! Any dress, skirt or trousers sit monstrously on me.

And 33-year-old Arina hates her own lips. “They are too thin and that always makes me look angry. When I saw Monica Bellucci with her sensual lips on the cover of Psychologies, I wanted to tear the page: why is everything so unfair!

It is useless to try to convince Natalya or Arina. The belief that nature has offended them is deeply rooted in them, and arguments proving the opposite are unlikely to be heard. Meticulous examination of one’s body in order to find a defect has always been a common form of female masochism. But today this phenomenon is becoming more common, including in men.

What lies behind the fear

“About 90% of women and 70% of men are dissatisfied with their bodies,” says psychotherapist Jean Tignol, author of works on the phenomenon of dysmorphophobia, that is, a person’s negative fixation on his imaginary physical defect. “Today’s cult of success and the general worship of external data distorts the way we look at ourselves,” he comments. — The slightest defect, the smallest seeming shortcoming, we often tend to exaggerate to the limit. It seems to us that it is precisely because of these external details that we fail to be happy and enjoy life.

Indeed, the modern standard of body beauty practically excludes the right to physical imperfection. Ideally, everyone should be thin and fit, although in fact, such a physique is naturally characteristic of a few. “Unconsciously obeying the dictates of modern visual culture, which comes from the ubiquitous media, we often think about how our body looks, rather than about what opportunities it gives us,” says psychologist Olga Lovi, a specialist in personality psychology.

“About three years ago, I thought that my arms were just too full,” recalls 41-year-old Nadezhda, “and today I don’t even wear T-shirts. Every year I like myself less and less, I become intolerant of myself. Maybe, physically, I’m just afraid of being “out of the game.” Fixation on imperfection – as well as on the image of unattainable perfection – often becomes a reaction to vague dissatisfaction, to existential fear, which can be associated with the fear of aging or the fear of being abandoned.

But the disapproval with which we look at ourselves may also speak of long-standing and persistent suffering, rooted in the lack of loving parental relationships. “A child’s self-esteem depends on how he sees himself in the eyes of his parents,” explains psychotherapist Michel Freud. – It is also important how comfortable the parents themselves feel in their own body. If they calmly get along with the reflection in the mirror and their family ties are strong, then their child is likely to appreciate his body and his image. Otherwise, his “I” will be weakened, deprived of protection, and the image of his own body will be created with distortions.

“An unloved part of the body is chosen in order to unconsciously transfer dissatisfaction with life, malaise or suffering to it,” continues Michel Freud.

Suffering signal

Often it is in youth that a gap arises in the mind between the ideal image and the real body. “Excessive fixation on real or imaginary defects in their appearance is characteristic primarily of adolescents,” says Olga Lovi. Puberty is a painful age. The face can become covered with acne, the body grows dramatically, changes, wants the strange, emotions are excessive and unstable. And this is at the very time when it is so important for a teenager to win the respect and sympathy of his peers and significant adults for him, when he is so vulnerable and dependent on other people’s opinions and assessments.

38-year-old Elizabeth spent a lot of time coming to terms with a wide pelvis and curvy hips. “For years I hid behind neutral clothes, and only as a result of introspection did I realize that for my elegant mother, fullness meant shamefully mediocrity. She fixated on my wide hips. This fixation on myself began when I was a teenager and did not end soon. It was very painful! I seemed to despise myself, looking through her eyes.

Getting rid of the consequences that arise from dissatisfaction with the body is always difficult – including because it can be difficult to detect and acknowledge the existence of a problem.

“The barometer is always suffering from a physical handicap,” notes Jean Tignol. – If we feel that this nose, this stomach or these legs are ruining our lives, it is better to seek advice. Behavioral and cognitive therapies give very good results in this area. We work with ideas about our body, we learn how to stop being defensive and start gradually opening up to other people.

40-year-old Alla managed to change her attitude towards the shape of her legs, which she always seemed very thick: “I tried to start treating myself well and made efforts for this for several months. And today I am aware that I lost too much time worrying about pseudo-deficiencies … that others noticed only because I talked about them!

Back to yourself

“To consider the body as something that only “looks” or “should look good” is as ridiculous as hammering nails with a brand new powerful laptop, Olga Lovi is sure. “It is important to learn every day to thank the body for the fact that we have it, and for the fact that it can do a lot.” Amorous adventure, enjoyment of sports can reduce negative fixations. Sometimes it is enough to get some kind of pleasure that will raise self-esteem, or change the attitude towards the body through sensory practices. “The more it is enjoyed, the more loved it is,” insists Michel Freud.

“People with a perfect appearance do not exist,” the artist Nadezhda Yashina is convinced. – If you “disassemble” a beautiful woman or an attractive man “by details”, it turns out that their appearance consists of imperfect proportions. I am sometimes asked to make the nose more elegant in the portrait, the belly is smaller. And I noticed that there is no connection between the shape of the nose and these requests: those who critically evaluate themselves ask for this. When I start sketching, I can notice that a beautiful woman actually has almost no neck, that she has drooping eyebrows or a cartilaginous nose … but this is not noticeable either to her or others, because she likes herself. And it happens that one wrong feature – for example, a duck nose – gives the face additional attractiveness, without which it would become inexpressive and, accordingly, ugly.