«He loves a woman, he loves a child.» I often hear this saying when it comes to the children that a man receives with his beloved woman.
Does love for a woman give a man an automatic opportunity to feel sympathy for her child?
As far as I can see, it doesn’t. Many men do not at all experience enthusiastic feelings towards the children of their woman from previous relationships.
And is it only the «guilt» here of this particular man?
As life shows, men even love their own children not so much for the call of blood, but for specific personality traits. If, for some reason, the father does not like the personality of the child, then often there is no love and strong attachment to the child from the father either. And if in a situation of biological fatherhood, one can ask the father — where is his own contribution to the personality of his child, so that he delights in it? In the case of an adopted child, such questions are no longer relevant.
Here, the man sees this child for the first time and simply observes … He observes — what kind of person is in front of him?
If you follow the belief “he loves a woman, he will love a child”, then it is legitimate to ask the question — does the child have the same character traits as the beloved of this man? Most probably not. The child has his own set of qualities. Then, where does such an everyday fantasy about all-consuming love from a man come from? This worldly fantasy has its roots in the belief that love is for nothing.
See video blog E.V. Goncharova on youtube
My friends, there has been a confusion of terms in this fantasy. This sexual feeling is experienced just like that, simply because it is. And once a suitable object has come into view, it means that the sexual feeling will surge, by itself, regardless of what character traits this sexual object is endowed with. The object only needs to be necessarily endowed with suitable gender attributes. Sometimes the signs are so luxurious or the emotional diet has been so long that the feeling is overwhelming.
They say love has come…
Alas … only sexual attraction descends, which may well transform into love. And it lasts for some time. Sometimes enough to make people want to unite in a family. Which sometimes come with a woman and her children. But, thank God, a man has no sexual feelings towards them.
It needs to be love. But it does not appear in a vacuum. People create love by their own efforts: at the expense of their own qualities and the qualities of the opposite side. The love of your man for your child must also be created.
In this matter, it would be good for a man to help.
How? Sit down and discuss — how does he imagine his relationship with the child? What responsibilities will he take on in relation to the child, which will help him quickly and better establish contact with him? At the same time, talk about whether there is something that causes tension in your man when dealing with a child and, in general, what he would like to instill in a child, what would he like to pay attention to when raising? And decide for yourself — are you, as a mother, ready to invest in this, ready to support your beloved man in his educational preferences?
And also, the mother will need to talk with the child — what responsibilities does he take on so that the person with whom they become one family feels comfortable and cozy? (it is clear that I am talking about a child older than five or six years).
In order for this story to have a happy ending, it is necessary that people who decide to unite in a family, in principle, know how to love. They would be able to see the virtues in another person, would be able to turn to his best sides, would be able to make the person next to them feel smarter, kinder and more beautiful. Would be able to curtail their desires for the sake of the desires of others. We would be able to negotiate.
All these skills must be taught to a little man, and also, all these skills must be found in a man with whom a woman wants to start a family, not to mention the fact that a woman must possess them herself. Otherwise, it is groundless to hope for love that will inadvertently descend into this family. I repeat, inadvertently a sexual feeling emerges. For some short time. And it doesn’t apply to children.
How hard it will be for a mother to hear — her child will not be allowed into her soul just like that and they will make demands, like any other person, they will look and look closely: what is he like? with what character? is he obedient? sociable? benevolent? is he well educated? etc. They will watch and decide: do I want to love this little man? And they may well decide that I don’t want to. Someone due to the fact that in general, there is no ability to love. There is only the ability to experience sexual feeling. And here already, moms, look who you choose as your life partner. And someone (with an average capacity for love) will not fall in love, simply because he will not like a poorly educated little man at all. It is advisable for mothers to remember this and raise their child in such a way that people like him. To understand whether strangers like or dislike your child, you just need to set a goal and get feedback on your child. And the sooner you do it, the better. We have too many illusions about our own children. These illusions greatly hinder the creation of a new relationship, a new marriage.
I can say that I have repeatedly observed when a quite decent man did not dare to make an alliance with a woman who had a poorly brought up child. Simply because it was important for him that his woman would be able to raise his future children.
Hence, the presence of a child in a woman can be both a big plus in a man’s desire to link his fate with this woman, when the child is well brought up and the man understands what their joint children will be like, and a huge minus, when very little time was devoted to raising a child, they were engaged in only care, bringing shine to clothes and hair.
Roll up your sleeves dear mothers. Yes, you have a double burden — not only you, but also your children should fall in love. Love, looking at them, with a sober look. Not ours, maternal, when we love our «baby dolls» any up to fifty years old. But, if we love them, we must understand that we are obliged to make their life easier by raising them to be beautiful people, to whom many and many souls will reach out, because we will teach them to be warm, bright, attentive, hardworking, sympathetic!